Pick Up Application

H. B. McGrew

February 19, 2002

Cast of Characters

Alex, a handsome, shy man

Tom, his friend

Tammie, a very gorgeous woman

Nadine, her friend

Setting

A bar each set of friends is at opposite ends of the room.

Alex: (Checking out Tammie) Man, she's hot!

Tom: (Looks up from drink. Faint surprise.) Wow. Yeah she is. Hottest one in here. (Nudges Alex.) Why don't you go talk to her?

Alex: (Alarm.) Oh no. (Considers for a moment and then nods head again.) No. I - I can't.

Tom: What do you mean can't? (Disgusted.) Won't is more like it.

Alex: (Uncertain.) I just don't know.

Tom: (Reassuring.) The worst she can say is no.

Alex: (Confidence building.) You're right.

Tom: (Back to drink.) I'm always right.

Alex: (Pointedly ignores previous statement. Chugs drink for "liquid

confidence." Then primps a moment.) I'm going in. (Tom gives Alex a friendly pat on the back. Alex heads to the other end of the bar. Nadine who is carrying a clipboard stops him.)

Nadine: Hi there.

Alex: (Briefly looks at Nadine. Still looking at the other end of the bar.) Um. Yeah. Hi. (Attempts to go around Nadine.)

Nadine: (Continues to block Alex. Moves so she can't be avoided.) I see you are interested in my friend there.

Alex: (Looks at Nadine intently.) Well, yes. Yes, I am.

Nadine: Terrific! (Taps clipboard.) Well, then, you wouldn't mind filling out this application.

Alex: (Confused.) Excuse me?

Nadine: (Patiently.) All interested parties must fill out an application.

Alex: (Disbelief.) Really?

Nadine: (Nods.) Really. Standard procedure you understand.

Alex: (Still in shock. Said as though it is a foreign concept.) Standard procedure?

Nadine: (Salesman pitch.) What's your name?

Alex: Uh. Alex.

Nadine: Alex. Right. (Scribbles name on clipboard sheet. Returns attention to Alex.) Alex, my friend Tammie is a nice looking lady, wouldn't you say?

Alex: (Blushes.) Yes.

Nadine: You could even go so far as to say she is hot, correct?

Alex: (Winces remembering earlier statement to Tom.) I guess you could.

Nadine: (Patronizing.) You guess? Come now. You can do better than that.

Alex: (Somewhat irritated by tone.) Yes. She’s hot.

Nadine: (Makes a notation on the clipboard.) It’s okay. You aren’t alone. She’s quite a popular woman. You understand. (Taps the clipboard once again.) Hence, the application process.

Alex: Ah. (Uncertain.) I suppose that makes sense.

Nadine: (Reassuring.) Of course it does. It saves time and minimizes hassle as well. (Afterthought.) For both parties. (Pause.) So. You interested, Alex?

Alex: Um. (Perplexed.) Let me…let me think on that.

Nadine: (Makes another notation to the dismay of Alex. Looks up. Understanding.) Sure, Alex. You just let me know if you change your mind.

Alex: Uh, right. (Gestures to friend at the other end of the bar.) I’ve to get back. (Nervous laugh.) Came here with a friend. Should get back to him.

Nadine: (Subtly sarcastic.) Right. Of course, you do.

(Alex Rushes back to the other end of the bar. Nadine walks over to Tammie.)

Tammie: (Watching Alex as he returns to his friend.) Who was that cute guy?

Nadine: Oh him. That’s (refers to clipboard) Alex.

Tammie: (Still looking at Alex as he leaves. Dreamy.) You should have brought him over. I would have loved to meet him.

Nadine: Yeah well…you know. Leaves last line dangle. Taps clipboard importantly.

Tammie: So how is your psychology survey going?

Nadine: (Evil little smirk.) Better than I had expected.

Tammie: Can we go soon? (Annoyed.) I haven’t been hit on once all evening. I’m beginning to wonder if I smell.

Nadine: Well… (Spies another "victim" making his way toward Tammie.) Just one more.

Tammie: (Sighs.) Okay…I’ll be here. Alone. (Sighs again.)

The End.