I: AND NOW WE HAVE A RARE TREAT. I’M SURE YOU ALL REMEMBER RUBY JAMES THE FANOUS VAUDVILLE ENTERTAINER. SHE HAS COME OUT OF RETIREMENT AND AGREED TO AN EXCLUSIVE GECKO INTERVIEW. PLEASE GIVE RUBY A BIG HAND.

(Ruby enters to applause.)

I: SO, RUBY JAMES! I CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO BE HERE ON STAGE WITH A STAR OF YOUR CALIBER. TELL ME,HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ON STAGE AGAIN?

R: WELL, IT WOULD FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER IF THIS STAGE WAS SOMWHERE BESIDES HERE IN… WHERE THE HELL ARE WE ANYWAY?

I: CUTLER RIDGE.

R: NEVER HEARD OF IT. BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU… THIS JOINT DOES REMIND ME OF SOME OF THE OLD THEATRES I USED TO PERFORM IN… THE ONES WITH NO HEAT IN WINTER, AND OF COURSE THERE WAS NO AIR CONDITIONING THEN. SOME OF THE DRESSING ROOMS WERE NOTHING MORE THAN A SPOT IN THE BOILER ROOM. MOST TIMNES WE DIDN’T HAVE A PLACE TO REHEARSE. SO WE’D REHEARSE ON THE ROOFS OF HOTELS WE STAYED IN. TIN ROOFS IN THE SUMMER IN NEW YORK. MUSTA BEEN 120 DEGREES UP THERE SOMETIMES. IT WAS MURDER.

I: WHY WOULD ANYONE PUT THEMSELVES THROUGH THAT?

R: WELL, EVERYONE WAS LOOKING FOR THE BIG BREAK. YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA BE RICH AND FAMOUS. YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE SOME OF THE ACTS IN THOSE DAYS.

I: LIKE WHAT?

R: WELL, MY FAVORITE WAS THE DIVING HORSE…

I: DIVING HORSE??

R: YEAH. THE GUY HAD THIS WINCH CONTRAPTION WITH A PULLEY. HE’D HOIST THAT POOR HORSE ONTO A PLATFORM. THEN, REAL QUICK, SO NO ONE COULD SEE, THEY’D SHOVE A CATTLE PROD UP THE HORSE’S ASS, AND HE’D JUMP RIGHT OFF THE PLATFORM, INTO THE WATER.

I: YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!!! PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAID TO SEE THIS???

R: PEOPLE LOVED IT. LINED UP FOR MILES. THE GUY RETIRED AFTER ONE SEASON.

I: WAS ALL THE ENTERTAINMENT THAT… UNUSUSAL??

R: IT STARTED OUT THAT WAY. ALL KINDS OF WEIRD STUFF. THEN IT EVOLVED INTO A VARIETY SHOW. YOU HAD DANCERS, MAGICIANS, ACROBATS, TRICK CYCLISTS, JUGGLERS, YOU NAME IT. ANIMAL ROUTINES. HATED THOSE. YOU ALWAYS HAD TO WATCH WHERE YOU WERE STEPPING. THEN THERE WERE THE OPERA STARS. HATED THEM TOO.

I: REALLY! OPERA STARS! I CANT IMAGINE OPERA STARS AS PART OF VAUDVILLE! AND YOU SAY YOU HATED THEM. WHY?

R: DAMN OPERA SINGERS… VOCALIZING ALL NIGHT LONG (IMITATES OPERA SINGER SINGING SCALE… LA,LA LA , LA). THAT CARUSO, HE WAS THE WORST. WHENEVER HE STAYED IN THE SAME HOTEL, FORGET ABOUT SLEEP.

I: ENRICO CARUSO STARTED OUT IN VAUDVILLE??

R: YOU BETCHA! AUDIENCES LOVED THE OPERA SINGERS. THEY FIGURED THEY WERE GETTING HIGH-CLASS ENTERTAINMENT FOR LOW-CLASS PRICE. THEN THERE WERE THE VENTRILOQUISTS–VENTS WE CALLED THEM–THEY WERE SPOOKY. YOU’D BE HEARING VOICES BACKSTAGE, THE VENTS, THEY WERE FOREVER TALKING TO ONE OF THOSE STUPID DUMMIES. HA! STUPID DUMMY, I GUESS THAT’S REDUNDANT! ANYWAY, I PLAYED A HELLUVA TRICK ON ONE OF THOSE VENTS. YOU KNOW THAT BIT THEY DO WHERE THEY DRINK A GLASS OF WATER AND THE DUMMY JUST KEEPS ON TALKIN’? WELL I REPLACED THE WATER IN THE GLASS WITH 100 PROOF MOONSHINE!

I: OH MY GOSH! WHAT HAPPENED?

R: WELL, BY THE TIME HE REACHED THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS, THAT DUMMY WAS SPEAKING IN TONGUES.

I: WEREN’T YOU AFRAID HE WOULD COME AFTER YOU WHEN THE SHOW WAS OVER?

R: HELL, NO. HE PASSED OUT COLD AFTER THE SHOW, WHEN HE WOKE UP HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.

I: YOU MUST HAVE MET A LOT OF FAMOUS STARS THAT TOURED THE VAUDVILLE CIRCUIT. CAN YOU TELL US A BIT ABOUT THAT?

R: YEAH, SURE. YOU NAME ‘EM, I PERFORMED WITH THEM… ALL THE GREATS, GEORGE BURNS, FRED ALLEN, WILL ROGERS, WC FIELDS… YOU KNOW, I COULDA MARRIED GEORGE BURNS. WE WERE AN ITEM!

I: REALLY! I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!

R: YEAH. THEN THAT GRACIE ALLEN CAME ALONG… SHE STOLE HIM FROM ME.

I: WOW, I HAD NO IDEA!

R: YEAH, THAT SWEET, DUMB, INNOCENT ACT SHE PUTS ON? DON’T BELIEVE IT! SHE’S A SHREW! YOU KNOW, GEORGE WAS NEVER REALLY HAPPY WITH HER.

I: BUT THEY WERE MARRIED FOR FORTY YEARS!

R: YEAH, FORTY MISERABLE YEARS! YOU DON’T KNOW.

I: HMMMM… SO WHAT ULTIMATELY HAPPENED TO YOUR VAUDVILLE CAREER?

R: DAMN MOVIES CAME ALONG, RUINED EVERYTHING. SOME MADE IT INTO THE MOVIES, OR LEGITIMATE THEATER. SOME DIDN’T.

I: WEL, RUBY JAMES, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR STORY WITH US. AND NOW, GECKO DRIVE MOVES ONTO…