copyright © 1986 Mark Lohman

Nelson Rockefeller is dead. I know Nelson Rockefeller. Nelson, "the richest man in the whole damn world" Rockefeller. I been to his house. The day I met him he was standin’ on the corner with some young suit guy, in the rain, with no umbrella. Old Nelson, Nelson I’m not a gonna get wet in the rain" Rockefeller, no he had an umbrella. But the suit guy didn’t. And he was getting wet. I pulled over and let them into my hack. They was goin’ to Rockefeller center, and I was gonna take ‘em there. And so I did. The conversation on the trip lead me to believe that the wet suit guy was applying for a job with ole Nelson, "I got this gigantic freakin’ building named after me " Rockefeller, but neither one of ‘em was interested in what I had to say. When I spoke up, Nelson, "Just a regular guy" Rockefeller would nod his head and say, "I see your point", or "I couldn’t have said it better myself." But wet suit guy was wound up too tight, and told me to mind my own business right there in front of Nelson, "my old friend" Rockefeller. But when we get to Rockefeller center, the young wet suit guy tries to impress ole Nelson, like I say, he’s lookin’ for a job. He pulls out a twenty and starts to hand it over sayin’ keep it. That’s a fourteen-dollar tip! But just as I go to grab the cash, Nelson, "the richest man in the world" Rockefeller grabs the twenty, pockets it and gives me exact change. Then this Nelson, "I got your twenty dollar tip" Rockefeller says to the wet suit guy, "you ain’t never gonna get rich thata way. And they walk off in the rain. You ain’t never gonna get rich thata way. Hrumph. Well neither am I. Well, I am just beside myself in anger. I start to plot and plan on how to get old Nelson, "you ain't never gonna get rich thata way" Rockefeller back and come to the realization he is the asshole, and not so much the wet suit guy. So I’m thinkin’ how to make an impression on an asshole, what’s the most important thing to an asshole? Paper. That’s it, toilet paper. Late that night I go to ole Nelson, "you ain’t never gonna get rich thata way’s" house, sneak in and steal all the toilet paper. When he gets up in the morning he goes to take a shit and bang, no paper. Me I always look to see if there’s paper first but Nelson ain’t never had to, all the servants and such waitin’ on him hand and foot all the time for whatever reason he don’t look, don’t see I got it all in my cab and he sits and can’t move. To vein, too stupid, probly don’t even know where they keep the extra. So any way, I can just see it, Nelson, "I ain’t got no toilet paper" Rockefeller hollers out but the house is big and nobody hears his cries for help and he dies, dies of starvation sittin’ on the shitter, waitin’ for me to bring him his toilet paper so he can go to work. That’s what happened and that’s the truth. That’s what I know about Nelson, "died in the bathroom covered in shit" Rockefeller. And even if it didn’t happen that way, you can still see the truth in it.


This reminds me, I have a photo of me performing in the very first noshame theater evening, standing in the back of todd's pickup. I'll try to track it down and send it to you if you have an interest in it.

I think it was [taken by] jenny hicks, she took the photo with a polaroid and gave it to cindy. I am pretty sure the photo was taken just before, or more probably right after I finished my monologue about nelson rockefeller. I am in the actual bed of the truck sitting on either a stool or the back of a bent wood chair. I remember three pieces of furniture, all painted black.

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