And Now A Word from Our Sponsor

Clinton A. Johnston

Characters

Voice — voice over the supermarket intercom

Man — shopper

Lady — shopper

Store Manager — man

Shoppers

Scene

[Lights up]

An aisle in a supermarket. People with carts slowly wander the aisle. "Who Will Buy?" from Oliver plays overhead. The music stops when the chimes ring.

Chimes.

Voice

Attention shoppers. This is your Super-Mart radio network reminding you that "We’ve got a lotta’ great things in store." [drastic change in tone.] So, buy stuff!

[The voice is now gruff and aggressive, almost yelling. Shoppers are instantly startled and may even quickly move on. People enter and exit, continuing to shop underneath this while remaining visibly disturbed and/or upset by what they are hearing.]

That’s right, you heard me! Buy stuff! Move your flabby, fat asses and buy stuff! We got stuff to buy, so buy stuff! I’m not here for my health and neither are you. You’re here to buy stuff! So stop dicking around and buy stuff! Hello! I don’t see you buying enough stuff! We got lots of stuff here people! We got a whole store of stuff that you could be buying right now! We got items on sale. We got items at reduced prices. We got fresh, hoity-toity foods made at the deli. We’ve got bread baked fresh this morning. Our meat department has real meat! We’ve got cute little plastic crap for your kids. We’ve got cute, little, crappy, plastic containers for you? Get it? We’ve got stuff you can put stuff in! We’ve got seasonal stuff! We’ve got magazines and books. We’ve got stuff in the aisles, stuff on top of the aisles, stuff at the checkout stand! Hey! Things are stuff all over! Buy more stuff! Buy stuff! Buy stuff! Buy stuff! Hey you!

[By now, everybody but the Man is gone.]

Man

[Stops. Looks up to the unseen announcer.]

What?

Voice

What’re you doing?

Man

Uh, I was just …

Voice

How come you’re talking to me, when you could be buying stuff?

Man

But I . . . I mean you . . .

Voice

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Blah, blah, blah.

My heart bleeds. Buy stuff!

[Exit Man]

[Enter and exit shoppers. Enter Lady]

That’s it! See Dickhead. See Dickhead buy stuff! See Dickhead put stuff in cart, give money to me, and get the hell out. The rest of you could be learning a lesson here. C’mon! You worked all week for what? So you can buy stuff. You got kids at home waiting for you to buy stuff. You’ve got husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives. We’ve got stuff. You need to get stuff to them! Hey, Lady!

Lady

[Startled.]

Ahh!

Voice

Yeah, you! You gonna’ buy that stuff or what?

Lady

[Speaks to the ceiling and the unseen announcer.]

Well, I was going to …

Voice

Enough of the going. Make with the buying!

Lady

Well, if you would give me a chance …

Voice

Do you see all the stuff around you? Do I have to draw you a picture?

Lady

I don’t think …

Voice

What about that pound cake?

Lady

What pound cake?

Voice

"What pound cake?" Right there, the pound cake!

Lady

What about it?

Voice

Why don’t you buy it?

Lady

Because I don’t want to.

Voice

[Pleading]

Buy the pound cake.

Lady

No.

Voice

C’mon, buy the pound cake.

Lady

It’s not on my list.

Voice

Be impulsive; buy the pound cake. Live the adventure; buy the pound cake.

Lady

I already have ice cream.

Voice

You can have it all; buy the pound cake.

Lady

I don’t think so.

Voice

What’s wrong with you and pound cake? What? Are you some kind of freak?

Lady

Well, I never …

Voice

Yeah right, you don’t get those thighs without having some pound cake! I mean, I can see from here you love you some pound cake!

Lady

I’d like to see your manager.

Voice

What’s the matter, Tubby? You want a taste test?

Lady

I’d like to see your manager!

Voice

I betcha’ he has pound cake.

Lady

Where’s your manager?

[Enter Manager]

Manager

Excuse me, ma’am, is there a problem?

Lady

Are you the manager?

Manager

Yes. Yes, I am. Is there something I can help you with?

Lady

Yes. I have never been … Your announcer is rude and pushy and badgering. I can’t imagine that any store would let that go on!

Voice

You know, while you’re sittin’ there yakkin’, you could be picking up that pound cake.

Manager

[To Voice]

Knock it off! [Back to Lady] Ma’am, I am terribly sorry that you experienced any discomfort.

Lady

Well, I just don’t see how you can let this happen. I mean, what kind of store lets their customers get bullied like that?

Manager

I know. I know. And you can be sure that we will take every step to remedy this situation. In meantime, I want to offer our sincere apology and regret that you were upset, and I want to assure you that we will do whatever we can to see that you don’t leave this store unhappy.

Lady

Well, that’s more like it.

Manager

Yes, ma’am. And you know what I find helps me when I’ve been upset — buying a little treat for myself — like some pound cake, for instance.

Lady

[Pause and then tight and cold]

I don’t want the pound cake.

Manager

Are you sure? It’s baked fresh.

Lady

I don’t want the pound cake.

Manager

It’s on special.

Lady

No.

Manager

It’s a Super Saver item.

Lady

No.

Manager

You get 30 cents off with your VIP card.

Lady

No! No! No! No!

[Beat]

Manager

It’s on sale for 20% off.

Lady

I can’t believe this …

Manager

30% off?

Lady

What is wrong with you people?

Manager

I can give you the Manager’s Discount. That’s 40% off.

Lady

Okay, read my lips … Did you say, "40% off"?

Manager

Yes.

Lady

You get 40% off?

Manager

That’s the Manager’s Discount.

[Suddenly, it’s the freshman schoolgirl overwhelmed by the popular senior.]

Lady

Wow. [Beat] That’s a really big discount. [Beat] I bet you get a lot of stuff with that discount.

Manager

Add into that the Manager’s salary …

Lady

Oh. Do Managers make a lot?

Manager

[Deliberately]

I’ve got all kinds of stuff.

Lady

Oh.

Manager

Do you have kids?

Lady

Yes.

Manager

I love kids.

Lady

Oh my.

Manager

Tell you what. Why don’t we meet here some time next week? We could go shopping for your kids … and get a whole lot of stuff.

Lady

[Backing away. She can’t take her eyes off the Manager.]

Yes. Okay. That would be nice. Umm … I guess I should go.

Manager

Bye now.

Lady

Bye.

Voice

Don’t forget the pound cake.

Lady

[Doesn’t think twice about it. Still looking at Manager]

Oh yeah.

[Absently picks up the pound cake]

Bye.

Manager

Bye.

[Exit Lady]

[Beat]

Voice

You get 40% off?

Manager

That’s what happens when you make the big sales, boy. Now get back to work.

[Exit Manager]

[Blackout]

"And Now A Word from Our Sponsor" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"And Now A Word from Our Sponsor" debuted August 17, 2001.

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