Tracy

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the game show where your emotional distress is put to the test, Everything You Feel Is Wrong!

[Hold up Applause sign]

That’s right, it’s the game show where your insecurities and low self-esteem can win you big bucks … that is if you don’t mess it up like everything else in your life.

And now for your host, the man who puts the "fun" back in "dysfunctional", Chuck Wallaby!

[Hold up Applause sign]

Chuck

Thank you. Thank you. Hello, Tracy.

Tracy

Hello, Chuck.

Chuck

And hello to you ladies and gentlemen at home and here in our studio audience. Welcome back to another edition of Everything You Feel Is Wrong!, where contestants compete against each other to see who can beat themselves up the most. As always, I will ask our players a series of questions, and their answers will determine who goes home the big loser and who comes back next week as the even bigger loser! So, if we’re ready to begin, Tracy, let’s meet our contestants!

Tracy

Chuck, our first contestant is our challenger for this week. He comes from a strict Irish, Italian, and German Catholic upbringing. His parents divorced when he was ten and blamed the breakup on him. Currently, he’s an accountant in Beverly Hills even though he’s always wanted to be in the circus. Chuck, meet Skip Bachman!

[Hold up Applause sign]

Chuck

Skip, it’s nice to meet you.

Skip

Thank you, it’s good to be here, Chuck.

Chuck

Well, it’s nice to have you here. Tell me, how’re you feeling tonight?

Skip

I feel good, Chuck.

[Buzzer!]

Chuck

Oh, I’m sorry, Skip! That’s the wrong answer. We’ll take the question right over to our next player. Tracy!

Tracy

Chuck, our next contestant is our returning champion. After fifteen episodes, he’s built up over $10,000 in winnings, and, as always, if he loses tonight, he loses it all! Chuck, welcome back Howie Shumptle!

[Hold up Applause sign]

Chuck

Welcome back, Howie.

Howie

Hi, Chuck.

Chuck

Howie, Skip took a swing at the first question and blew it. Now, it goes to you. Are you ready for it?

Howie

I … I hope so.

Chuck

I hope so too, Howie. Here it is. Howie, how’re you feeling tonight?

Howie

Well … um … I was going to say I was feeling pretty good, but that’s what he said, so it’s probably wrong. So then I would say I was kind of scared, only maybe you expect that now ‘cause you think I’m going to say the opposite of what he said. So I really don’t know, but that’s not really an answer, is it? I mean … now I’m taking too long. Oh man, I’m really blowing this. I mean … could you repeat the question?

[Ding!]

Chuck

Well done, Howie. You take the first lead of the game with $100. Now, on to question #2. And this one is to Skip.

Skip, do you think our presentation of Tracy on this show is sexist?

Skip

Um … uh … maybe?

[Buzzer!]

Chuck

Nope. I’m sorry. That’s the wrong answer. Over to Howie. Howie, Tracy, you’ve seen her a bunch of times now. Is our presentation of her sexist?

Howie

Well … um … it’s probably just a manifestation of my own sexual repression …

[Ding!]

Chuck

That is the correct answer. We also would have accepted, "I guess so, but I don’t want to ruin everyone else’s fun." That’s another $100 for you, Howie bringing your total up to $200. Skip, you’re lagging behind with zero. And we’re on to question #4.

Skip

Wait a minute. You skipped one. We should be on question 3 now.

Chuck

Are you sure?

Skip

Uh … I guess not.

[Ding!]

Chuck

Well done, Skip! That’s $100 for you, and that puts you in the game! Howie, what happened? He caught you napping there?

Howie

Oh, I just assumed I had miscounted.

[Ding!]

Chuck

And Howie gets $50 for the bonus question.

[Siren!]

Whoops! That signals the end of the round. Tallying things up, we find our challenger, Skip with $100 and our old friend, Howie with $250. That means Howie is still our champion!

[Hold up Applause sign]

Skip, I’m sorry. You played a good game, but like so much of your life, it just wasn’t good enough. We’re going to take your hundred dollars and send you away with nothing else but our thanks and the feeling that you were a fool to try this in the first place. Good night, Skip!

[Hold up Applause sign]

Howie, once again you have won Round 1 of Everything You Feel is Wrong!, which means you’ve won the chance to go through our Lightning Round. Now, you know how this works, right?

[Howie nods his head.]

Good, but for our first time viewers, this is the way it goes. I’m going to give you a situation, and you give me as many answers as you can as to why your feelings about it are wrong. You have two minutes, and each right answer gives you $50. You ready?

Howie

Yes.

Chuck

Okay, here’s your situation: You’re at a party, and a friend says the U.S. should bomb Afghanistan into glass no matter how many civilians get killed. You feel that policy is blood-thirsty and immoral. In two minutes, give me as many reasons as you can why what you feel is wrong. Go!

Howie

I don’t want an angry mob to beat me up.

[Ding!]

I don’t want him to beat me up.

[Ding!]

Nobody else at the party is saying anything.

[Ding!]

This is a sign of my inability to take decisive action.

[Ding!]

He’s probably just reminding me of my father.

[Ding!]

He’s probably saying what I secretly believe but am too ashamed to say.

[Ding!]

We need to be unified as a country. There’s no room for dissent right now.

[Ding!]

To speak against vengeance is to disrespect the brave Americans who have already lost their lives.

[Ding!]

He’s probably some expert, government official who knows more about it than I ever will.

[Ding!]

And … And …

Chuck

Almost out of time …

Howie

… And I’m an American citizen. So I know as much about foreign relations and international current events as a kindergartener knows about atomic theory! Hell, I can’t even locate Afghanistan on a map much less defend it, so I should just keep my big mouth shut!

[Ding!]

[Hold up Applause sign]

Chuck

Very good! Very good! Tracy, how many was that?

Tracy

That was 10 right reasons, no wrong reasons, Chuck, for a total for $500!

[Hold up Applause sign]

Chuck

$500 at the end of the Lightning Round. Incredible. Unbelievable. Howie, that means, you walk away from tonight with $750. That makes your grand total, $11,150. Now, we come to where you’ve been 15 times before. You can either quit now and take your winnings or you can come back and put it all on the line next week. Whaddya’ think? And before you answer, next week, we dress up Tracy in skin-tight, red pleather and rouge her nipples.

Howie

I … uh … I think I’d better quit while I’m ahead. I mean, no offense Tracy. I’m sure your nipples will look really good and all that, but I’ve been really lucky up to now, and … and that luck’s gotta’ run out sometime. $11,000 is a lot of money, more money than I ever thought I would get. I could … I think should just quit right now.

Tracy

That’s a smart decision Howie, but tell us … how do you feel about what you’ve just said?

Howie

Oh, it’s probably wrong!

Chuck

That’s my boy! We’ll see you next week, and we hope to see you too on America’s favorite game show …

Chuck & Tracy

Everything You Feel is Wrong!

Chuck

Goodnight!