MICHAEL AND JORDAN
By Ed Malin
11 St. Felix St., #4F
Brooklyn, NY 11217
izanagi@hotmail.com
(917) 501-4503
Jordan, a woman of 29 and Michael, a man of 32 are sitting in an empty room. Michael is playing with a knife.
MICHAEL
Oh come on, please.
JORDAN
You freak me out sometimes.
MICHAEL
Its such a little thing, asking you to save my life.
JORDAN
Thats not all youre asking.
MICHAEL
Look, it wont put you on your back for long. A few days.
JORDAN
A bone marrow transplant? Ive got my career to think of.
MICHAEL
Youll be back on your feet robbing banks again in no time, Jordan.
JORDAN
Michael! I dont do hospitals.
MICHAEL
Christ. Not at a time like this.
JORDAN
Theyre full of old, sick people. I live fast so I can die young and beautiful.
MICHAEL
If you want I can find some cute guys and break their legs. Put them in the hospital, too, to keep you company.
JORDAN
There are reasons I cant.
MICHAEL
Tell them to me at my funeral.
JORDAN
They might recognize me. Or fingerprint me or something.
MICHAEL
Great. My sister for once doesnt want to be the center of attention.
JORDAN
Youre making this very hard for me.
MICHAEL
Im making it hard? Well excuse me for dying.
JORDAN
Why dont you go ask another relative?
MICHAEL
That would be easier if you hadnt killed Mom.
JORDAN
I thought you killed Mom.
MICHAEL
I killed Dad.
JORDAN
Oh thats right.
MICHAEL
We could find a "private" doctor. You know, one of those guys wearing leather gloves, with a mansion on his own Caribbean island.
JORDAN
Oh, a "private" doctor.
MICHAEL
Just like in a James Bond movie.
JORDAN
Like Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend.
MICHAEL
Like Friends Are The Stones In My Kidneys.
JORDAN
Like Goldfinger.
MICHAEL
Like Buttraker.
JORDAN
How muchll that run?
MICHAEL
Quite a lot.
JORDAN
Well which bank are you gonna rob to get that kind of dough?
MICHAEL
I thought you could spot me the money.
JORDAN
What are you crazy, Michael?
MICHAEL
Jordan!
JORDAN
I wont.
MICHAEL
Im in pain. If I went out there and got shot, maybe my blood wouldnt coagulate.
JORDAN
Then go drink some antifreeze.
MICHAEL
You bitch. Youre a spineless bitch.
JORDAN
At least Im not marrowless.
MICHAEL
Ill kill you.
JORDAN
With that? Ha. You know I wear an armored sports bra.
MICHAEL
Ill slice you open.
JORDAN
Then who will give you a transplant?
Silence for a moment
MICHAEL
I have something you want.
JORDAN
Im rich. Ill get it myself.
MICHAEL
taking a bag from his jacket pocket
Youve never seen these before and you never will again.
JORDAN
grabbing the bag and opening it
Oh my god!
MICHAEL
Told you.
JORDAN
These are bonbons in the shape of Harrison Fords head.
MICHAEL
And to scale.
JORDAN
unwrapping a bonbon, or seeming to, and then eating it
Um Its filled with-
MICHAEL
smugly
-pop rocks.
JORDAN
Mmm this is amazing. How did you-
MICHAEL
Because Im your family. I know every last thing you really want.
JORDAN
Oh Michael. Mike-e
MICHAEL
Theres more where that came from. I had the mould made myself. Then I hid it in an untraceable location.
JORDAN
Ill give you the money.
MICHAEL
And the marrow?
JORDAN
Well-
MICHAEL
Ill have a tape of Patriot Games delivered to your surgery room and convalescence facility.
JORDAN
OK.
MICHAEL
Great. Now, shall we take your helicopter?
JORDAN
Where?
MICHAEL
To the boat to the private island.
JORDAN
Youre pushing it.
MICHAEL
Better hope I live, sis.
They exit.
"Michael and Jordan" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Michael and Jordan" debuted January 24, 2003, performed by Ed Malin and Elizabeth Zeldin.