Tis Better
By
Clinton A. Johnston
Characters
Lee gift receiver
Leslie gift giver
[Nb: I suppose that either character could be either gender, but I have a hard time seeing women have this immature a conversation. Of course, that could be my bias, so I leave it up to you. caj ]
Leslie sits SL at a table reading or drinking or something rather calm. Lee storms in from SR with something small in his/her hand. It could be anything. The back and forth with these lines is rather fast (except where noted by pauses, beats, and ellipses) and agitated (These people fall into yelling at each other rather quickly.).
Lee
[Agitated. Pissed.]
What is this?
Leslie
What?
Lee
This!
Leslie
Its its that thing. You, know? That thing.
Lee
Yeah, but what is it? [Beat. Leslie shrugs.] Is this some kind of gift or something?
Leslie
Its that thing. You said you wanted it.
Lee
Whyd you give me a gift?
Leslie
[Still confused.]
I dont
Lee
Its not my birthday.
Leslie
Its not a birthday gift.
Lee
But its a gift.
Leslie
Yes. We passed by it. You said you wanted it. There you go.
Lee
Its July.
Leslie
Yeah. Do you want to return it?
Lee
You already gave me that other thing
Leslie
[Getting pissed now.]
Look, I know its not your birthday!
Lee
But you gave me a gift!
Leslie
Yes! We passed by it! We saw it! You said, "Ooo, I want that!" I made note of it! I got it! I gave it to you!
Lee
As a gift?
Leslie
As a gift!
Lee
Just for the hell of it?
Leslie
Just cause you wanted it!
[Pause.]
Lee
Dont do that!
Leslie
What?
Lee
You dont do that! You dont just give people gifts!
Leslie
Why not?
Lee
Its not Chanukah. Its not Christmas. Its not my anniversary. Its not Kwanzaa. Its not my birthday. Then, you give gifts. Those are "Gift Giving Days"!
Leslie
Oh! Oh, like I have to stick to some officially sanctioned Day of Giftness! Like I have to consult with the Giving Police! Like I have to listen to the candy companies and the toy companies and the card companies and the flower companies and the National Sales Index to tell me when Im supposed to boost quarterly earnings and give the people that I love a gift! Well, no sir! Its a gift! Its a present from my heart. I present it to you as a material token of your continual joyous place in my thoughts. And I dont have to wait until were in the over-scripted, over-produced, knee-jerk, communally recognized Bonding Zone to do it!
[Pause. Lee is incredulous.]
Lee
Yes you do! For Christs sake, yes you do! These practices that you toss off as the lemming-like mewlings of the habituated herd, by God, they are here for a reason! Fine, you give me a gift. What am I supposed to do now, huh? Do I get you a gift? Do I get you a gift now just because you got me a gift? Do I get you the same type of gift? What if your gift is more expensive than mine? Does that mean I love you less? How do we keep track? How do we budget? All these worries are spared us, why? Because we are a civilized society! Because we have rules and tradition and ritual to make sure that the fabric of our interactions remains strong and sturdy! But that doesnt work for you, does it? No, youre too good for the bonds and ties that keep us together, you with your over-romanticized views of individualism and your warped confusion of non-conformity with sincerity. You, you self-righteous, peevish, anarchistic putz, you would just go your own way and everyone else be damned! Well, I will not have you bring your culture-smashing chaos into our relationship!
[Slams the gift down in the middle of the table between them, and sits facing out. Now, both are pissed. They deliver the next lines without looking at each other.]
Leslie
[Pause. Pause.]
[A little chagrinned.]
I, uh I didnt know you felt that way. [Pause.] Im sorry.
[Beat]
Lee
Its okay.
[Pause]
Leslie
I can return it?
[Beat]
Lee
No. No, I like it. [Pause. Looks at the gift (not Leslie). Reaches out and picks it back up.] So this is a gift?
Leslie
Yeah.
[Beat]
Lee
Just because?
[Beat]
Leslie
Yeah.
[Pause.]
Lee
Its nice. [Beat. Beat. Brings gift to lap and looks back out.] Thank you.
[Beat]
Leslie
Youre welcome.
[Fin.]
"'Tis Better" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"'Tis Better" debuted June 22, 2001.