SHE
What is it about you–
HE
If I could explain–
SHE
That makes you say everything except what I want to know?
HE
Well do you have a better idea?
SHE
That person will jeopardize everything.
HE
He doesn’t have to know… "everything."
SHE
I’m not letting him within ten feet of me.
HE
OK. How will this impact your directing career exactly?
SHE
Maybe I won’t have one.
HE
Because you were going to go film in the Serengeti. With me.
SHE
I’ll make my own Serengeti with computer animation. Giant screen on the wall next to the crib.
HE
I can’t believe you don’t want to know who the father of your child is.
SHE
Not as badly as you do, apparently.
HE
He’s not such a bad doctor, kitten.
SHE
My best friend’s ex-husband is not shoving anything inside of me, OK?
HE
Fine, just trying to be helpful.
SHE
Well shut up then.
HE
Hey wait a minute. How are you going to take care of this baby?
SHE
I won the lottery.
HE
We did. It was my ticket.
SHE
I picked the number you dipshit. Because you have no self-confidence.
HE
You are making this so difficult.
SHE
I need chocolate.
unwraps and eats some
HE
Try and outsmart me? I know the due date, ya know. Working backwards, conception must have occurred March 21st, give or take a day.
SHE
So?
HE
So, I have a book on Pisces babies. Water signs conceived while floating on water will someday be good swimmers. It says right here.
SHE
It ain’t gonna be a Pisces you nimrod. Because it ain’t gonna be born until December.
HE
throwing away the book
We were on a cruise.
SHE
Down the river Nile.
HE
Up.
SHE
Excuse me?
HE
With the Nile, you don’t go down.
SHE
You are so controlling.
HE
We shared a cabin.
SHE
A suite.
HE
We shared a bed.
SHE
Only when I couldn’t help it.
HE
I’m your brother.
SHE
Maybe not. You have none of my cuteness.
HE
How did this happen, angel?
SHE
Cut the crap, now, stop it. Shit, if you didn’t call me angel and glowworm and sugarfingers my whole life then I wouldn’t be rebelling now.
HE
I don’t understand.
SHE
I have a million dollars a year and you’re still trying to take care of me. How am I ever going to get free of you unless I fuck my own life up first?
HE
I’m sure there was another way.
SHE
Killing you?
HE
It’s just, you had such potential.
SHE
I never said I was smart. I just said you’re stupid.
HE
Promise me that you’ll at least name the baby’s middle name after me.
SHE
OK, that’s a little improvement as symbiotic obsessiveness goes.
HE
I’m sorry when we were growing up I told you you’d die a virgin.
SHE
That’s all right. I knew you were talking about yourself.
HE
You’ll be such a good mother
SHE
Yeah. Unlike ours.
TOGETHER
Fuckin’ bitch!
They clasp hands in some cool secret handshake.
END
"You Cruise, You Lose" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"You Cruise, You Lose" debuted February 28, 2003, performed by Ed Malin and Kathy Gerhardt.
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