WHO’S YOUR MESSIAH?
by Scott McGee

BOB
And welcome back, to WHO’S YOUR MESSIAH? (applause sign is held up by CUE CARD HOLDER) Thank you. Thank you. Kathy, are we having fun?

KATHY
Yes, we are, Bob.

BOB
That’s great. And tell me, Kathy, are we any closer to finding your Messiah?

KATHY
Actually, Bob, we’re not. There are just too many tough questions out there that need answers.

BOB
(chuckles) Well, let me tell ya, Kathy... (yelling) LIFE IS FULL OF TOUGH QUESTIONS DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND YOU ARE NEVER EVER, EVER GOING TO FIND ANY ANSWERS!! NEVER!!! (immediately lightening) ... unless... one of our three contestants can help you find those answers! How’s it going contestants?

ALL THREE CONTESTANTS
Okay. Fine. Good. (ad lib ... etc.)

BOB
Great. And let’s reintroduce our contestants to our fat, stay-at-home TV audience. Our first contestant is a carpenter by day and a wine-making partier by night. Let’s give a warm welcome to that lovable temple smashing ladies’ man... (pronouncing it in Spanish) Jesus Hombre Christa!!!

JESUS
Oh for the love of my Dad. When are you gonna get that right, Bob?

BOB
(to Jesus) Oh, Jesus Christ, I’m sorry. (to audience) Sorry, folks. That’s Jesus H. Christ. Give it up for Jesus!

JESUS
Peace, everybody. Peace. And love. Lots of love, baby. Lots of love.

BOB
And let’s not forget our 2nd contestant this evening. He’s the host of the Netherworld, a former winged commander, the mascot for most Heavy Metal music, and a former child star of the ‘80s. Let’s put ‘em together for the man of many faces and many names... Lucifer Beezlebub Satan Rosenberg!

LUCIFER
(standing) Rock n Roll! Rock n Roll! (as he sits back down) Alastim Malakim, my brothers.

JESUS
Hey, man. You can’t say that.

LUCIFER
Mass Appeal and Networking, choir boy. You ought to look into it.

JESUS
Fuck you, Lucy.

LUCIFER
I’d let you, but I’d fall asleep and you’d fall in love. Oh... and then out of Heaven. What ever would daddy say? Boo hoo hoo.

JESUS
Don’t you talk about my daddy!

LUCIFER
Oh, that’s right. You have father issues. It’s tough being a false prophet isn’t it?

JESUS
What’d you say?!

LUCIFER
Bob, maybe we should rename the show. Instead of Who’s Your Messiah, maybe it should really be called: Who’s Your Daddy?!!

JESUS
(leaps for Lucifer) You motherfucker! I’m gonna beat the Hell out of you!

BOB
Okay. Break it up, you two. Break it up. (after the commotion is over and everyone is back in their seats) Sorry, Kathy, you know how it is when you get a couple of deities together.

KATHY
Yes, I do, Bob. (a cheesy smile)

BOB
(looks at her for a minute, then continues) Alright, and finally, let’s reintroduce our third contestant here tonight... he... is... uh... he’s... sitting right over there! Please give it up for... Max.

MAX
(he’s clearly mentally handicapped) Sometimes. Sometimes. My name is Max. Sometimes.

JESUS
(pause) I’m really gonna fire my agent.

LUCIFER
We might want to move this along, Bob. I think Max here might be a little tired.

BOB
Okay, then. Kathy, it’s up to you. As you know, you have one more question to ask our contestants before you choose your Messiah. Are you ready?

KATHY
I am, Bob.

BOB
Great, Kathy. (pause) Ask your question, Kathy.

KATHY
Okay, Bob. Hello, contestants.

ALL THREE CONTESTANTS
Hello. Hiya. Sometimes. (etc)

KATHY
My question is this: With my country in economic and moralistic decline, I’ve come to have less and less faith in higher powers. Now with the world’s nations at each others’ throats and standing at the brink of nuclear disaster like we are, and also considering the agonizing death of my mother last week to the drawn out horrors of cancer, how can I possibly have faith in anything one thing at all, especially a Messiah? (pauses) Jesus?

