The Money Box

by Shannon McCormick

Cast of characters:

Stephanie, Child Genius of Rocking to Benatar in her Slip in the Basement

Claire, currently Child Genius of Precocious Vulgarity, formerly Child Genius of many things

Julie, the Dreaded Mother

Lights up on Stephanie asleep in her homemade fort in her basement. She is wearing a slip and is cuddling some blankets. A few beats go by to establish that she is sleeping. Then, Julie enters with Claire a few paces behind her.

JULIE:

Stephanie! Wake up Stephanie!

STEPHANIE (crabbily waking up from her sleep):

What is it, the Dreaded Mother? I told you not to wake me unless you use the password.

JULIE:

Oh for crying out loud, Stephanie.

STEPHANIE:

The password, the Dreaded Mother!

JULIE:

Fine. ‘Benatar.’ There, I’ve said it. Now can I talk to you?

STEPHANIE:

Yes. What is it?

JULIE:

Your friend Claire has come over to pay you a visit. Isn’t that nice.

CLAIRE waves ‘hi," and comes over to Stephanie’s fort.

JULIE:

OK, you girls have fun playing down here. I’ll be upstairs if you need anything.

JULIE exits.

CLAIRE:

Fuckin’-A dude, your Dreaded Mother is so unBentar. That blows.

STEPHANIE:

I know. I’m sorry. So, do you want to come into the fort?

CLAIRE:

Yes.

STEPHANIE:

OK, say the password and then crouch down to come in.

CLAIRE:

Benatar. (She crouches down to come into the fort.) You, though, are so fucking Benatar.

STEPHANIE:

Thank you. You are very Benatar, too.

CLAIRE:

Thank you. But of all the Benatars there are, you are the most Benatar by far. I’m like just a tiny little fucking planet orbiting around the big huge star of you in the solar system called Benatar.

STEPHANIE:

Well thank you. I’m sorry that the Dreaded Mother still calls us Stephanie and Claire.

She doesn’t even know that I’m the Child Genius of Rocking to Benatar in her Slip in the Basement, and that you are the Child Genius of Constructing Juicy Robots that Carry Aquariums.

CLAIRE:

Fuck that dude. That was last week. Now I’m the Child Genius of Precocious Vulgarity. Fucking rock and roll! I told the Dreaded Mother to suck my muppet baby.

STEPHANIE:

Oh. (beat) So what do you want to do today?

CLAIRE:

Let’s rock out to some Benatar.

STEPHANIE:

I thought you’d never ask. (Pat Benatar’s "Love is a Battlefield" begins to play.) (beat) So tell me again about last week when you were Child Genius of Constructing Juicy Robots that Carry Aquariums.

CLAIRE:

OK, dude, so I built a bunch of juicy robots down in my basement. Then I took them to the playground and made them carry around all of the aquariums that were inside the school. All of those other lame fucking kids paid me assloads of money. And then they lifted me on their shoulders and danced around. Then when it was over I got up in their faces and I said, "Fuck you, you losers! Suck my muppet baby!" And then dude I was out of there on my skateboard lickety-split.

JULIE (from offstage):

Are you girls practicing naughty words down there. Play nice. And turn down that noise.

STEPHANIE:

But it’s Benatar, the Dreaded Mother!

CLAIRE:

Yeah, you fuckwad.

JULIE (still from offstage):

Well, just be sure you’re playing nice.

CLAIRE:

And that was when I became the Child Genius of Precocious Vulgarity. But that’s getting old, so I’m thinking of becoming Child Genius of Avant-garde Diction.

JULIE:

Oh wait, wait, I love this part. (beat) This reminds me of the time I was Child Genius of the Winds of Finland. Back when I played accordion all the time.

CLAIRE:

That’s a lie. You were never the Child Genius of the Winds of Finland. As a matter of fact, you’ve been stuck as the Child Genius of Rocking to Benatar in her Slip in the Basement for a long fucking time. Aren’t you ever going to be the Child Genius of anything else?

STEPHANIE:

Oh yeah? Well I’m just different from you. You change all the time, but I can be the Child Genius of all sort of things at once. So stop thinking you’re better than me.

CLAIRE:

Well, I’m the Child Genius of Being Almost as Benatar as You.

STEPHANIE:

No you’re not. And besides, one time I showed a boy my Money Box.

CLAIRE:

No you didn’t. You don’t even have a Money Box.

STEPAHNIE:

I do too. My doctor told me. He crouches down there and he says, "Hello there young miss, let take a look at this Money Box of yours and then whammo, fifty dollar bills start flying all over the place.

CLAIRE:

I still don’t fucking believe you.

STEPHANIE:

OK, I’ll prove it. (STEPHANIE turns her back to the audience and props her legs up as if she were giving birth. Claire looks.)

CLAIRE:

Holy fucking shit, dude, a Money Box.

STEPHANIE:

Yeah I know. Reach your hand in there and you’ll get fifty dollars.

CLAIRE (reaching in, struggling a bit.):

Fuck a duck, this isn’t no regular Money Box! (She pulls out a beat up old sandal instead of a fifty-dollar bill.) Hey, this is mine.

STEPHANIE:

Oh my gosh, you’re right. That was one of your sandals from when you were Child Genius of Digging for Crawdads by the Shores of the Creek. Wow, that’s never happened before.

CLAIRE:

I’ve heard of this. Not only is this a Money Box, it’s a Memory Box. Fuckin’-A! Anything a Child Genius has ever lost might be up in there. Let’s see what the fuck else you’ve got!

CLAIRE reaches in again. Just as she’s about to pull something else out, JULIE enters.

JULIE:

I thought I told you girls to stop practicing those naughty words….oh dear (she sees what is going on). I told you to play nice down here. This is not playing nice.

STEPHANIE:

But the Dreaded Mother, I was just showing her my Money Box. It’s also a Memory Box. Can you believe it?

JULIE:

Well I’ve never heard anything so vile in all my life. Vile! Vile! (JULIE grabs CLAIRE by the arm and pulls her away.) I’m afraid, Claire, you’re going to have to go home before I lose my temper.

CLAIRE:

Let go of me. I’m going. (CLAIRE begins to exit, but just before she leaves the stage, she turns back to JULIE) Suck my muppet baby! (CLAIRE exits.)

JULIE:

Stephanie, baby, I don’t want you playing like that anymore. Especially with that Child Genius, Claire.

STEPAHNIE:

But I’m a Child Genius, too!

JULIE:

Sure you are dear. Sure you are. I’m going to go make some peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. Why don’t you just stay down here and enjoy your rock and roll.

JULIE exits. When she does, STEPHANIE turns her back to the audience again and reaches into her Money Box. She pulls out a Pat Benatar cd. If the song has ended, it should start up again, or a new one, maybe Heartbreaker, should come on.

STEPHANIE (waving the cd around):

I told you I was a Child Genius!

Lights down as she falls back to sleep.

"The Money Box" debuted July 19, 2002, performed by Yasmin Kittles, Siobhan McKenney, and Jessy Schwartz. Directed by Kacey Samiee.

Performed at No Shame / Orlando on September 4, 2002, with the following cast: Heather Lam [Claire], Tabitha Lee [Stephanie], Bhren Gatlin [Julie].

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