copyright © 2002 Scott McGee

Must The Show Go On?


by Scott McGee

GRAHAM and DILLER enter.

DILLER
Mr. Racker, We sure is glad you were able to fill in at the last minute for us.

GRAHAM
Please, just call me Graham.

DILLER
Why’s that?

GRAHAM
Because... that’s my name.

DILLER
What is?

GRAHAM
Graham. That’s my first name.

DILLER
Graham?

GRAHAM
Yes.

DILLER
So, your name is Graham Racker?

GRAHAM
(nervous laugh) That’s right.

DILLER
No shit? So you ever say, "My name is Graham Racker - just like the cracker?!?" You ever say that?

GRAHAM
No. No I never say that.

DILLER
HAH! Good thing. Cause you’d get punched in the eye for that shit.

GRAHAM
(nervous laugh) And I don’t want that.

DILLER
Shit no.

GRAHAM
So, do you think we could just get started with the auditions?

DILLER
Oh yeah. Hell yeah, Graham... Racker. ha, ha. Shit, I’m just glad you were able to make it. We didn’t even know if we were gonna have a play this year. So when Mary Lou found out that you had some experience with playacting from up north, shit, man, that was it.

GRAHAM
Yes, well, I’m glad to help out where I can. I’ve missed my time on the boards. (blank look from Diller) Acting. I’ve missed acting.

DILLER
Ohhhh...

GRAHAM
And directing is the next thing to it, they say.

DILLER
Is that what they say?

GRAHAM
(pause) Yes. I suppose they do. So what is the actual play that we’ll be doing?

DILLER
It’s supposed to be a funny one. It’s called "The Odd Couple."

GRAHAM
(not thrilled) Oh.

DILLER
Yeah, supposed to be a real gut-ripper. About these couple of fellas that live together but they can’t stand each other, you know. One’s a normal guy and the other guy’s gay.

GRAHAM
I don’t think that is actually the case...

DILLER
Yeah, well, we can work out all them details later. Let’s just go ahead and get them kids in here.

GRAHAM
Kids?

DILLER
Yup, we got ‘em lined up out the door out there.

GRAHAM
But this is an adult play. There aren’t any children in "The Odd Couple."

DILLER
Yeah, well, we’re gonna do it with kids. Cuz we already done the Wizard of Oz last year, and we were gonna do that musical show ANNIE this year, but they sent us the wrong scripts. So we figure we’ll just write in some songs and such and just do this show. That’ll save us some good money. Shouldn’t be too hard.

GRAHAM
I don’t know. This is definitely not a kids’ show. It’s a script written for adults.

DILLER
Oh, these kids is powerful smart, you’ll see.

GRAHAM
It’s not that, it’s just I don’t think...

DILLER
Come on, Cracker-Boy! Get with it! I said we’ll work out the details later. Let’s just get them knee-biters in here and get this going! Mary Lou, send in the first four!

Four kids enter and stand in a line.

DILLER
Now ya’ll just stand over there. Okay. This here’s Mr. Racker. He’s gonna be lookin’ to see what ya’ll can do now. So, each of ya, tell him your name and your age, and then do something dramatical.

RANDY
I’m Randy Mitchell and I’m eight years old.

GRAHAM
Eight?

DILLER
Shhh. What you gonna do, Randy?

RANDY
I’m gonna be a robot.

GRAHAM
A robot?

RANDY
Yep. Houston we have a problem. Uh oh. We better send out a robot to fix it! (starts acting like a robot)

GRAHAM
(watches for a second) Okay. Next. (Randy continues to be a robot)

JEFF
My name is Jeff Grayson, and I’m ten years old, and my dad owns this building. I want a big part.

GRAHAM
Okay. (pause) So, do you want to do anything for us.

JEFF
No, I just want a big part.

DILLER
(almost whispering) Yeah, he can probably be the gay one.

GRAHAM
Moving on.

RANDY
Must save planet.

GRAHAM
What’s your name, sweetie?

AMBER
Amber.

GRAHAM
How old are you?

AMBER
Seven.

GRAHAM
Seven. Mmmm.

AMBER
I’m gonna sing a song.

GRAHAM
Great.

AMBER
(starts singing "Tomorrow")

GRAHAM
Thank you! (she’s still singing) That’s enough!

DILLER
She really wanted to be Annie.

GRAHAM
You think? Okay, next.

TYLER
I’m Tyler Long and I’m six years old. And I’m tigger!!! (sings) Oh, the wonderful thing about Tiggers... (starts bouncing around the room)

GRAHAM
Wait...

AMBER
(starts singing again) The sun’ll come out...

Tyler is bouncing around the room, singing as Tigger. Amber is almost screaming out her song. Randy is making robot noises and voices. Jeff is trying not to be touched by the others and complaining about everything in a loud voice. Graham is standing trying to calm everyone down. Diller is clapping along. Finally Graham shouts over everybody...

GRAHAM
QUIET!!!!!!

Everyone freezes.

GRAHAM
Look. I’m sorry. But I can’t do this. Ever. I have to leave. I have to go. Very far away. (exits)

ALL FOUR KIDS
Is the Yankee gone?!?

DILLER
He sure is. You kids did great! Ice cream for everybody!!!

ALL FOUR KIDS
Yeaaaaa!!!! (OPTIONAL ENDING)

NARRATOR
Children’s theatre. We’ll get rid of the Yankees for you... So you don’t have to!!!

EVERYONE
Yeaaaaa!!!!!

 

Copyright ã 2002 Scott McGee

 

"Must The Show Go On?" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
The optional ending was not performed at the premiere of this piece, but is included as a look at the original idea I had as writing this short play. It was a way to transition the piece into a PSA at the last minute, and completely turn the rest of the piece around. But, at the last minute this idea was discarded. I still don’t know why.

"Must The Show Go On?" debuted November 8, 2002, with the following cast:
DILLER: Tom Turner
GRAHAM: Brian Anderson
RANDY: Dave Ulrich
JEFF: Chris Clarke
AMBER: Tory Seiter
TYLER: Brett Webster

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