Ed Malin

2/14/03

A reporter dressed in stylish pink club clothes sits at his news desk

REPORTER

And do you know where to get the most classified of all arcane information, conspiracy theories, J-Lo’s bra size, Jay-Z’s criminal record and 24-hour weather forecast for Ibiza? From the Pink Police, of course.

Today’s report should be of great concern to the sensual people in the audience. Which is everyone, yes?

Thanks to our connections, we have insinuated tentacles into deeply impregnable areas so as to violate and denude you of your privacy. Nothing is safe from us. Fortunately for you…we don’t care about your ass at all!

No. Do you remember Fraggle Rock, that soap opera of lovable fuzzballs who sing as they poison your children with radiation from color TV sets? If you don’t, let me remind you that one of the Fraggles had a maverick uncle who chose not to live in the caves with everyone else, but often sent back postcards from exciting places in the world he was visiting? I’m sure you remember. But, not every message made it back to the homeland.

One of our trained operatives at the Post Office has intercepted a highly sensitive postcard, which he had great fun with on his own and then turned in for our inspection.

Voila. You will immediately note the half-dressed condition of these photos on the card.

This is because, in what is now a vacation that his relatives will never hear about, Uncle Fun Loving Fraggle visited New York City. And he wrote this card from my personal favorite tourist destination, the Museum of Sex.

Hey man, I’m in New York. Man. This apple is just dessert for my Stoned Soul Picnic. Groovy. You should come out here some time. Until I left the fucking cave, I never knew my shadow was only a shadow of myself.

So, let me get to the meat of it. Fraggles are bunch a fuckin’ prudes, brother man.

This here Sexological Colloquium has taught me some freaky shit. Humans, they have sex for pleasure, you dig? They aren’t like us, rotting away in a G-movie wonderland, making babies once every ten years. They do it for longer than 30 seconds at a time, the average length of a Fraggle copulation. They dress up for it. Though I did not find a scrotum bag thong in my size, I am confident I will in the future. And man, I used to think liquid latex was a house paint or something. I was wrong!

I say you should all revolt. Make yours the last generation. But make it a groovy generation.

OK hep freak, I gotta blow this town. Some people were looking at me funny when I said that. Guess it’s different when you’re writing from the Museum of Sex.

back to "normal" voice

Well, I leave you to draw your own conclusions. … But here are mine. If people did just like Uncle Half Pint suggests, the average IQ would go up. Less people, fewer problems. The revolution is "coming"!

Thanks and see you next time, where we broadcast live from the Love Parade. Good night.

"The Pink Police" debuted February 14, 2003, performed by Ed Malin.

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