A. Attention, all you young ladies out there from a religiously repressed third world country. Those young ladies who are expected, no not expected, DEMANDED, to be virgins on their wedding day. Listen up ladies! We know that some of you are not as innocent as you appear to be under those black robes and veils. We know some of you are dreading that wedding day that your folks have arranged for you. But ladies take heart! We have a solution for you! FEMCO has a new product called Cherry Mender! Yes! This new product restores your virginity so that you can face your future domineering, chauvinistic husband without fear of being beheaded! Cherry Mender comes complete with hymen repair kit, pain reducing formula and a vial of chicken blood that will leave a lovely stain on those white sheets. You can hang those sheets in the window with pride, no one will ever know the truth! Just listen to this testimonial from one of our many satisfied customers:

C. My name is Ayatola Fatima Hussien Arrafat Musharif. I came to the United States to go to college. I promised my parents that I would be good, but I met a man and, well, you know how it is in American colleges; parties, sex, alcohol…I just couldn’t resist. But by the time I graduated my parents already had a husband picked out for me! I panicked! If my husband and family found out I wasn’t a virgin, they would have killed me. Cherry Mender saved my life. I bought it for my wedding night and it worked perfectly! I screamed with pain, there was blood everywhere and my husband was so proud of me! Thank you FEMCO. Without you I wouldn’t be here.

A. So you see ladies, Cherry Mender really can save your life. Available, in America, at drugstores everywhere. As for you ladies in the Middle East, just go on down to your local U.S. military base, coming soon to an area near you. Cherry Mender…Buy it!