copyright © 2002 Jeff Lenhart

The Coolest Squirrel in Bittle Bittle By Jeff Lenhart

Characters:

 

Samantha---Friend of Trecusto, The Articulent Rodent, a.k.a. The Coolest Squirrel in Bittle, Bittle

Billy---Friend of Trecusto, The Articulent Rodent, a.k.a. The Coolest Squirrel in Bittle, Bittle

Trecusto---The Articulent Rodent, a.k.a. The Coolest Squirrel in Bittle Bittle

Mecustanai---Trecusto’s Sled Dog

Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling---Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling, the FOE!

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Samantha: Look how beautiful the trees are today! And look how beautiful the sunset is. And that sunset over there. And that sunset on the other side. And the other sunset. And the sunset by the trees. Wait, where’s the last sun? Oh, I can never find the sun by the trees cause it’s behind the big sun.

Billy: Yes, indeed, there sure are a lot of beautiful sunsets. When do you think Trecusto will arrive?

Samantha: He is returning from the Large Load of Laundry with his sled dog, Mecustanai, so I expect him soon. My goodness I hope he didn’t encounter any Static Cling. That is the worst enemy in Large Load of Laundry.

Billy: Oh, no, if I know Trecusto, he would have plenty of Fabric Softener with him.

Samantha: That’s reassuring! I don’t know what I would do if Static Cling got Trecusto! And poor little Mecustanai. Mecustanai is the funniest little sled dog, even though he can’t pull a sled, the poor bastard!

Billy: Don’t worry, Sillyhead! (Pause) Trecusto is the Coolest Squirrel in Bittle Bittle! And Mecustanai is one tough little sled dog even though he can’t pull a sled, the poor little bastard!

Samantha: Oh, Billy! You’re the best!

Billy: Yeah, but I’m not the Coolest Squirrel in Bittle Bittle!!

 

 

(Suddenly, entering the forest, smoking a cigarette, is the Coolest Squirrel in Bittle Bittle. Yes, indeed, Trecusto has returned unharmed from Large Load of Laundry. And he is singing his theme Song, "The Coolest Squirrel in Bittle Bittle")

Trecusto: "I’m the Coolest Squirrel (Mecustanai: "Coolest Squirrel! Coolest Squirrel" ) in Bittle Bittle. I play the guitar, not the Fiddle Fiddle" cause I’m the Coolest Squirrel(Mecustanai: "Coolest Squirrel! Coolest Squirrel!) in Bittle Bittle" It might be friction, It might be fraction, but it aint cool unless there’s action. I’m the Coolest Squirrel (Mecustanai: Coolest Squirrel! Coolest Squirrel!) in Bittle Bittle. You might be purple you might be green but I don’t like you if you’re real mean. Cause I’m the Coolest Squirrel (Mecustanai: Coolest Squirrel!!! Coolest Squirrel!!!) In Bittle Bittle

Trecusto: Hello, Friends! It is good to see you again. I have just returned from Large Load of Laundry. The journey was extraordinarily dangerous. There was a slight risk of Bleach Damage, but thanks to my Fabric Softener, and the fact that I cleaned the filter first, I was able to economically fight the Static Cling. Shikka Shikka Clicka! That’s the sound of me fighting the Static Cling! Shikka Shikka Clicka! That’s the sound of me fighting Bleach Damage!

Samantha: Oh, thank goodness! I was so scared. Last year, my Grandma was attacked by the Static Cling, and her underwear stuck on the back of her sweater.

Trecusto: Why on earth would a sweater wear underwear?

Mecustanai: Yeah, Yeah, why! Uh, huh!

Billy: Oh, Trecusto!!!

Samantha: I know that was just the point! Everyone knows that sweaters hate to wear underwear!

Trecusto: Come now. We must investigate!!!

Samantha: Investigate what?

Billy: Yeah, investigate what?

