copyright © 1996 Adam "Bones" Libarkin

"Sesame Street, 90210" 3/10/95



COPYRIGHT 1996

ADAM "BONES" LIBARKIN

REGISTERED WITH THE WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA, EAST





INT.LIVING ROOM.1/1

(DYLAN, KELLY, DONNA, ANNOUNCER V.O.)



Cast members of "Beverly Hills, 90210" confront both serious and childish problems with the same overly dramatic attitude. DYLan is sitting alone at a table with a bottle of pills. He is contemplating drug use. There is a knock at the door.



DYLAN:

Come in! (KELLY ENTERS)



KELLY:

Dylan, I need your help. I can't think of a word that begins with the letter "Q".



DYLAN:

Why don't you ask your new boyfriend, Kel.



KELLY:

I'm too embarrassed.



DYLAN:

Why did you leave me for him anyway?



KELLY:

I just had to find out why they call him Big Bird. (she notices the drugs.) What's this, Dylan? Are you getting back into drugs?



DYLAN:

None of your damn business. What do you care anyway?



KELLY:

How many do you plan to take?



DYLAN:

Five. (he counts them out SLOWLY AS HE shows THE TV audience.) One . . . Two . . . Three . . . Four . . . Five.



KELLY:

You always were a good counter Dylan. That's what first attracted me to you. But you can't start taking drugs again. Where do you keep getting them from anyway?



DYLAN:

I told you already! Snufalupagus!



KELLY:

He doesn't exist, Dylan!



DYLAN:

He left just before you got here Kel! How could you have missed a brown furry elephant leaving my house?! (there's a knock at the door.) Come in! (Donna enters.)



DONNA:

Hi! Like, what's going on?



KELLY:

Dylan was just getting back into drugs.



DONNA:

Oh my God! Don't do it, Dylan. You'll end up green and living in a garbage can like Oscar.



DYLAN:

It's not that easy to stop, Donna.



DONNA:

It is, Dylan. (she approaches him and takes the bottle of pills from him.) All you have to do is take the bottle and close it. (she demonstrates to audience.) Open . . . Closed . . . Open . . . Closed . . . Abierto . . . Cerrado.



DYLAN:

Just stop it! Stop trying to run my life. It's not like I'm turning into the cookie monster with his constant case of the munchies and psychotic episodes.



KELLY:

We just care about you Dylan. What are those pills anyway?



DYLAN:

They're Queludes. Hey! Wait a minute! Queludes begins with the letter "Q".



KELLY:

It does! Oh, Dylan, thank you. I have to go now. There's a gay basher on campus and Brandon's holding a meeting to decide what to do about it.



DYLAN:

Was anyone we know hurt?



KELLY:

Yes . . . Bert and Ernie were jumped behind the athletic building. They stole Ernie's rubber duckie and they pulled off Bert's nose and reattached it to his forehead.



DYLAN:

Those bastards!



KELLY:

I have to leave now. Are you sure you'll be okay?



DYLAN:

Just leave!



KELLY:

(CRYING) Bye Donna.



DONNA:

You still care about her, don't you Dylan?



DYLAN:

Of course I care.



DONNA:

Then fight for her. It's only Big Bird.



DYLAN:

The guy is eight feet tall, Donna! It's not like I'd be fighting that skinny wuss Grover.



DONNA:

So you're saying Big Bird is big and Grover is little. (she demonstrates using hand signals) Big . . . little . . . big . . . little . . . grande . . . pequeno.



DYLAN:

I'm not going to fight him.



DONNA:

Well, okay. Look, if you want to take something, take this. (she pulls out a tylenol but drops it on the table with the other pills.) Oh no!



DYLAN:

Damn it Donna! You dropped your aspirin in my Queludes. Now I've got to find it!



DONNA:

(CRYING) I'm sorry, Dylan!



DYLAN:

Just get out of here! (she exits, crying.) How can I find the one pill that's an aspirin? Which one of these is not like the others?! Which one of these just doesn't belong?!



ANNOUNCER V.O.:

This episode of "Sesame Street, 90210" has been brought to you by the number five, the letter "Q", and PFLAG, parents and friends of lesbians and gays.





END

"Sesame Street, 90210" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Sesame Street, 90210" debuted March 10, 1995.

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