copyright © 2002 Clinton A. Johnston

Double Dealer

By

Clinton A. Johnston

 

Characters

 

Wallace – a non-threatening looking pharmacist

Madeleine – a slight paranoid schizophrenic; Wallace’s girlfriend

Aspirin  Customer – a customer (Male or Female) looking for aspirin deals

Prescription Customer – a customer (M/F) needing a prescription filled

Random Customer – a customer (M/F) who decides to come back later

The Agent – a secret agent (M/F) on the run

 

US = upstage; DS = downstage; SR = stage right; SL = stage left

 

Setting

 

[In a CVS drugstore by the prescription counter, Wallace stands behind an US window working.  DS there are various drugs on seats or benches or tables representing the aisles.  Aspirin Customer and Prescription Customer are browsing the aisles.]

 

 

Aspirin Customer

 

[Goes US to Wallace at the window.]

Excuse me, is all your aspirin on sale?

 

Wallace

 

No, just the generic brand.

 

Aspirin Customer

 

Which one’s the generic?

 

Wallace

 

Well, you’ve heard of Bayer Aspirin?

 

Aspirin Customer

 

Uh-huh.

 

Wallace

 

Excedrin?

 

Aspirin Customer

 

Yeah.

 

Wallace

 

Buffrin?

 

Aspirin Customer

 

Uh-huh.

 

Wallace

 

It’s not one of those.

 

Aspirin Customer

 

Oh.  Okay, thanks.

 

[Aspirin Customer goes back to searching the aisles.  Enter Madeleine from SR in sunglasses with her head covered.  She conspicuously lurks around US watching Wallace.]

 

[Prescription Customer goes up to counter with prescription in hand.]

 

Wallace

 

Yes, may I help you?

 

Prescription Customer

 

Yeah, I’ve got this prescription, I need filled.  [Gives prescription to Wallace.]

 

Wallace

 

[Takes prescription and looks at it.]

Alright.  Should take about five minutes.  [To offstage assistant, handing her prescription.]  Jane.

 

[Prescription Customer goes back to wander the aisles.]

 

Aspirin Customer

 

[Takes Tylenol and goes to US window.]

Excuse me, is this on sale?

 

Wallace

 

No.  Only the generic aspirin is on sale.  Tylenol is a brand-name, non-aspirin pain-reliever.

 

Aspirin Customer

 

Oh.

 

[Aspirin Customer goes back DS to the aisles.] 

 

[Wallace looks at Madeleine.  Madeleine turns away.  Wallace doesn’t recognize her yet.]

 

Wallace

 

[Takes out prescription bag.]

Thank you, Jane.  [To Prescription Customer.] Ma’am [or “Sir”]?  I have your prescription. 

 

[Prescription Customer comes and gets prescription.]

 

[Madeleine gives an audible stifled sob.  She draws Wallace’s attention for a moment.]

 

 

Wallace

 

Do you have an insurance card?

 

[Prescription Customer nods]

 

Wallace

 

Fine show it to Cathy at the register.

 

[Prescription Customer exits SR]

 

[Madeleine gives a louder stifled sob.  Of course, Wallace hears this too.]

 

Wallace

 

Madeleine?  Madeleine is that you?

 

[Madeleine uncovers.]

 

Madeleine

 

[Frought and melodramatic.]

Yes, yes Wallace.  It’s me.

 

Wallace

 

Madeleine why are you dressed like that?  What are you doing here?

 

Madeleine

 

I just had to see, Wallace.  I had to see the truth, the awful truth!

 

Wallace

 

The truth about what?  [Aspirin Customer comes back with ibuprofen.]  No, Ma’am[or “Sir”] that’s ibuprofen.  Only the aspirin is on sale.

 

[Aspirin Customer goes back to looking in the aisles.]

 

Madeleine

 

The truth about what you do!  When I heard where you worked–

 

Wallace

 

What about where I work?

 

[Enter Random Customer from SR who browses the aisles.]

 

Madeleine

 

I just never imagined …

 

Wallace

 

What, that we’d try to push the generic products?

 

Madeleine

 

So, you admit it?

 

Wallace

 

No Madeleine, I honestly don’t know what we’re talking about yet.

 

Madeleine

 

You admit that you’re a … a … a pusher … the Man … a drug dealer!

 

[Beat maybe, if you feel it.]

 

Wallace

 

Madeleine, I’m a pharmacist.

 

Madeleine

 

You’re not even ashamed!

 

[Aspirin Customer comes back holding up some Certs.]

 

Aspirin Customer

 

Hey—

 

Wallace

 

No, those are breath fresheners, Ma’am[Sir].  You want aspirin, as-prin!

