What Is So Great About Colorado?

by Shannon McCormick

YASMIN:

I ask you, what is so great about Colorado? Huh? I ask you? Vacation, bah! Who needs it?

JESSY:

I miss my dog.

YASMIN:

Vacation! Who needs it! Mountains! Big deal! Colo-fucking-Rado! Whoop-di-doo. Do you think I could have become the President of the Slightly Pornographic Meter Maid Association if I went on vacation all the time?

JESSY:

No, I don’t think you would.

YASMIN:

Damn straight. And then what happens? We get sent–

JESSY:

We get sent to Colorado for the convention of Slightly Pornographic Meter Maid Association.

YASMIN:

Exactly. And we’ve been here for, what, a year and half?

JESSY:

A year and a half. I miss my dog.

YASMIN:

A year and a half we’ve been stuck in this stupid hotel room with a crowd of angry protesters outside the building ready to burn us down. That is not a vacation, I tell you. That’s a whole new life. A life that is far from appropriate for two Slightly Pornographic Meter Maids.

JESSY:

Don’t look out the window, it’s not going to make you feel any better.

YASMIN:

COLORADO! I hate it. This state gives me a crook in my neck.

JESSY:

I know. You’ve told me every day for the past year and a half. That’s what you get for sticking your head out the window every five minutes. If they haven’t burned down the hotel yet, they’re not going to.

YASMIN:

Why do they hate us so much? There’s a big Skinhead Rally or some kind of White Supremacy convention in this hotel every week. Thousands of racists every weekend. And do they protest those people? No. But oh no, dare to hold a national convention of the Slightly Pornographic Meter Maids, an organization of what, fifteen women, and all hell breaks lose.

JESSY:

Fourteen.

YASMIN:

What?

JESSY:

Fourteen women. Margie quit last week. She snuck out of her hotel room and moved back to New Jersey.

YASMIN:

God I hate this state!

JESSY:

Well, it’s a hard life. Being trapped in this hotel, continually worrying about is someone going to attack you or burn down your hotel because you’re a Slightly Pornographic Meter Maid. You start missing things. I miss my dog. The way my tiny little dog would sometimes lick my toes in the morning when my feet would dangle off the bed. What do you miss?

YASMIN:

I miss all the photo shoots for the newsletter we used to do. Like when my skirt would ride up in a slightly pornographic manner. Or when we’d do a slightly pornographic session with jumper cables. Or notepads.

JESSY:

It’s not really erotic when my dog licked my toes, but it feels better than those photo shoots.

YASMIN:

I miss the way my dad was disappointed in me when I became a Slightly Pornographic Meter Maid. I used to be a Dancing Carrot, at that soup and salad place. Remember that? And my dad was so disappointed when I quit that. That’s what I miss. I miss the way my dad was disappointed with me for leaving the Dancing Carrot job.

JESSY:

Yeah. I miss that too.

YASMIN:

Well. What time is it?

JESSY:

Time for them to try to light the building on fire again.

YASMIN:

Well, do you have anything to help us while away the time until the firefighters come?

JESSY:

Same as every time. I have tap shoes, pom poms, rollerskates, a tiny dog that makes noise if any of that helps.

YASMIN:

I’ll take the pom poms.

JESSY:

I’ll take the tap shoes.

YASMIN (as both Y and J start some kind of dance routine):

I ask you, what’s so great about Colorado?

"What Is So Great About Colorado?" debuted August 16, 2002, performed by Yasmin Kittles and Jessy Schwartz.

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