The Curse of the Po-Mo Pyramid

By

Clinton A. Johnston

 

First performed at

No Shame Theater Charlottesville

1/30/04

 

Setting

 

The interior of a newly discovered pyramid, in the desert, 100 miles outside of Cairo.

 

Characters

 

Eric …………… a guy who’s discovered the pyramid and is friends with Clinton

Clinton …………a guy who’s discovered the pyramid and is friends with Eric

 

[This piece was done for the All-Flashlight No Shame.  The only light in the piece comes from the flashlights the characters carry.  If scripts are in hands, treat them as if they are maps.  Each character has his own map.  Genders can be switched at will.]

 

[From offstage]

 

Eric

 

Hey, I think it’s down this way.

 

Clinton

 

No, it’s over here.

 

[Beat]

 

Wow, would you look at the hieroglyphics on these walls!  We need to take the next passage to the right.

 

Eric

 

To the left.

 

Clinton

 

No, it’s the right, and watch out for that stone.

 

Eric

 

What stone?  There’re no stones here.  It’s a clean passage[Bump!]

 

Clinton

 

[Enter]

See?  It’s a crumbling tomb.  There’s rubble all over on the floor … like New Jersey.

 

Eric

 

[Enter limping for a moment.  Delivered flat.  Not amused.]

Rubble all over the floor.  How could I have missed it?

 

[Checks map]

 

C’mon, the tomb’s over to the right.

 

Clinton

 

[Without looking at his map.]

Nope.  It’s to the left.

 

Eric

 

[Miffed]

Okay, it’s to the left.

 

Clinton

 

Wow, would you look at this chamber!

 

Eric

 

Chamber?  [Looks at map]  We should be in a low passage way.

 

Clinton

 

No, it’s chamber with high, vaulted ceilings, and great columns.

 

Eric

 

We’re in a previously unknown pyramid that’s been submerged under the Egyptian sands for hundreds of years.  There are no high vaulting ceilings.

 

Clinton

 

What are you, the Pyramid Police?  You gonna’ make me pay King Solomon’s Fine?

 

Eric

 

What?

 

Clinton

 

What?

 

Eric

 

Make you pay what?

 

Clinton

 

King Solomon’s … it’s a reference … to the movie with Humphrey Bog—

 

Eric

 

I know the reference.  It just doesn’t make any sense.

 

Clinton

 

What do you mean?

 

Eric

 

King Solomon’s Mine is set in Central America, and it’s not about a pyramid, it’s about a mine!  We’re 100 miles outside of Cairo in a pyramid in the desert looking for ancient treasure.  Would you stop jumping around so much!

 

Clinton

 

Okay!  Okay!  Geez.

 

Eric

 

[Checking map]

Alright, now this passage curves to the east.

 

Clinton

 

Nope, to the west.

 

Eric

 

No, it’s to the east.

 

Clinton

 

Mm-mm, west.

 

Eric

 

West?  Let me see.

 

[Looks at Clinton’s map.]

 

This is a map of Poughkeepsie!

 

Clinton

 

Yeah, isn’t that weird?

 

Eric

 

No, it’s not weird.  It’s stupid!  What are you doing with a map of Poughkeepsie?

 

Clinton

 

[To audience member]

Could’ve been worse.  Could’ve been a map of New Jersey.

 

Eric

 

Who are you talking to!?!

 

Clinton

 

What?  No one.

 

Eric

 

You’re talking to the audience again, aren’t you?

 

Clinton

 

Wha-no!

 

Eric

 

Okay, that’s it!  Stop it!

 

Clinton

 

I don’t know what you’re—

 

Eric

 

Stop with your bad pop culture references, your absurd little plot elements, your damn New Jersey jokes – you’re trying to be all hip and Po-Mo, and it’s gotta’ stop! 

 

Clinton

 

Why?  It’s nice to shake things up once and a while.  I mean, do you wanna’ be running around in a nice, traditional, hunting-for-the-pharaoh’s-curse story?

 

Eric

 

Yes.  Yes, I do.  I like those stories.  A nice, basic adventure story is nice.  Nothing beats it.

 

Clinton

 

No, no.  You see.  Everything beats it, ‘cause it’s been beaten to death.  You’ve got to change the old ways, throw things in, make ‘em swing.

 

Eric

 

“Make ‘em swing”!?!  Do you even hear yourself?  That’s slang from like, 50 years ago!  Okay?  You don’t know what you’re talking about.  You’re never gonna’ be on Road Rules or The Real World or whatever little hip, current fantasy is running in your head, because the fact is you’re not hip, you’re out of it!  I mean, talking to the audience, how played out is that?

 

Clinton

 

Hey, man.  Change is the lifeblood of life!

 

Eric

 

Change for change’s sake is pointless, and I don’t wanna’ do pointless.  So, here’s what we’re gonna’ do.  We’re use my map.  We’re gonna’ go down this clean, low passageway that curves to the East.  We’re not going to break the Fourth Wall.  We’re not going to talk to audiences that only you can see.  We’re going to have a nice, simple, basic Egyptian Mummy adventure story where we find the treasure and you get killed.

 

[Starts off]

 

Clinton

 

What?

 

[Stops him]

 

Wait!  What?  I get killed?

 

Eric

 

Yeah.

 

Clinton

 

How come I get killed?

 

Eric

 

‘Cause you’re the Black one.  That’s the way these stories go.

 

Clinton

 

Well, that’s not the way my stories go.

 

Eric

 

Well, then maybe it’s about time I took over.

 

[Flips script over.]

 

Oh, my!  Isn’t this a lovely day in Cancun.  Boy those beach honey’s are nice.

 

Clinton

 

[Looking at his script.]

Hey, wait.  I didn’t write that line.

 

Eric

 

[Reaching over as if the other’s script is a tray of drinks and taking a drink off.]

 

Oh, thank you, my good man.  [Takes a sip.]  Mmm.  Mai tais.

 

Clinton

 

Oh, this is just ridiculous!  I mean, you don’t even justify the flashlights.

 

Eric

 

[To someone offstage.]

What was that my dear?  You’ve dropped your earring into your bathing suit and you can’t find it?  Sure I can help … No, it’s okay.  I’ve got a flashlight.

 

[Exits]

 

Clinton

 

Oh, that’s great.  That’s really nice.  Eric!  Hey, Eric!

 

[Exit following.]