copyright © 2002 Scott McGee

 

HONESTLY, HONESTY


by Scott McGee

Bob and Jane enter.

BOB
Jane, I’m not gonna lie to you. That was a great blowjob.

JANE
Well, Bob, I am good.

BOB
You are good.

JANE
I am great.

BOB
You are great!

JANE
Best in the Tri-Cities.

BOB
I wouldn’t go that far, Jane.

JANE
Thanks for your honesty, Bob.

BOB
Absolutely. Say, Jane, where the fuck is everybody?

JANE
I don’t fucking know, Bob.

BOB
Well, fuck me, they’re late. And if it’s one thing I hate it’s fuckers who are late.

JANE
I completely agree with you, Bob. I fucking hate that.

BOB
And if it’s two things I hate, it’s fuckers who are late and the Jews.

JANE
I completely agree with you, Bob. I fucking hate the Jews.

BOB
And if it’s three things I hate it’s fuckers who are late, the Jews, and getting anally raped by a black man named Brisco.

JANE
I completely agree with you, Bob. Except for that last part because I’ve never tried that.

BOB
Well don’t, Jane, because you won’t enjoy it, your ass will hurt for a month, you’ll end up falling in love, your letters will never get replies, you’ll get pissed off, and you’ll end up taking it out on your wife and kids by beating the hell out of them.

JANE
I don’t have a wife and kids, Bob.

BOB
Good point, Jane.

JANE
Thanks, Bob. Look, here come those late fuckers now.

Tom, Dick, and Harry enter singing "Happy Birthday." Jane joins their song.

ALL
Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, you Asshole. Happy Birthday to you.

Everyone laughs and groups around Bob.

BOB
Okay, you fuckers. you got me. You got me. I hate all of you and especially you, Harry, because I’m attracted to you in an unnatural way, but I’ll forgive you for the next... oh... 5-10 minutes, and then I’ll go back to hating you fuckers again.

ALL
Thanks, thanks, Bob. Thanks. (Etc...)

BOB
So who’s fucking idea was this anyway?

TOM
I think it was Dick’s idea. But I’ll take credit for it.

BOB
You usually do, Tom.

DICK
As much as I’d like to take credit for it, I do think it was Harry’s idea.

HARRY
It was my idea.

DICK
It was?

HARRY
It was.

DICK
Fuck me. I was just trying to appear generous in front of Bob.

HARRY
Well then, Dick, I guess your name suits you.

All laugh and adlib. "Yeah, it does. It does. Etc..."

BOB
So, Harry, if it was your idea to surprise me on my birthday, I guess that makes you the top brown-noser here, right?

HARRY
That’s right.

BOB
No, that’s wrong.

HARRY
That’s wrong?

BOB
That’s wrong. Jane just gave me a blowjob in the copy room.

HARRY
Fuck me.

BOB
I’d like to.

TOM
Fuck you, Jane.

JANE
Bob tried that but I only went for the blowjob.

TOM
Better job security.

JANE
Absolutely.

DICK
So, Bob, are you gonna tell us who’s gonna get that promotion or what?

BOB
Yes, I am, Dick. I’m not gonna give it to Tom because his third quarter was atrocious, his management skills have lacked the aggressive qualities we try to strive for here, and his inbox totals have been suspiciously low.

TOM
I’ve been embezzling for about a year now.

BOB
I thought that. And I’m not gonna give it to Jane... because she’s a fucking woman.

JANE
Fuck me.

BOB
Too late for that, you already gave me the blowjob. I’m also not gonna give it to Harry, because he won’t fuck me either.

HARRY
I’m not gay.

BOB
Fuck you, Harry. We’re all gay. And, finally, I’m not gonna give the promotion to you, Dick.

DICK
Why’s that, Bob?

BOB
Because your name is Dick. I don’t want my company run by a Dick, Dick.

DICK
I could change it.

BOB
Too late. You’ll always be a Dick to me. So there you go. That’s all. Thanks for the surprise. Thanks for the blowjob. I have to go now. I don’t have anything important to do, but I don’t want to hang around with four fuckers who are bitter and would probably gut me like a fish if given a quiet moment alone with me. Fuck you, you, you, and you. So long.

TOM
What an asshole.

DICK
Hate that fucker.

HARRY
Prickless bastard.

JANE
Actually, his cock’s quite big.

TOM, DICK, & HARRY
Really?

JANE
Really. So, I’m going to the copy room. Anyone want a blowjob?

TOM
I do.

DICK
Me too.

HARRY
I’m just gonna go to the men’s room and beat it.

JANE
Okay. Let’s go quick, I’ve got a board meeting at two.

ALL
Bye. See ya later. Etc...

All exit


"Honestly, Honesty" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
All characters carry no subtext. It’s all smiles, grins, and surface conversation… the only difference is that the characters say what they actually feel.

"Honestly, Honesty" debuted November 15, 2002, with the following cast:

BOB: Scott McGee
JANE: Tory Seiter
TOM: Robert Knight
DICK: Brett Webster
HARRY: Tom Turner

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