JESUS
(at a loss) Uh, yeah. (snaps out of it) Hey! Who loves ya, baby? Who loves ya, huh? Jesus loves you.

KATHY
This I know, for the bible tells me so. But that’s just a book written by a few of your buddies. It’s just words on a page. I need more.

JESUS
(again at a loss) Yeah. Well... listen, Kathy, I hate to tell you this, but that’s just not my gig, alright? Look if you wanted me to do some tricks for you, walk on water, lower your food bill, whatever. Fine. I can do that. Hell, I could cure up that rash on your ankle if you wanted me to, but this whole other thing, this bigger picture, world thing. And your mom dying. Man, I don’t know. I just can’t help you there. I wish I could but... Sorry.

KATHY
That’s okay. Lucifer, how about you?

LUCIFER
Kathy, I’m gonna have to be honest with you here. I know it may effect my score and all, but uh... well, fuck it, better now than later... Kathy, I, uh... I invented Cancer. Yeah. That was me. One of MY many creations. And it’s a bitch, I give you that. But I’m, uh, kind of proud of it really. Sorry about your mom and all, I really am. Um... what can I tell you. I mean, Cancer and the Democratic Party, two things I am really, really proud of. So, there you go. Oh, and I also had a small hand in that whole nuclear fission experimentation thing, but mostly that was just you guys being stupid. So, sorry, can’t help you there either. But, hey, I love to rock so maybe we could hook up later or something. You just let me know. I just really hope that you won’t hold it against me and still, you know, come and worship me. That’s all.

KATHY
Oh.

BOB
Well, I’m sorry, Kathy. It looks like you are going to have a tough decision to make. But I have to ask you, Kathy. Who’s your Messiah now, Kathy? Who’s it gonna be?

KATHY
Wait, Bob. I still need to hear from contestant number 3.

BOB
Oh, Kathy, are you really sure you want to do that?

KATHY
Yes, of course I am, Bob.

BOB
I’m sorry, Kathy. Go right ahead.

KATHY
Contestant number 3?

MAX
Sometimes.

KATHY
Same question.

MAX
Sometimes.

KATHY
Max, it’s the same question as I asked the others.

MAX
Sometimes.

BOB
I’m sorry, Kathy. We are almost out of time, and you need to make a decision. I don’t think Max is going to give you an answer either.

MAX
SOMETIMES... (standing) sometimes, life is hard. Sometimes life is bad. Sometimes we have no answers. Sometimes we have no one to turn to. Sometimes we have to turn to ourselves. Sometimes we are the only person who can help us. We have to live with it... and go on by ourselves. Find happiness by ourselves. It’s there. We just have to find it. Sometimes. Sometimes.

LUCIFER
I could have said that.

JESUS
Me too. I think I wrote that in my book. Somewhere I think.

BOB
Alright, Kathy, who’s it gonna be? Kathy, Who is your Messiah?

KATHY
I’m not gonna choose contestant number 1 or contestant number 2... or number 3 either.

BOB
What? But, Kathy... you have to choose somebody, who’s your Messiah?

KATHY
Bob, I’m choosing myself. I’m gonna choose me. I think Max is right. Sometimes you have to believe in yourself. Sometimes you have to make the hard choice. My messiah is inside me.

BOB
And there ya go, folks. Join us next week, when we joined by Muhammad, Buddha, and Katie Couric. Until then, this is all of us, asking all of you...

EVERYONE
WHO’S YOUR MESSIAH!!!

"WHO’S YOUR MESSIAH?" debuted January 17, 2003 with the following cast:

BOB: Anthony Backman
KATHY: Kristie Rolape
JESUS: Chris Clarke
LUCIFER: Eric Johnson
MAX: Brian Anderson
CUE-CARD HOLDER: Brett Webster

Musical accompaniment provided by: Jonathan Price

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