Personal Perversions

By

Clinton A. Johnston

 

Bruce

 

Hey.

 

Frank

 

Yeah?

 

Bruce

 

Hey, what's the most perverted thing you ever done?

 

Frank

 

Me?

 

Bruce

 

Yeah.

 

Frank

 

I'm not gonna' tell you.

 

Bruce

 

Why not?

 

Frank

 

Why not?  Because I'm not, that's why not.

 

Bruce

 

Aw come on, tell me.

 

Frank

 

No.

 

Bruce

 

Why not?

 

Frank

 

Because it's perverted that's why not.

 

Bruce

 

I know it's perverted.  I was asking about perverted.

 

Frank

 

Yeah, okay but this is really perverted.

 

Bruce

 

It couldn't be that perverted.

 

Frank

 

It's really perverted.

 

Bruce

 

Yeah but it couldn't be—

 

Frank

 

It's really perverted.

 

Bruce

 

[Pause]

Really?

 

Frank

 

Really.

 

Bruce

 

[Beat, then not believing]

So perverted you can't tell me.

 

Frank

 

So perverted that I'm doing you a favor by not telling you.

 

Bruce

 

Doing me a favor?

 

Frank

 

Yeah, 'cause you couldn't handle it.  You couldn't handle me telling you, and I couldn't handle me telling you.  I could barely handle doin' it.

 

Bruce

 

Really?

 

Frank

 

Yeah, really.

 

Bruce

 

Wow ... it's that perverted?

 

Frank

 

What is this?  Why are you asking all this stuff anyway?

 

Bruce

 

Oh, I don't know—

 

Frank

 

You got something that you wanna' say.

 

Bruce

 

Who me?

 

Frank

 

Whaddya' mean, "Who me?"  What is that?  Suddenly you're Woodsy the Owl.  Yeah, you!  You went and did something perverted and you wanna' no if it was too perverted, right?

 

Bruce

 

Well—

 

Frank

 

Huh?

 

Bruce

 

Well—

 

Frank

 

Right?

 

Bruce

 

Uh—

 

Frank

 

Right?

 

Bruce

 

You see—

 

Frank

 

I knew it.  [Beat]  Well, don't worry. 

 

Bruce

 

Don't worry?

 

Frank

 

[Almost dismissing]

Yeah, what you did?  It's not that perverted.

 

Bruce

 

Wait, how do you know?

 

Frank

 

Well, what was it?

 

Bruce

 

Well you see I—

 

Frank

 

Yeah, that's nothin'.

 

Bruce

 

That's nothin'?

 

Frank

 

Yeah.

 

Bruce

 

Well how do you know?

 

Frank

 

'Cause you're about to bust out and tell me.  Really perverted, you don't say, you don't own up to.  It drives inta' ya'.  It sends you into confession in five different Cathedrals.  You're like, comparison shoppin' only you don't if you're looking for more lenient or the most stringent or just someone to make the images stop and oh great, now you got me thinking of it again.  Thanks a lot. God! 

[Exits]

 

Bruce

 

[Long Pause]

 

Well, I feel better ... I feel a lot better ... a lot better - 'cause I am able to take solace in my friend's misery ... Yep ... God that is so perverted!

[Back to being disgusted with himself.  Exit the other way.]

 

[Blackout, end]