copyright © 2002 Lee Moyer
Drive Around.
By Lee Moyer
1/25/02
[Scene: It’s almost midnight. Three earnest young white people in an old American car have pulled up to the drive-through menu/microphone behind a fast food restaurant in a bad part of town. John and Tracy sit in the front seats (they are engaged to be wed). John is driving. Lee (the third wheel) sits behind Tracy.]
John: Hi.
[Beat]
John: Hello.
[Beat]
John: Hello!
[Beat]
John: Hello?
Tracy (impatient): Hello? Is anyone there?
[Beat]
John: Well, looks like we came too late.
Tracy (petulant): Well, phooey. I was really hungry too. Wendy’s was our last choice at this hour. I really don’t want to go to that…
Lee (interrupting): Hold on John. Don’t drive yet. I think they’re still open…
Tracy: But it looks totally closed to me.
Lee: Yeah, but you can’t see anything from here. Let’s test it out.
Tracy: What do mean? We’ve already "tested it out". What can we do…
Lee (interrupting): YO, BLOOD! SPEAK TO ME!
[Beat]
Vox (toughguy voice): YA? WHATCHU WANT?
[John and Tracy stare at each other in disbelief. Lee smiles.]
Lee (whispering fast): what do you guys want?
John (whispering): Just a shake, I’m not hungry.
Tracy (whispering): Um… a baked potato and extra sour cream and a Frostie and fries and…
Lee: YEAH. 2 FROSTIES. BIG. ‘TAT. EXTRA SOUR CREAM. 2 JUMBO FRIES.
Tracy (whispering): A double hamburger and extra ketchup on the side
John (whispering): But what happens when…
Lee (interrupting): DOUBLE BURGER.TACO SALAD. EXTRA FIXIN’S.
[Beat]
Vox: ZAT ALL?
[Lee looks at John and Tracy. They look back blankly and shrug.]
Lee: YEAH!
John(whispering): What happens when we drive around? I mean we’re not…
Vox: DRIVE ROUND.
Lee: I always said it paid to know a second language. Heh heh.
Tracy: John’s right. I mean they’re not going to be happy when they see that we are lily-white college kids. What if there’s more than one?
John: Of course there’s more than one. One guy can’t take and fill the same orders. Wow. They really aren’t going to be happy to see us.
Lee: So what are we gonna do? Wait here all night? Weren’t you hungry Tracy? I mean- I ordered enough food for a horse. Not to imply that you’re a horse or anything…
Tracy: It’s not like we can just pull up and grab the food and roar off into the night or anything. We’ll need to wait while we pay and they make change and all…
John: I calculate that it’ll take at least a minute and a half. And that’s if… if we don’t need change.
Lee: Oh the humanity. What are they gonna do? Trap and eat us? That’d be ironic.
John and Tracy: Shut up!
Lee: I bet the order’s almost ready. Or are we gonna wait here all night? Wait for them to come looking for us? Ooooh! Spooky!
Tracy: Well I guess we really should drive around. Right John?
Vox (wimpy voice): Come on John. What are you waiting for? Tracy’s hungry.
[John, Tracy and Lee all look at each other agape]
[Blackout]
"Drive Around" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Drive Around" debuted January 25, 2002, performed by Lee Moyer, Sarah Merkel, Cleek Schrey, Clinton Johnston.
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