copyright © 2002 Elizabeth Marquis

(The following play was inspired by meeting two actors named Travis and Jeremy. Travis was wearing a "Chucky Got Lucky" t-shirt, the night I met him. Jeremy was wearing a pair of jeans with a big hole in the fabric of the rear-end. I spoke with them for 3-5 minutes, as I arrived late to the theatre from work. I was given the words "vine" and "clobber" to use in the script. I had one night to write and they continued working on the play with the director Chelsea, who came up with the great idea of putting the climbing vine down the aisle between the audience space. )

CHUCKY & CAESAR

Scene: The side of a mountain. The wind is blowing, so that Chucky and Caesar have to shout to each other in order to be heard. Caesar is going up the mountain first, (standing on top of a chair), and Chucky is below holding onto the end of a vine-like rope that Caesar holds. Caesar has a huge hole in the butt of his pants, which his boxer's show through. Chucky wears a Chucky shirt with the words, "Chucky Got Lucky." Chucky has a hard time of it, while Caesar seems confident of his ability in climbing.

CAESAR
If you ever decide to join the armed forces, this is nothing compared to what you have to do. So buck up, Chucky boy!

CHUCKY
Man, Caesar, I don't know how I let you talk me into coming out here in the middle of nowhere to climb the side of a mountain!

CAESAR
What?! I can't hear you, the wind's blowin in my ears!

CHUCKY
I said you're a freaking sadistic frightening fart.

CAESAR
Are you okay? Did you just say I was a creaking cannibalistic tightening tart?

CHUCKY
No.

CAESAR
Good, you better not have. Cause I hold the power on This journey. I could cut this vine. Or... I could clobber you.

CHUCKY
What did you say? This wind's blowing in my ears.

CAESAR
I said I could slobber on you.

CHUCKY
Hey! Why did you go up first. You're more experienced. You're used to working with rocks and shit.

CAESAR
Just rocks, not shit. YOU'RE the Sanitation Engineer.

CHUCKY
And plus, I've got to have your freaking ass in my face!

CAESAR
You said you needed to see things from a different perspective, right?

CHUCKY
Not a thousand feet above the horizon!

CAESAR
Look, if you lose your balance, just grab onto the hole in my pants. That's what it's there for.

CHUCKY
How convenient. Did you make that just for me?

CAESAR
You or anybody who comes along. See, my legs are really strong. I can handle the weight. I can pull you up. Good brand of jeans as well.

CHUCKY
They smell.

CAESAR
What?!

CHUCKY
Hey swell! Thanks for the offer.

CAESAR
Hey Chucky.

CHUCKY
Yeah?

CAESAR
You ever had a death wish?

CHUCKY
What kind of sick destructive bimbo of humanity are you anyway.

CAESAR
What?!

CHUCKY
Uh, why find a quick constructive window of opportunity ....
such as death, when you can live?

CAESAR
I thought you just called me a sick corruptive minnow of the sea.

CHUCKY
Nah, it's just the wind playing tricks on your ears.

CAESAR
Oh man, that was way too close.

CHUCKY
Yeah, WAY too close. I'm not afraid to be afraid. I'm not afraid to be afraid. Chucky got lucky
Now he has a bride
Once he was yucky
Now he has some prid
e She makes him fried foods
And says "open wide"
Chucky's not mucky,
cause he's got a girl by his side.

CAESAR
Man would you shut up the poetry? Hey, what's up with your crying? You little whiny-faced, crusty crazed manchild mama's boy.
You're pulling us down. Get a grip. Okay, Then, Pull your own weight man. Come on, stop it already, for crying out loud....
If you cry, we're gonna die
We are not birds, we cannot fly
And if you fall out from the sky
They'll wonder why, you didn't try.

CHUCKY
Man, That was beautiful.....I don't want to die!

CAESAR
Come on, we're almost there!

CHUCKY
I'm hungry.

CAESAR
Yeah me too. My woman used to pack me lunches, before she went off to the armed forces. I can just see her now.

CAESAR
All that power, all that glory. And look at us.

CHUCKY
Yeah! Look at us! We are alive! She might end up dead on foreign soil. But we are here in America, breathing in fresh air, without the stench of guns and ammunition. Who needs her. Who needs Ôem? I can make my own lunch. Look, Chucky has a Chunky!

CAESAR
Ooh yeah! I'm ready for my share. What.
What!

CAESAR
You greedy two-faced son-of-a-

CHUCKY
Did you just call me a needy blue laced ton of bricks?

CAESAR
Yeah.

CHUCKY
Here's half of my Chunky.

CAESAR
Thanks Chucky.

CHUCKY
No sweat skeezer. I mean Caesar. "Chucky & Caesar" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Chucky & Caesar" debuted July 19, 2002, performed by Jeremy Lamb, Travis Holmes and some help from the folks in the light booth. Directed by Chelsea Gilman.

[Back to: Library] Home