Pick Up Application

H. B. McGrew

Edit February 24, 2002

Cast of Characters

Alex, a handsome, shy man

Tom, his encouraging friend

Tammie, a very gorgeous woman

Nadine, her brainy friend

Setting

A bar. Each set of friends is at opposite ends of the room (stage).

ALEX: (Checking out Tammie. Attempts to this without drawing undue attention to himself. Softly.) Man, she’s hot!

TOM: (Looks up from drink. Makes a big production of sizing her up. Faint surprise.) Wow. Yeah she is. Hottest one in here. (Looks at Alex. Nudges him.) You should talk to her.

ALEX: (Alarm.) Oh no. (Considers for a moment and then shakes head again.) No. I-I can’t.

TOM: (Disgusted.) What do you mean can’t. (Looks at his drink. Takes a sip.) Won’t is more like it.

ALEX: (Nerves warring with his attraction for Tammie. Uncertain.) I just don’t know.

TOM: (Looks again at Alex. Reassuringly pats Alex on the back.) Ah. Come on. The worst she can say is no.

ALEX: (Responding to the pep talk.) You’re right.

TOM: (Back to his drink. Already losing interest.) I’m always right.

ALEX: (Pointedly ignores previous statement. Chugs drink for "liquid confidence." As an afterthought, he breathes into his and smells to check his breath.) I’m going in. (Tom gives Alex a "thumbs up" as encouragement. Alex heads to the other end of the bar. Nadine who is carrying a clipboard stops him halfway across the room.)

NADINE: Hi there.

ALEX: (Briefly looks at Nadine. Still looking at the other end of the bar.) Um. Yeah. Hi. (Attempts to go around Nadine.)

NADINE: (Continues to block Alex; moving so she can’t be avoided. He looks at her in annoyance.) I see you are interested in my friend there.

ALEX: (Annoyance leaves his face. This is replaced with cautious appraisal.) Well, yes. Yes, I am.

NADINE: Terrific! (Taps clipboard.) Well then, you shouldn’t mind filling out this application.

ALEX: (Blinks a few times while it sinks in. Confused.) Excuse me?

NADINE: (Patiently.) All interested parties must fill out an application.

ALEX: (Disbelief.) Really?

NADINE: (Nods.) Really. Standard procedure.

ALEX: (Shock.) Standard procedure?

NADINE: (Appears to pity Alex’s slowness.) What’s your name?

ALEX: Uh. Alex.

NADINE: Alex. Right. (Scribbles name on clipboard sheet. Returns attention to Alex. Moves to his side so they are both looking at Tammie. Clutches clipboard to her chest.) Alex, my friend Tammie is a nice looking lady, wouldn’t you say?

ALEX: (Blushes.) Yes.

NADINE: (Conspiratorially.) You could even go so far as to say she’s hot.

ALEX: (Embarrassed remembering earlier conversation with Tom.) I guess you could.

NADINE: (Moves to stand in front of him so he has to look at her. Patronizing.) You guess? Come now, Alex. You can do better than that.

ALEX: (Somewhat irritated by the tone. Slightly defensive.) Yes. She’s hot.

NADINE: (Makes a notation on the clipboard. Placating.) It’s okay. You aren’t alone. She’s quite a popular woman. You can see why. (Gestures behind her. Then taps the clipboard again.) Hence the application process.

ALEX: Ah. (Uncertain.) I suppose that makes sense.

NADINE: (Reassuring.) Of course it does. It saves time and minimizes hassle as well. For both parties. (Pause. Searches Alex’s face.) So. You interested, Alex?

ALEX: (Cautious. Still wonders if she is serious. Decides to play along.) Okay. (Strength returns to his voice.) If that’s what it takes.

NADINE: (Pleased.) Excellent. Alex, how old are you?

ALEX: (Confidently answers.) 28.

NADINE: (Arches eyebrow. Surprise.) Really? Huh. (Makes notation. Looks over Alex.) Height and weight?

ALEX: (A little less certain.) 5’11". 145 lbs.

NADINE: (Looks at him closely. Shakes head. Speaks what she writes.) Purports to be 5’11" and 145 pounds. (Looks him over again. Squinting. Returns attention to clipboard.) Blue eyes. Mousy blonde hair. Receding hairline.

ALEX: (Alarmed by last reference. Immediately checks his hair to see if it actually is receding. Defensive.) Hey!

NADINE: (Ignores Alex’s obvious dismay.) Career?

ALEX: (Stunned) Network administrator.

NADINE: (Looks at him intently.) In what industry?

ALEX: I, uh, work for a government contractor.

NADINE: (Stares off contemplative.) Huh. So security but lower pay. Interesting. (Writes this down. Alex attempts to look at the clipboard. Noticing this, Nadine pointedly moves the clipboard so he cannot. Shakes her finger at him reprovingly.) Size?

ALEX: (Shocked.) Size?

NADINE: (Nods. Repeats it saying it slower.) Size. You know. (Looks down at Alex’s nether region with emphasis. Then looks Alex in the eye. Repeats a couple of times.) Size. (Waits with anticipation. Subtle smile.)

ALEX: Um.

NADINE: (Leans forward.) Yes?

ALEX: (Stunned.) Wow.

NADINE: (Feigns worry) I’m sorry, Alex.

Am I making you uncomfortable?

ALEX: Uh…uh…

NADINE: (Still looking worried.) I mean, most of the applicants were perfectly willing to offer up that information. Some even with pride. But I can see where it might make you, you know, concerned. Men seem to worry about not…measuring up. (Small smirk. Alex looks at her sharply. Somewhat apologetic.) So to speak.

ALEX: (Completely alarmed.) You know…

NADINE: (Proffers a way out.) Would you like to maybe try this at another time? Maybe you have something else you need to do?

ALEX: Um. (Perplexed. Backs up a step from Nadine.) Yeah. (Thinks about it a bit. Seems a bit relieved.) Let me…let me think on that question. I’ll uh get back to you.

NADINE: (Makes another notation to the dismay of Alex. Looks up. Understanding.) Sure, Alex. You just let me know.

ALEX: Uh, right. (Backs up another step and then gestures to his friend.) I’ve got to get back. (Nervous laugh.) Came here with a friend. Should get back to him.

NADINE: (Condescendingly sweet.) Right. Of course you do.

(Alex rushes back to the other end of the bar. Nadine walks over to Tammie.)

TAMMIE: (Watching Alex as he returns to his friend. Intrigued.) Who was that?

NADINE: Oh him. That’s (pretends to forget his name. Refers to the clipboard.) Alex.

TAMMIE: (Still looking at Alex as he leaves. Dreamy.) He’s hot! You should have brought him over. I would have loved to meet him.

NADINE: Yeah well…you know…(Leaves last thought unfinished. Taps clipboard importantly.)

TAMMIE: (Sighs.) Right. (Feigning interest.) So. How is your psychology research going?

NADINE: (Evil little smirk. Not noticed by Tammie.) Better than I had anticipated.

TAMMIE: Oh. Good. (Slightly pleading.) Can we go soon? (Annoyed. Plays with the straw in her drink.) I haven’t been hit on once all evening. I’m beginning to wonder if I smell.

NADINE: Well…(Spies another "victim" making his way toward Tammie. Half smile.) Just one more.

TAMMIE: (Heaves a sigh.) Okay. I’ll be here. (Pauses dramatically. Returns attention to her drink.) Alone.

The End.