GRAND OLD PUSSY
by Ed Malin
11 St. Felix St., #4F
Brooklyn. NY 11217
izanagi@hotmail.com
(917) 501-4503
Setting: living room. Maybe a mirror. No furniture is absolutely required. Before the start of the scene, an aria from Manon Lescaut plays: "Sola perduta, abbandonata"
MOM, an opera singer, is dressed in high splendor. She ends up looking like some kind of bird. SON is dressed sharp in anticipation of going to a meeting. Perhaps he is tying his tie. MOM did not hear what her SON said so she turns off the stereo where the aria was playing.
MOM
Log cabin what?
SON
Republicans, Mom.
MOM
Thank goodness. It sounded like some gay organization.
SON
Oh, Id never go to that kind of meeting. Why does it sound
MOTHER
aside
I wish I could tell him
to Son
Oh, all those men, all those big logs. And their insecurity makes me uncomfortable, you know.
SON
Gays?
MOTHER
Log cabins. It could all fall crashing on your head any moment.
SON
What does that have to do with
MOTHER
Your father was gay.
SON
Must be where I got it from.
MOM
What?
SON
aside
What?
to Mom
Republicanism.
MOM
Right. Was it me? Did I unconsciously attract this kind of person to marry?
SON
Well, you are a diva.
pause
MOM
I performed before Nixon at La Scala. He couldnt take his eyes off me.
SON
Divas attract the shadiest people.
MOM
I was born singing.
SON
Then sing on, girl.
realizes he sounds gay
I mean, Mom.
MOM
Most people think that babies cry. And they associate that wailing with sadness. But not me. I knew it wasnt noise, it was life. My life.
SON
Look at what youre wearing.
MOM
I collect beautiful effects.
SON
It must have taken hours to do yourself up like that.
MOM
Come here. Give me a hug.
steps near, hugs him
I love you, Son.
releases him
SON
aside
You love me, but you dont love yourself. Because your parents didnt love you. And many love you, because their parents didnt love them. The people youve been with, they like your corona, your effects. They are solar powered idiots. You must get queers by the thousands. But theres a problem. Once you unravel, once you are naked and yourself and night falls, they dont see what they want anymore. They need distance between. Then theyre gone.
MOM
I love you, Son. Im leaving you everything.
SON
Please, lets not-
MOM
Unless youre gay. Then I shall cut you out of my will.
she sobs and almost faints
Ive cut out everyone else. I didnt realize how many, until I had to
she breathes
Dispense with them. And do you know why? Because those are the people who have left me.
SON
I know.
MOM
And to get a piece of me they would have to come back to me. But I want to see that. I want to see them crawl. Yet when youre dead, you do not see.
SON
Dont worry. Im not gay.
MOM
aside
I know youre gay. Manon does not wish to be abandoned. Tosca wont stay in a world without love. I am a Great Dame, bred for living large. I must have someone by me, otherwise I am small. It doesnt matter if I am liked, I just cant be alone.
Listen to what happened today. I was getting my hair done as usual by Arshawn, that lovely man with the soft touch. I passed by a bum on the street, as I always did. This time I gave him money. This time I talked to himI simply had to have someone to talk to. Even before I put the $10 bill in his hand he was smiling. Excuse me, I asked, why are you happy this of all days? Because, he says, across the street I literally live on is a gay bar. Is that what one looks like?, I ask. Its not whats on the outside, he says; hear that beautiful music that comes out? It comes out every day and every night. How could I not be happy soaking this up?
I tell you, son, if I could tell you, its whats on the inside that counts. I feel happy and I want everyone to be happy. I have seen with my own eyes that trickle down economics really works. Im switching from Deomcrat to Republican.
to Son
Of course youre not gay. Just happy to have a mother like me.
aside
Son, my son, I am sick of dressing like a walking window display. Why must I hang my hair in effigy every day?, I often ask myself. I am going to spend some time in a nudist colony. Its whats on the outside that doesnt count.
SON
Yes, very happy to have a mother like you.
MOM
I just want you to know I support your political activity.
SON
aside
I need to get out of here. Its like wherever I go, there you are. You might even give a big donation to the Log Cabin Republicans and then be a guest speaker at meetings. I wouldnt put it past you. That does it! Im becoming a Democrat.
to Mom
Bye. See you later.
MOM
Have a good time, Son.
END
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Ed Malin & Kathy Gerhardt