Hoochie mama

by Ed Malin

5/7/03

I need your help. Please. Because you’re smart about these kind of things.

Yes, she’s good looking but no I don’t think you should come to the wedding. Oh please don’t be offended. No one’s coming. Hello. You’re overreacting. No, Juan won’t be there. What? I said "No, Juan won’t be there." Juan. You remember him. My boyfriend. Yes you did meet him, you just choose not to remember. Juan and I are still together. June it’ll be 2 long years of twelve long inches.

Yes, I’m the one getting married. Well if you’d settle down I could explain.

No such luck. I’m still gay; gay as the 90s. She wants something only I can give her.

A green card. Right. She may be a contessa in her own country but she’s just another terrorist suspect here without my help.

That’s why I called you. How much should I try to get out of her for my services?

You do too know about these things. I know what you did back in the day, hoochie mama. Sorry. I’m sorry, Mom, I promise to stop calling you that.

• May 9, 2003 - No Shame New York
  

  Performed by Ed Malin
  

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