The Death of Sarcasm
(Pharmacist Agent II)
Clinton A. Johnston
A CVS with a pharmacy in back.
Wallace a pharmacist who is secretly an in-field contact for secret agents
Customer an insistent guy in to get a prescription filled
The Agent a secret agent trying to get some plans
[Wallace is in the US window talking on the phone. In front of him, on the windowsill, are an apple and a banana. A Customer with a prescription in his hand wanders the aisles.]
Yes, I brought the lunch you packed.
Yes, its delightful. Truly you are the best girlfriend in the world.
Yes, were busy. [Theyre not.] Many, many people picking up prescriptions this morning. Gave somebody some crack just 20 minutes ago.
Yes, that was a joke.
[Customer walks up with prescription.]
Excuse me, Madeleine. How may I help you, sir?
I need this filled.
[Looks at the prescription.]
Okay, that should just take a few minutes. [Hands it off to unseen, Jane.] Jane.
[Customer turns and goes back to wander the aisles.]
[Back to the phone.]
Hmm? Yes, Madeleine, Jane is here.
Because she works here, Madeleine.
Well, I suppose she could, but I dont want her to work anywhere else.
Yes, Madeleine, were having a torrid affair behind your back.
[Enter Agent, looking around, casing the place.]
No, Madeleine, that wasnt a joke. It was sarcasm.
No, its not quite the same thing.
Well, I dont quite know the difference, exactly. Excuse me, dear. [To Agent] How may help you, sir?
Do you have any foot powder?
Madeleine, Ill have to call you back, okay? Okay. Okay. Love you. Bye. [Hangs up.] Im sorry could you repeat that?
Do you have any foot powder?
Are you having problems with your feet?
Yes. Theyre turning yellow.
[Beat and then its all business.]
Good morning, agent. [To unseen Jane] Jane, yellow.
[Pulls out a manila folder and starts to take papers our of it and show the agent.]
These are assault plans for the Indianapolis headquarters. This is a Code Yellow base, so youll probably need a team of 5 10 ops
[Customer comes up. Wallace and Agent immediately take "Nothing special going on here" poses. They do this every time Customer interrupts.]
Hows that prescription coming?
It should be ready in just a minute, sir.
[Customer turns around.]
[Right back in business mode.]
5 10 ops. Do you have people you can trust?
I have a team.
Make sure theyre good. Intel puts this facility with external infrared cameras
Excuse me, my prescription?
Almost done, sir.
[Customer turns around, and its right back to Agent.]
External infrared cameras, guard dogs
Excuse me. How do you know when itll be ready, when youre not even working on it?
My assistant is working on it, sir.
[Customer turns around, and its back to Agent]
guard dogs, Austrian Dober
You know, I do have places I have to go.
I would hope so, sir.
[Customer turns around and then turns right back to Wallace and Agent. They have to do a this pose/that pose double take in response.]
Im sure, sir.
[Another quick turn. Agent is getting more and more pissed.]
Im getting my tires rotated at ten o clock.
Well, that is important, sir. Well have to make sure you make that appointment.
Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?
No, actually its sacra
Look, youre being helped, okay? Now, can I get back to my business here?
[Customers turns to face away. Behind his back, a whole bunch of stuff goes down. Customer gets signal from audience plant to turn back three times. The third time, Customer interrupts wherever he is in the below speech with his End Line.]
Hey, if someones getting helped in this store, its not me. I tell you, Ive been in drug stores all over the tri-state area. Im talking free-standing, in malls, attached to supermarkets, chains, mom and pop, you name it. And I dont think Ive ever been so rudely treated. Its not a hard job, man. Some one gives you a prescription, you fill it out. Its not rocket science.
Its the problem everyone has in this country. No pride for their work anymore. Its just slack here and slack there. Do what you can to get by. I mean, all Im asking is a little dispatch, a friendly word, something to make the customer feel valued. Thats what a service economy is all about! Its what separated us from the Russians that and overwhelming nuclear superiority. Now, it seems like everythings going to pot, going to pot in the greatest country in the world. Whats wrong? You tired of being a citizen of the best country ever? Tired of having the best consumer economy around? Tired of an honest days work for an honest days pay?
Well, all I can say is, thank God, for your sake youre not dealing with something important, like my health! I mean, thank God this isnt like a life or death situation. God forbid that I should actually need that medicine now, or I might just die here on the spot while play around with your teachers pet customers.
[End Line without turning around:] Hey, do you have any foot powder?
[Customers turns to face away. Behind his back, while he talks, Agent gets fed up look on his face and draws his gun on the Customer.
Wallace, a little frantic ("Oh, shit! Hes going to shoot one of my customers!) gives him a silent, "No!"
Agent gives back an annoyed silent, "Why not?"
Wallace gives back an insistent, "You cant!"
Agent ignores Wallace and prepares to shoot. Wallace reaches through the window and grabs agent. They both struggle.
Taking cues from an audience plant, Customer turns twice on Agent and Wallaces struggle. Each time, Agent and Wallace immediately freeze and hide the gun.
After the second time, Wallace gets the gun from Agent and immediately shifts it to his opposite hand while picking up the banana with his now free hand.
Agent spins around, open palm strikes Wallace, and quickly takes the banana.
Agent turns and draws the banana on customer and only then realizes that its not a gun.
Customer turns and says, "No thank, you" in the middle of his rant and then turns away.
Agent turns upstage to a smug Wallace and throws the banana to Wallace.
Wallace instinctively drops the gun to catch the banana.
Agent catches the gun. Now hes smug. He deliberately draws on the Customer. ("This time, you die.")
Customer (signaled by plant) gives his last line, "Hey, do you have any foot powder?"]
[Agent and Wallace freeze in shock. They look at each other.]
Umm are you having problems with your feet?
Yes, theyre turning yellow!
[Agent and Wallace exchange shocked looks.]
Did you say, "yellow"?
[Even more sarcastically]
Yeah, yellow, red and gold!
Red and gold!
This cant be happening.
Yeah, and pink polka dots too! Look, you got the foot powder or not?
[Customer turns and sees Agent with gun. They bump into each other and agent shoot himself. Agent falls down dead. Wallace comes out from behind the window.]
Oh, my God, I just
Shot and killed a highly trained assassin. [Beat] You must be a pretty deadly man.
[Flatly. Still in shock]
I sell shoes.
Hm. Probably not for much longer. [Wallace starts to walk Customer back.] Come on back; Im sure your prescriptions ready by now. Say, have you ever considered the rewarding field of international espionage?
Wait, but what about him?
Best not to think of him. Anyway, if I told you any more about him, Id have to kill you.
Is that a joke?
[Exit Wallace and Customer]
[Blackout.]"The Death of Sarcasm (Pharmacist Agent II)" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Death of Sarcasm (Pharmacist Agent II)" debuted October 11, 2002, performed by Greg Hays, Sean Nitchmann, and Trent Westbrook.