copyright © 2002 Scott McGee

Got a Quarter?
By Scott McGee

A man stands alone, very stiff, very posed.

He is a soda machine.A man and woman walk in and pause at man/machine.

WOMAN
What’s his problem?

MAN
What?

WOMAN
That guy over there.

Man walks over to man/machine and studies it for a second.

MAN
Oh, dude! I know what this is!

WOMAN
What? That guy?

MAN
Yeah, but it’s not a guy. It’s one of those new ... uh ... things. You know... uh...

WOMAN
What the hell are you talking about?

MAN
Those new ... soda machines. That’s what it is. That’s one of those things.

WOMAN
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

MAN
That guy over there is not a guy.

WOMAN
That guy?

MAN
Yeah, that guy.

WOMAN
He’s not a guy?

MAN
No, he’s a soda machine. It’s one of those new things they got going on right now. They have these lifelike soda machines that, you know, look like people.

WOMAN
So you’re telling me that this guy. Right here. Is not a guy?

MAN
Right. Totally. He’s not real. It’s a ... machine. A soda machine. You can get sodas and shit out of it.

WOMAN
Really?

MAN
Totally.

WOMAN
Prove it.

MAN
Okay.

Man fishes out a dollar out of his pocket and deposits it into hand of man/machine. Man/machine goes through some machine-like motions, puts dollar in his wallet, looks for change, can’t find any, shrugs, puts wallet back in his pocket, and freezes again.

Woman looks at Man questioningly.

MAN
It’s broken.

WOMAN
You’re an idiot. (starts to leave)

MAN
They’re just really lifelike. Seriously!

WOMAN
(coming back) Okay. What about this.

Woman stomps on toe of man/machine.

Nothing happens.

Woman does it again.

Nothing.

Finally, she punches it in the stomach.

Man/machine moans and whirs and gets wallet out. Gives dollar to Woman. Freezes again.

MAN
See, I told you, it’s just great technology.

Woman leaves disgusted. Man follows her off.

MAN
What?

Pause. Man/machine stands onstage alone.Friend walks in.

FRIEND
Hey. (pause) Come on, man, how much did you get?

MAN/MACHINE
About 30 bucks.

FRIEND
Cool. Let’s get something to eat.

MAN/MACHINE
Okay, but half of it is in quarters stuck up my ass.

Friend shrugs as they walk off together.

Man/Machine is walking a little funny.

Lights Out

"Got a Quarter?" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Got a Quarter?" debuted November 22, 2002, with the following cast:

MAN: Chris Clarke
WOMAN: Tory Seiter
MAN/MACHINE: Scott McGee
FRIEND: Dave Ulrich

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