Trecusto: Oh, Goodle, Goodle, Flumkin!!!!!!! Shikka Shikka Clikka! I can’t believe you didn’t notice. Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling!!!!!!! Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling!!!!! What is going on with that?

Mecustanai: With that!

Samantha: Oh, my goodness!!!! I hadn’t noticed. Wow! We can’t have Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling. That is just wrong!

Billy: Double wrong!

Trecusto: Triple wrong!!!!

Samantha: What are we going to do? Maybe we can use a CLEANING SOLVENT!

Trecusto: No, that is just what the Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling is expecting. We have to surprise it.

Billy: Surprise it?

Trecusto: Yes, we are going to surprise the Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling. Now, what do you think Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling would least expect?

Mecustanai: Least expect!

Samantha: What?

Billy: What what?

Trecusto: I said what would Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling expect the very least.

Samantha: To be hit on the head with a brick?

Trecusto: No, my little friend. Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling is constantly hit on the head with a brick. It would not be surprised by that at all.

Mecustanai: That at all!

Billy: How about a nana and a cow’s half moo.

Trecusto: Interesting. What do you mean?

Billy: Well, Chocolate Milk might suspect a nana, especially if its peeled. Yes, it could! But, Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling would never expect a half moo from a cow.

Trecusto: Go on. What is a half moo from a cow

Billy: Well, a cow has to do a full moo. Have you ever heard a cow say, "mmmmmm."

No, they always do a full moo. MOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOO! They never say MMMM(cut off OOOOOOOO).

Trecusto: You might be on to something here!

Mecustanai: something here!

Samantha: Do you think we can beat Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling, Trecusto.

Trecusto: Samantha, By God, we will!

Samantha: Last year, Trecusto, last year, last year, my Grandma fought Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling and she lost one of her arms to Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling’s great powers!

Trecusto: Oh my goodness, how did that happen.

Samantha: Well, she just did. She should have used a nana and a half moo of a cow. (Sadly) I realize that, now.

Trecusto: Not everyone knew that then. Good job, Billy. Now let’s roll.

Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling: Hello, I am Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling. What is going on with that?

Trecusto: OK, Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling. I’ll tell you what is going on with you. Prepare to be banished to the Land of 409.

Mecustanai: Yeah, 409!

Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling: Yeah, right. You must like one arm because that is about what you’re about to have.

Trecusto: Ok, guys let’s give him the old Macy Gray

Everyone: "I try to say goodbye and I choke. Try to walk away and I stumble. Favorite elephants name is Dumbo. I blow bubbles when you’re not with me!!!"

Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling: It’s going to take a lot more than That. I can even listen to Alanis Morissette without puking.

Trecusto: OH YEAH? Well, take this. (HOLDS UP NANA)

Mecustanai: (Utters a million half moos from a cow)MMM MMM MMM MMM…..

Chocolate Milk on the Ceiling: Oh, that’s just great! A nana and half moos of a cow!!!! (Dies)

Trecusto: I am the Coolest Squirrel in Bittle Bittle!!! Shikka shikka Clickka!!!!

Samantha: You are!

Billy: Yes, you are!!!!

Trecusto: (Walks out to the Coolest Squirrel in Bittle Bittle Theme Song)

"I’m the Coolest Squirrel (Mecustanai: "Coolest Squirrel! Coolest Squirrel" ) in Bittle Bittle. I play the guitar, not the Fiddle Fiddle" cause I’m the Coolest Squirrel(Mecustanai: "Coolest Squirrel! Coolest Squirrel!) in Bittle Bittle" It might be friction, It might be fraction, but it aint cool unless there’s action. I’m the Coolest Squirrel (Mecustanai: Coolest Squirrel! Coolest Squirrel!) in Bittle Bittle. You might be purple you might be green but I don’t like you if you’re real mean. Cause I’m the Coolest Squirrel (Mecustanai: Coolest Squirrel!!! Coolest Squirrel!!!) In Bittle Bittle

END

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