An Actual Attempt to Woo a Mate From the No Shame Audience

By Arlen Lawson

Who is apparently attempting to woo a mate (319)354-9374

Arlen delivers his part MONOLOGUE-STYLE!!!!! Barry and Manilow run on from offstage to deliver their parts. Arlen will give you more direction before the show. Same with Doctor and Barry.

Arlen: Do you find me attractive? This is not a call and response. Do you dig me? Would you make sexual babies with me? Sexually? If the answer is yes, I will give you a high five, and that high five is reserved especially for best of buddies. And that’s you and me: Best of Buddies. Bosom buddies, except you got all the bosoms and I got all the buddies. Sexually.

Barry: I find you attractive. Your sadness is making me find you very attractive.

Manilow: Oh, Barry. I will only hurt you. I hurt everybody.

Barry: This must be emotional torture for you and only makes me love you even more.

Manilow: No, I mean, like, really. I have a fickle nature and what I love one moment I can’t stand the next. And this hurts people, like you, who fall in love for longer periods.

Barry: God, I have such a boner!

Arlen: If the answer is no, my new question to you is "Why not?" You know! ‘Cause that sucks! And what can I do that would make you want to have sexual babies with me? Maybe you desire that I be more physically attractive? No problem! I am currently working on a diet, The Eat Anything You Want, But Vomit Immediately After Every Meal Diet, it’s called. And soon I will be thin and sexual.

Barry: Oh, Doctor, why does it burn when I urinate?

Doctor: It burns when you urinate because you have been given a sexually transmitted disease.

Barry: But how can you know that without running any tests? I want a second opinion.

Doctor: Alright, my second opinion is that you are a lousy lay.

Barry: Ouch. (pause) My penis.

Arlen: Do you think I should be more funnier? Neither is this a problem. I have recently "purchased" this book of 101 Bigoted Jokes(the book Arlen presents is the Holy Bible), sure to make me the life of any party, if life means comedy riot, that is. For this is an instance of that comedy.

"How many blacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

This joke is a call and response.

"God I hate blacks! They are both lazy and stupid!"

Manilow: Isn’t the moon pretty and stuff tonight?

Barry: Yes, it is, but not as pretty and stuff as you. Would you, and I am to believe that of course you would, marry me?

Manilow: I’m afraid that I can not, as I have recently fallen in love with the moon, which you not a moment ago agreed was beautiful.

Barry: This makes me sad mostly because I will never be able to appreciate the moon again.

Arlen: If you like a total smarty, it is not to worry either. I have sent away for a set of Encyclopedias, and two Internets, you know, so that I can learn. And three pairs of glasses. I will cut my hair and brush my teeth. Tonight I have brushed my hair and cut my teeth. And I have burned my warts away with Salicylic acid. Figuratively and literally. We were made for each other, baby. We were made to make sexual babies.

Jamal: I was made to dance!!!! (Jamal dances, continues)

Arlen: You were made smart and pretty. You look like a flapper. If I’ve ever told you that you looked like a flapper, chances are I wanted to have sexual intercourse with you right there, but was afraid that your bos might get mad. This is a true story.

Jamal: Tell another joke!

Arlen: A Jew walks into a bar! Jews are greedy, hook-nosed, and responsible for the death of Jesus Christ.

Jamal: Ha! Ha! Ha! Awesome!