copyright © 2002 Lee Moyer


By Lee Moyer

January 7-9, 2002

performed 1/11/2002 by Clinton Johnston & Lee Moyer

[Lights Up Slow]

Clinton [behind a stand]: I’ve been thinking a lot about a New Year’s resolution.

I’ve never been very good at them somehow. I try to think of something realistic to change, something… improving- but other than changing my hair style, nothing has ever really worked for me. When I quit eating french fries- now that would have been a fine resolution, but of course it occurred (as so many real resolutions must) on its own time. That one came in August.

Perhaps something in my interactions with other people… Maybe it’s as simple as changing the way I listen and respond to others. Maybe that would do the trick…

Because I notice that as I get older, my responses seem less and less spontaneous, they become rote, rehearsed- like I’m like a human jukebox.

Lee [from offstage]: Mike Kaluta. New York City. 1995. Walking north on Broadway near Zabar’s "long ago I seemed to become a jukebox. The same stories cycling in my mind. An anecdote for every subject"

Clinton: [looks around baffled, pauses, then continues as if nothing happened]: It’s like I’m just going through the motions, walking through the part.

Lee [still offstage]: Goin’ Through the Motions. Written by Ian Hunter of Mott the Hoople. Recorded by Bonnie Tyler. Produced by Jim Steinman. He likes everything Jim Steinman has ever done- Meatloaf, Bonnie Tyler, Tans der Vampyr. Even Celine Dion, Barbra Streisand and Barry Manilow. He is not proud of this.

[Lee comes into view behind the window]

Going Through the Motions. A different song. Written by Joss Whedon and sung by Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy the Vampire Slayer. After his disastrous 2001, He identifies with this character deeply. He is embarrassed about this.


Clinton: [addressing Lee]: Who are you?

Lee: Written by Pete Townsend. Recorded by The Who. Theme song of the top-ranked television show CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. He naively believed that "The Who Sells Out" was simply an album title. He is sickened.

[Lee disappears from window and walks into room with stand]

Clinton: Look, leave me alone. I don’t need footnotes. Give my piece a chance…

Lee: Written and recorded by John Lennon. Produced by…

Clinton: [interrupting]: I’ve got it! I know how to get you to shut up. I just need to shut up. If I don’t say anything you won’t be able to say anything either. Take that Mary, Queen of Scots!

Lee: "The Death of Mary Queen of Scots" Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Episode 22. More famous for the exploding penguin on the television that follows it. He believes that his extensive knowledge of Monty Python episodes is an asset, despite the blank stares he often elicits.


[Lee stops and looks expectantly at Clinton]

[Clinton moves to speak… and stops, looking at Lee smugly.]

[There is a staring match that should last a while. It eventually evolves into both characters making faces.]


Lee: "A Night at the Opera", "A Day at the Races", Duck Soup" et al. Harpo Marx. This face is called "the gookie". Harpo was a good friend of Alexander Wolcott and a member of the Algonquin Round Table where he rubbed elbows with many literary greats including the cutting Dorothy Parker. A thinly veiled version of Harpo appears under the name Banjo in "The Man Who Came to Dinner" and is played by Jimmy Durante. Harpo’s real name was Adolf, but it was changed to the less provocative Arthur during the Second World War. In the early Marx Brothers plays, Harpo spoke while on stage. Wolcott told him he was a genius, but only when he didn’t speak. He never spoke again. This…

[Clinton leaves the stages in despair. He takes his stand too. Lee’s gaze follows him off.]

There! I thought that would get rid of him…

He’s so boring anyway.

Now where was I?



"Jukebox" debuted January 11, 2002, performed by Clinton Johnston & Lee Moyer.

[Lee Moyer's website]

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