copyright © 2002 Shannon McCormick

The Dancing Female Robots Present: The Big Adventure at the Side of the Cliff;

or

You Ever Heard of a Moebius Strip?

By Shannon McCormick

Lights up on two female robots making their way to the side of a cliff. They should be struggling as if making their way through ferociously strong wind. It should also look as if they're struggling against their will. They come to the edge of the stage and peer down.

FEMALE ROBOT ONE (Jessy):
Well, it looks like this is the end of the dancing female robots.

FEMALE ROBOT TWO (Yasmin):
We never should have angered all those peasants down in that village. After they captured us, they reprogrammed our robotic brains to make us suicidal. I can't control my urge to throw myself off this cliff!

FEMALE ROBOT ONE:
Fortunately they didn't program over our ability to enjoy and engage in dance. If we're going to die, at least we'll go out dancing.

Female Robot One snaps her fingers and a really cheesy song begins to play. Robot Two begins her dance. It should continue on in a lame fashion until it seems a little bit uncomfortable for the audience. And then:

JESSY (now as herself, having watched Yasmin with apprehension while Yasmin dances):
I'm sorry Yasmin, I can't do this any more.

YASMIN(still dancing but slowing down):
Why not? What's the matter Jessy? Don't you like the piece?

JESSY:
No, it's not that. It's that my script told me to say "I can't do this anymore" and then it told me to stop.

YASMIN(finally stopping her dance):
Oh my god, you're right. And my script told me to ask you what was the matter. And now it's telling me to say these words and to stop my dance.

JESSY:
This is really weird. It's like the script has completely taken control of this entire piece.

YASMIN:
Jessy?

JESSY:
Yes?

YASMIN(starting to get a little scared):
I'm scared.

JESSY:
Really?

YASMIN( really scared, on the verge of tears):
No! But this is what the script is telling me to do! I'm scared!

JESSY:
We better get some help! Shannon! Come out here! We need you!

SHANNON (enters from the back, oblivious to what's going on, but holding a script):
Hey ladies, what's up? How's the piece going?

JESSY:
Bad. It's going really bad.

SHANNON:
What's the matter?

YASMIN:
We were supposed to be doing a piece called "The Dancing Female Robots Present: The Big Adventure at the Side of the Cliff; or You Ever Heard of a Moebius Strip?" but the script went all crazy and now it's telling us to call you out here to help us.

JESSY:
Yeah. It's like everything you wrote down, we have to do.

SHANNON:
I'm not sure I can help you. I only wrote the damn thing. It's not like we're actually having a spontaneous conversation up here. Now that I'm acting in the piece, I'm as much a slave to this script as you are.

YASMIN:
Oh my god, I think I'm going to pass out.

SHANNON:
Really?

YASMIN:
No! But I think the script is trying to get me to pass out.

JESSY:
And now the script is making me ask you why you always have us play sexy girl-children all the time? People are going to start thinking you're some kind of pervert.

SHANNON:
Do you guys really feel this way? Does it bother you?

YASMIN and JESSY (simultaneously):
No it doesn't! But the script made us talk about it.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
This is fucking stupid.

(bring up house lights)
SHANNON:
Who said that?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
I did. Come on people. Just because you break down the fourth wall in the middle of a piece and build your own critique of the piece into the piece itself doesn't mean that you're still not fresh out of ideas. I mean, do you really think having me enter the piece right now is all that original?

YASMIN:
Hey who asked you?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
You did, when you agreed to perform this thing in front of an audience. And this damn script that Shannon gave me before the start of the show. The only thing that would make this any lamer is if one of those voice-over narrators that Shannon has been so fond of recently came on to wrap everything up.

NARRATOR (entering):

This speech will be the same as the speech at the end of 'The Sauce', a piece I will do earlier in the evening.
That's right fellas, Blueberry Compote from the International House of Pancakes! Replace your regular man-flavor with tasty fruit syrup, and you too can become the most popular gentleman in your neighborhood. All for the low, low price of $70,000 and six-weeks of bed rest following the surgery on your groin.

SHANNON (shuttling the Narrator offstage):
Wrong piece, man.

NARRATOR:
Not according to this version of the script.

JESSY:
Well, what do we do now? It looks we're stuck.

SHANNON:
Hey wait, not really. You ever heard of a Moebius Strip? A Klein Flask? A snake biting its own tale? Just take at look at your scripts. You'll see what I'm talking about. Music!

The music from the opening segment starts up again. Shannon steps aside to let the Female Robots do their thing.

FEMALE ROBOT ONE:
Fortunately they didn't program over our ability to enjoy and engage in dance. If we're going to die, at least we'll go out dancing.

FEMALE ROBOT TWO:
We never should have angered all those peasants down in that village. After they captured us, they reprogrammed our robotic brains to make us suicidal. I can't control my urge to throw myself off this cliff!

FEMALE ROBOT ONE:
Well, it looks like this is the end of the dancing female robots.

Music stops.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Lame.

SHANNON:
Hey.

LIGHTS OUT HARD

End

"The Dancing Female Robots Present: The Big Adventure at the Side of the Cliff" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"The Dancing Female Robots Present: The Big Adventure at the Side of the Cliff" debuted September 13, 2002.
Personnel:
Yasmin Kittles, Jessy Schwartz, Shannon McCormick
Narrator-Jericho Thorp
Audience Member-Michael Joplin


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