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By The Power of HERNIA!
By
Kehry Lane and Christafer Sobbing
(LIGHTS UP. As lights rise, an empty chair is placed to one side of the stage. The priest enters from opposite side of the stage and approaches Mother, who is standing near the middle.)
Priest:
Madam, I am the man you sent for…
Mother:
Father Ivan?
Priest:
Yes. That is me… Is the afflicted girl in the house?
Mother:
Yes father… (He looks expectantly at her, waiting. She just looks at him. He gets a little uncomfortable.)
Priest:
Well?
Mother:
No the plumbing is modern…
Priest:
No… I meant… Nevermind… Where is the possessed girl?
Mother:
Oh! Follow me Padre Ivan.
Priest:
Of course….
LIGHTS DOWN
to the count of three, then LIGHTS UPMother:
Here she is Papa… (Daughter (Kehry) is sitting in the chair now… Groaning. The mute (Kurt) (I love the Fantastiks) stands back watching)
Daughter:
C is for cookie… That’s good enough for me… (Repeating)
Priest:
My GOD!
Mother:
You can’t take the Lord’s name in vain Daddy.
Daughter:
Cookie cookie cookie starts with C…
Priest:
Listen you miserable whelp! Do you, or do you not want this done?
Mother:
But vati…
Priest:
No! Do you talk to God? Do you have to put up with sniveling "You can’t say that…" or "You can’t do that…" comments? Do you have to wear one of these stupid collars? Do you have to put communion wafers on slimy tongues or fat old ladys who wink at you seductively?! Do you have to abstain from sex for YOUR – ENTIRE – LIFE?!?!
Mother:
No…
Priest:
That’s right! So I think I have the authority to take the Lord’s name in vain when I damn well feel like it!!!
Mother:
Ok Ok Ok!
Priest:
Jesus Christ!
Daughter:
Bring back Bert and Ernie! What’s wrong with an alternative lifestyle? Cookie Cookie Cookie!
Priest:
Well…
Mother:
Now we have modern…
Priest:
LET’S BEGIN! Now evil spirit reveal your name to me!
Daughter:
We are legion… Which means definitely more than one! Which means likely to be several… A very great number of persons or things, like demons or sesame street residents. But not in reference to the Roman army unit.
Priest:
I understand.
Daughter:
Lots and lots and lots of very bad things. Sooooooooo many.
Priest:
I think the joke is dead now…
(The daughter starts to struggle, looking as if she (he) may vomit. Then the mute character (Kurt) steps forward and makes a deck of playing cards flip from behind Daughter’s head to create a "purging" effect.)
Mother:
Icky!
Daughter:
I had a tummy ache.
Priest:
(Monotone) Eww.. Gross… It’s pea soup… Warm pea soup…
Daughter:
Well… You know we can’t potential damage the space.
Priest:
Don’t break character damn you! (Kehry murmurs to himself, gives Chris the Italian chin flick) NOW SATAN! LEAVE THIS GIRL!
Mother:
(Pleasantly) Yes Satan leave.
Daughter:
(Spice Girlish) If you wanna be my lover… You gotta get with my friends…
Priest:
No! It’s the pop idol demon! SATAN LEAVE! You are a VERY UNIVITED GUEST!
Mother:
Yes. Uninvited.. Very rude.
Daughter:
I’ll show you my power! Grrrr (The mute begins to levitate Daughter) I’m going to levitate… Grrrrr.. Maybe…. Ok… Anytime now… There… I levitate by the power of hernia! (Mute (Kurt) lifts Daughter (That’s Kehry.. In case you’re confused) but he drops Daughter. She (That’s Kehry remember) groans.)
Priest:
The demon is weakening!
Mother:
Oh good.
Daughter:
I’ll throw this chair at you! (Looks at Kurt) You can do that can’t you! (Kurt begins to go for the chair)
Priest:
Wait! (The priest hands Kurt (Oh yeah.. The mute character) some money… He looks at it and walks away)
Mother:
Who was that masked man?
Daughter:
Poopy!
Priest:
It’s cursing! That’s a good sign!
Daughter:
Poopy poopy poopy poopy!
Priest:
How do we have to force you out?! I command you give me the answer!
Daughter:
No! NEVER!!!
Priest:
YES! I command by the power of GOD!
Mother:
(Interrupting) Is anyone thirsty? Tea? (The priest and daughter look at her confused… Then go on.)
Daughter:
Continue…
Priest:
mmm.. yes.. Back to it (Both lower their heads to prepare to get back into character) (Mumbling) Actor body… actor body…
Daughter:
Umm… NO NEVER!
Priest:
YES! I command by the power of GOD!
Daughter:
You could beat my head into the floor. Perhaps jam a freshly sharpened pencil in my ear…or even make me watch Keanu Reeves movies… ah.. but tickling definitely won’t work! No.. No tickling! That is not the way to do it!
Priest:
Wait… It’s reverse psychology! Tickle her! (Mother and priest do so. She giggles and shouts "That tickles!" like the Tickle Me Elmo.)
Daughter:
Noooooooooo!
(LIGHTS DOWN to count of three. "Noooooo!" slowly changes to a really woman’s voice (Sheila) and then LIGHTS UP!)
(Daughter (Sheila) now sits in the chair, or wherever Daughter (Kehry) last was…)
Mother:
She’s back.
Priest:
Well everything seems to be back to normal.
Daughter (Sheila):
Go make me some food… Bitch!
Mother:
Yes perfectly normal… Thank you.
FINIS
"By The Power of Hernia!" debuted November 5th , 1999. Cast – Christafer Sobbing (Priest), Kehry Lane (Possessed Daughter), Robin Shepard (Mother), Kurt Morgan (Mute) and Sheila Franklin ("Normal" Daughter)
The audience reaction was overall very good. One person (Aprile Clarke) expressed a dislike for the Mother character because she was to undeveloped. I agree, I could have spent more time making her a real character. Other than that, the piece was very well received. Especially the playing card barf.
"By The Power of HERNIA!" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
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