Clinton A. Johnston
Wallace – a non-threatening looking pharmacist
Madeleine – a slight paranoid schizophrenic; Wallace’s girlfriend
Aspirin Customer – a customer (Male or Female) looking for aspirin deals
Prescription Customer – a customer (M/F) needing a prescription filled
Random Customer – a customer (M/F) who decides to come back later
The Agent – a secret agent (M/F) on the run
US = upstage; DS = downstage; SR = stage right; SL = stage left
[In a CVS drugstore by the prescription counter, Wallace stands behind an US window working. DS there are various drugs on seats or benches or tables representing the aisles. Aspirin Customer and Prescription Customer are browsing the aisles.]
[Goes US to Wallace at the window.]
Excuse me, is all your aspirin on sale?
No, just the generic brand.
Which one’s the generic?
Well, you’ve heard of Bayer Aspirin?
It’s not one of those.
Oh. Okay, thanks.
[Aspirin Customer goes back to searching the aisles. Enter Madeleine from SR in sunglasses with her head covered. She conspicuously lurks around US watching Wallace.]
[Prescription Customer goes up to counter with prescription in hand.]
Yes, may I help you?
Yeah, I’ve got this prescription, I need filled. [Gives prescription to Wallace.]
[Takes prescription and looks at it.]
Alright. Should take about five minutes. [To offstage assistant, handing her prescription.] Jane.
[Takes Tylenol and goes to US window.]
Excuse me, is this on sale?
No. Only the generic aspirin is on sale. Tylenol is a brand-name, non-aspirin pain-reliever.
[Aspirin Customer goes back DS to the aisles.]
[Wallace looks at Madeleine. Madeleine turns away. Wallace doesn’t recognize her yet.]
[Takes out prescription bag.]
Thank you, Jane. [To Prescription Customer.] Ma’am [or “Sir”]? I have your prescription.
[Prescription Customer comes and gets prescription.]
[Madeleine gives an audible stifled sob. She draws Wallace’s attention for a moment.]
Do you have an insurance card?
[Prescription Customer nods]
Fine show it to Cathy at the register.
[Prescription Customer exits SR]
[Madeleine gives a louder stifled sob. Of course, Wallace hears this too.]
Madeleine? Madeleine is that you?
[Frought and melodramatic.]
Yes, yes Wallace. It’s me.
Madeleine why are you dressed like that? What are you doing here?
I just had to see, Wallace. I had to see the truth, the awful truth!
The truth about what? [Aspirin Customer comes back with ibuprofen.] No, Ma’am[or “Sir”] that’s ibuprofen. Only the aspirin is on sale.
[Aspirin Customer goes back to looking in the aisles.]
The truth about what you do! When I heard where you worked–
What about where I work?
[Enter Random Customer from SR who browses the aisles.]
I just never imagined …
What, that we’d try to push the generic products?
So, you admit it?
No Madeleine, I honestly don’t know what we’re talking about yet.
You admit that you’re a … a … a pusher … the Man … a drug dealer!
[Beat maybe, if you feel it.]
Madeleine, I’m a pharmacist.
You’re not even ashamed!
[Aspirin Customer comes back holding up some Certs.]
No, those are breath fresheners, Ma’am[Sir]. You want aspirin, as-prin!
[Aspirin Customer goes back to looking in aisles.]
[Enter Agent from SR entrance. Non-chalantly goes looking in aisles.]
[Wallace says, “Madeleine” all throughout this ramble, but Madeleine ignores him.]
[Spoken quickly and most of it is more to herself than to Wallace.]
I should have known. I should have known you were too good to be true. I mean you’re sensitive. You cook. You like nice movies. You listen to me. Nobody ever listens to me. You look in my eyes when I talk to you, except when you think I’m not looking and even that’s a little cute, ‘cause at least I know you’re not gay. At least, I think you’re not gay. Oh my God, you’re not gay are you? Don’t tell me you’re gay too!
[Aspirin Customer, Random Customer, and Agent all look at Wallace. Wallace waves and says a silent, “Hi.” All customers look away.]
[Random Customer exits SR.]
Oh, I should have known. I should have known you were leading this double life!
Alright. Just wait right there.
[Comes out from behind the counter, through SR door. Aspirin Customer approaches with cold medicine.]
Yes, fine. That’s on sale. Cathy will ring you up. [Aspirin Customer exits SR]
Now Madeleine. [Tries to comfort her.]
Don’t touch me you drug dealer!
[Takes her hands.]
Madeleine, Madeleine, calm down. I’m not leading a double life. I’m a licensed pharmacist at CVS. The drugs we sell are prescribed by doctors. Our mark-up may be criminal, but there’s nothing illegal going on here. What’s more, you’ve known about this for months, haven’t you?
[A little calmer.]
Yes, you have. You’ve even dropped me off at work. Now, look at me, Madeleine. Did you take your pills today?
[Shakes her head.]
No? Did you take your pills yesterday?
[Looks down ashamed.]
Okay, see we’ve talked about this before. Remember when you found my socks in your washing and thought I was having an affair with someone at the Laundromat? [Starts to lead her off.] Now, I want you to go home and take your pills, and you’ll start to see that I’m not sneaking around behind your back; there’s no secret life; I’m not too good to be true; and you deserve to be happy in a relationship for once. Okay?
Okay. Will I see you later?
I’ll come by after work. Goodbye.
[Madeleine exits SR. Wallace goes back through SR door to the window. Agent approaches the window.]
Yes sir, how may I help you?
Is cough syrup on sale?
Do you have a cough?
No, I have appendicitis.
[Beat. The following lines are in natural tones, business-like and quick.]
What do you need, agent?
I need to get out of the country in 24 hours.
Have you been compromised?
No, just my escape route.
I see. [Hands him manila envelope.] This envelope contains train tickets from here to Toronto and plane tickets from Toronto to Paris. There’s a diplomatic pouch, a passport, and an up-to-date French visa that allows you a 3 month stay as an Archeology student. You’ll also find a Walther P99 with no serial numbers and two full magazines of 15 9mm bullets. If you step back here, Jane will take your picture.
[Wallace goes to let him in. They meet at the door and pause looking at each other for a moment.]
Was that really your girlfriend?
We all court danger in our own ways, agent.
[Agent gives an “I suppose so” shrug and exits through the door with Wallace.]
Small piece of white paper (prescription)
Small bag for prescription drugs
1 bottle of Tylenol
1 bottle of ibuprofen
1 roll of Certs breath mints
1 bottle of cough syrup
A couple of other drugs
1 bulky manila envelope
"Double Dealer" debuted July 12, 2002, performed by Clinton Johnston, Greg Hay, Leeyanne Moore, Trent Westbrook and Cecilia Charre.
Performed at Best of No Shame on October 10 & 11, 2002.