 

[Aspirin Customer goes back to looking in aisles.]

 

[Enter Agent from SR entrance.  Non-chalantly goes looking in aisles.]

 

Madeleine

 

[Wallace says, “Madeleine” all throughout this ramble, but Madeleine ignores him.]

 

[Spoken quickly and most of it is more to herself than to Wallace.]

I should have known.  I should have known you were too good to be true.  I mean you’re sensitive.  You cook.  You like nice movies.  You listen to me.  Nobody ever listens to me.  You look in my eyes when I talk to you, except when you think I’m not looking and even that’s a little cute, ‘cause at least I know you’re not gay.  At least, I think you’re not gay.  Oh my God, you’re not gay are you?  Don’t tell me you’re gay too!

 

[Aspirin Customer, Random Customer, and Agent all look at Wallace.  Wallace waves and says a silent, “Hi.”  All customers look away.]

 

[Random Customer exits SR.]

 

Oh, I should have known.  I should have known you were leading this double life!

 

Wallace

 

Alright.  Just wait right there.

 

[Comes out from behind the counter, through SR door.  Aspirin Customer approaches with cold medicine.]

 

Yes, fine.  That’s on sale.  Cathy will ring you up.  [Aspirin Customer exits SR]

 

[To Madeleine] 

Now Madeleine.  [Tries to comfort her.]

 

Madeleine

 

Don’t touch me you drug dealer!

 

Wallace

 

[Takes her hands.]

Madeleine, Madeleine, calm down.  I’m not leading a double life.  I’m a licensed pharmacist at CVS.  The drugs we sell are prescribed by doctors.  Our mark-up may be criminal, but there’s nothing illegal going on here.  What’s more, you’ve known about this for months, haven’t you? 

 

Madeleine

 

[A little calmer.]

I have?

 

Wallace

 

Yes, you have.  You’ve even dropped me off at work.  Now, look at me, Madeleine.  Did you take your pills today?

 

[Shakes her head.]

 

No?  Did you take your pills yesterday?

 

[Looks down ashamed.]

 

Okay, see we’ve talked about this before. Remember when you found my socks in your washing and thought I was having an affair with someone at the Laundromat?  [Starts to lead her off.]  Now, I want you to go home and take your pills, and you’ll start to see that I’m not sneaking around behind your back; there’s no secret life; I’m not too good to be true; and you deserve to be happy in a relationship for once.  Okay? 

 

Madeleine

 

Okay.  Will I see you later?

 

Wallace

 

I’ll come by after work.  Goodbye.

 

Madeleine

 

Goodbye.

 

[Madeleine exits SR. Wallace goes back through SR door to the window.  Agent approaches the window.]

 

Wallace

 

Yes sir, how may I help you?

 

Agent

 

Is cough syrup on sale?

 

Wallace

 

Do you have a cough?

 

Agent

 

No, I have appendicitis.

 

[Beat.  The following lines are in natural tones, business-like and quick.]

 

Wallace

 

What do you need, agent?

 

Agent

 

I need to get out of the country in 24 hours.

 

Wallace

 

Have you been compromised?

 

Agent

 

No, just my escape route.

 

Wallace

 

I see.  [Hands him manila envelope.]  This envelope contains train tickets from here to Toronto and plane tickets from Toronto to Paris.  There’s a diplomatic pouch, a passport, and an up-to-date French visa that allows you a 3 month stay as an Archeology student.  You’ll also find a Walther P99 with no serial numbers and two full magazines of 15 9mm bullets.  If you step back here, Jane will take your picture.

 

Agent

 

Thanks.

 

[Wallace goes to let him in.  They meet at the door and pause looking at each other for a moment.]

 

Wallace

 

Yes?

 

[Beat]

 

Agent

 

Was that really your girlfriend?

 

[Beat.]

 

Wallace

 

We all court danger in our own ways, agent.

 

[Agent gives an “I suppose so” shrug and exits through the door with Wallace.]

 

[Blackout.]

 

[Fin]

 

 

Prop List

 

Small piece of white paper (prescription)

Small bag for prescription drugs

1 bottle of Tylenol

1 bottle of ibuprofen

1 roll of Certs breath mints

1 bottle of cough syrup

A couple of other drugs

1 bulky manila envelope

 

"Double Dealer" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Double Dealer" debuted July 12, 2002, performed by Clinton Johnston, Greg Hay, Leeyanne Moore, Trent Westbrook and Cecilia Charre.

Performed at Best of No Shame on October 10 & 11, 2002.


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