copyright © 2002 Lee Moyer

Unusual Suspects

By Lee Moyer

For No Shame Theatre


[Lights up slow]


Yeah, I knew you guys was bound to find me sooner or later.

It’s not so easy for me to hide out in the shadows these days, y’know what I’m saying. Oh, in the old days, no one paid any attention to guys like me, I’d spend my life down in the dark, away from the spotlight. Just an old salt, minding my own business… like they could give a shit y’know. But now, now things are different.

This whole "War on Terrorism" thing- this big ass media campaign- it’s coming at a bad time. I mean ever since Reagan we been hiding in the background, waiting for our chance. And waiting… well, waiting ain’t so easy.

Finally we see the opportunity and we take it! And our man chokes- he blows it…Years we been waiting and now, before we can make a second try, the jig is up.

Old "W", he’s gonna use that "Racial Profiling" we all keep hearing about. And he’s gonna make sure we don’t come anywhere near the White House again… Not while he’s in there…


Yeah, I’m a pretzel, you got a problem with that?

You seem surprised… I mean what’s the big deal?

You really think we support the Republican Party?

They never really cared for my kind, y’know?

Those rich fucks in the GOP, the so-called "Grand Old Party", they don’t know jack about throwing a party. Too busy with their black-market Russkie Caviar and their oh-so-Frenchie Champagne when they should be enjoying a big old bowl of pretzels and Miller High Life- the Champagne of Beers.

I mean, Cripes, we’re Democrats from way back.

We been in the Union of Salty Comestibles- y’know, with the Peanuts, Popcorn and Chip guys- for the better part of century now. When the Peanut lobby wanted a president who understood their needs, well- all of us in the USC "chipped" in (to coin a phrase) and got their man into the White House.

But that was a long time ago. Some of you look too young to even remember the glory days of Jimmy Carter. Maybe you remember the dark days instead- the days of Ronald Wilson Reagan.

I always knew that guy was up to no good, and sure enough! He gives a press conference early on, and he tells some chick in a red dress that his favorite snack food is…Jellybeans! Can you fuckin’ believe the nerve of that guy? Jellybeans? I mean come on…

But then this is the guy what divorced that foxy Jane Wyman just so he could marry that skinny broad he’d knocked up. The guy who called his autobiography "Where’s the Rest of Me?" The one man with his own "national" airport (he thinks he’s a nation, this guy). Now these rich fucks want to carve his ugly wrinkled mug right up there on Mount Rushmore. This guy was a rich stupid pissant! He was a bad actor who worked with chimps (and I ain’t just talking about Ed Meese neither)! He has no right to hang out with the likes of Teddy Roosevelt. TR knew how to treat a pretzel. You’d never hear him going on about fucking Jellybeans.

[Pauses. Looks embarrassed about his vehemence]

So, where was I?

Oh yeah- that Reagan.

He made Alzheimer’s Disease fashionable, but what he made us… what he made us was pissed off. Big time pissed off.

Jelly Beans! Screw that!

We decided we was gonna have to move on Reagan. But then that dumbass Hinkley took a shot at the Gipper to impress Jodie Foster. Imagine a guy trying to get into Jodie’s pants. What with her batting for the other side and all. Sheesh…

When the smoke cleared, our network wasn’t in place. It took years to make the right connections again, and by then, Clinton was in office…

And he was alright. You should of seen the kind of action he got with the chicks. And he was a real pretzel man too!

He let the good times roll, and we believed that they were gonna roll on forever. Stupid.

Who says one vote don’t make a difference? I know it does and you know it does… unless you live in Florida.

If only we’d thought to whack "W" back in his frat boy days. If he’d choked on a pretzel then there, would have been no chance of reviving him. Drunk draft dodgers don’t know CPR and his family would have thrilled to lose the little bastard.

Or if we’d gotten to him when he was all coked up, then no one would’ve even called for an ambulance. An Ex"W" and no questions asked…But now- now he’s got the whole damn Secret Service to help him swallow. Now it may be too late.

Sure, we can take out the VP at any moment. I mean The Big Dick’s been under a bar or two in his day, y’know what I’m saying?

Hell, with 2 DUIs, he’s likely to save us the trouble. Maybe he’ll wax a soccer mom with a minivan full of kids too. He ain’t real picky.

[Pause to Listen]

Do I regret my actions?

What are you? Kidding me?

I only regret that it wasn’t me.

I mean, If it’d been me, there’d be one less George Bush in the world. And isn’t one more than enough already?

[Listens again]

No. This ain’t a threat. I’m not threatening nobody, cause I ain’t in no position to. You’ve made sure I’m no danger to anyone here behind this cellophane.

All I’m sayin’ is that I’m in the Union of Salty Comestibles, and we look out for our own.

The next time "W" settles down with a bag of M&Ms, he just better be damn sure they’re not PEANUT M&Ms.



"Unusual Suspects" debuted January 18, 2002, performed by Lee Moyer.

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