copyright © 2003 Ed Malin

MICHAEL AND JORDAN

By Ed Malin

11 St. Felix St., #4F

Brooklyn, NY 11217

izanagi@hotmail.com

(917) 501-4503

 

Jordan, a woman of 29 and Michael, a man of 32 are sitting in an empty room. Michael is playing with a knife.

MICHAEL

Oh come on, please.

JORDAN

You freak me out sometimes.

MICHAEL

It’s such a little thing, asking you to save my life.

JORDAN

That’s not all you’re asking.

MICHAEL

Look, it won’t put you on your back for long. A few days.

JORDAN

A bone marrow transplant? I’ve got my career to think of.

MICHAEL

You’ll be back on your feet robbing banks again in no time, Jordan.

JORDAN

Michael! I don’t do hospitals.

MICHAEL

Christ. Not at a time like this.

JORDAN

They’re full of old, sick people. I live fast so I can die young and beautiful.

MICHAEL

If you want I can find some cute guys and break their legs. Put them in the hospital, too, to keep you company.

 

JORDAN

There are reasons I can’t.

MICHAEL

Tell them to me at my funeral.

JORDAN

They might recognize me. Or fingerprint me or something.

 

MICHAEL

Great. My sister for once doesn’t want to be the center of attention.

JORDAN

You’re making this very hard for me.

MICHAEL

I’m making it hard? Well excuse me for dying.

JORDAN

Why don’t you go ask another relative?

MICHAEL

That would be easier if you hadn’t killed Mom.

JORDAN

I thought you killed Mom.

MICHAEL

I killed Dad.

JORDAN

Oh that’s right.

MICHAEL

We could find a "private" doctor. You know, one of those guys wearing leather gloves, with a mansion on his own Caribbean island.

JORDAN

Oh, a "private" doctor.

MICHAEL

Just like in a James Bond movie.

JORDAN

Like Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend.

MICHAEL

Like Friends Are The Stones In My Kidneys.

JORDAN

Like Goldfinger.

MICHAEL

Like Buttraker.

JORDAN

How much’ll that run?

MICHAEL

Quite a lot.

JORDAN

Well which bank are you gonna rob to get that kind of dough?

MICHAEL

I thought you could spot me the money.

JORDAN

What are you crazy, Michael?

MICHAEL

Jordan!

JORDAN

I won’t.

MICHAEL

I’m in pain. If I went out there and got shot, maybe my blood wouldn’t coagulate.

JORDAN

Then go drink some antifreeze.

MICHAEL

You bitch. You’re a spineless bitch.

JORDAN

At least I’m not marrowless.

MICHAEL

I’ll kill you.

JORDAN

With that? Ha. You know I wear an armored sports bra.

MICHAEL

I’ll slice you open.

JORDAN

Then who will give you a transplant?

Silence for a moment

MICHAEL

I have something you want.

JORDAN

I’m rich. I’ll get it myself.

MICHAEL

taking a bag from his jacket pocket

You’ve never seen these before and you never will again.

JORDAN

grabbing the bag and opening it

Oh my god!

MICHAEL

Told you.

JORDAN

These are bonbons in the shape of Harrison Ford’s head.

MICHAEL

And to scale.

JORDAN

unwrapping a bonbon, or seeming to, and then eating it

Um…It’s filled with-

MICHAEL

smugly

-pop rocks.

JORDAN

Mmm this is amazing. How did you-

 

MICHAEL

Because I’m your family. I know every last thing you really want.

JORDAN

Oh Michael. Mike-e…

MICHAEL

There’s more where that came from. I had the mould made myself. Then I hid it in an untraceable location.

JORDAN

I’ll give you the money.

MICHAEL

And the marrow?

JORDAN

Well-

MICHAEL

I’ll have a tape of Patriot Games delivered to your surgery room and convalescence facility.

JORDAN

OK.

MICHAEL

Great. Now, shall we take your helicopter?

JORDAN

Where?

MICHAEL

To the boat to the private island.

JORDAN

You’re pushing it.

MICHAEL

Better hope I live, sis.

They exit.

"Michael and Jordan" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Michael and Jordan" debuted January 24, 2003, performed by Ed Malin and Elizabeth Zeldin.

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