By

Eric Johnson

Hello.

Ott

'sup, man.

Do you think we should go to war with Iraq?

I dunno. You been watching American Idol?

...no.

There's this guy on it looks like an elf.

Yeah, but. I'm serious. Do you think we should go to war?

I told you I don't fuckin' know. Turn on Fox.

(panicked) Why??

You gotta see this guy.

Ott-- I'm not. I'm. I need. Don't you think there are more important things than American Idol?

Yeah, I do. But right now, I'm watching American Idol. Call Garvey if you wanna freak out about the war.

Garvey doesn’t give a shit.

Well, neither do I right now. I’m busy.

Okay. Sorry.

I’ll call you after the show. Suck it.

Ott hangs up. Harrington dials. Garvey, sleeping, picks up the phone.

'Lo?

Garv.

What?

Harrington.

Yeah, what?

Are you--. I'm sorry, did I wake you up at 8:00 at night?

Yeah. Fuck you want?

Ah. Nothin'. I wanted to talk about something but you're sleeping.

Well, I'm up now. What do you want? Are you high?

No.

Yeah? What are you doing?

I'm sitting here, and I'm thinking about the war. And I'm thinking that it's bullshit cuz how many people have to die... for oil? Cuz some oil guy is in the White House, whose personal interests happen to be in this one commodity, lots of innocent people have to die.

Yeah…

Yeah, so what do you think?

Did you call Ott?

No. Why?

Yeah, you did. Just admit it.

No, why–why can’t I just have called you first?

Cuz you didn’t. Are you high? You’re stoned.

No! Look! I’m calling to find out what you think about something and I want to hear what your thoughts are.

Sure. Uh, well. What you say sounds about right. Oil.

Right, the fucking oil.

Hold on. I have another call.

I didn’t hear the click.

New phone. Hold on.

Hello?

Did Harrington just call you?

Yeah.

Is he high?

I dunno. I am.

Yeah. You watchin’ American Idol?

Yeah man.

Why are you such a fag?

Is that what you called for?

No. Hold on.

Harrington. Ott here says that you just called him.

Oh man…

Is that true, Har? Did you just call me??

Goddammit. What does it matter who I called first?

It matters because I don’t like it when you lie to me.

It doesn’t matter. Guys, we are about to go to war and kill people–human beings–because our fucking president, who says that Jesus is his role model, says so. Because of a personal blood feud between him and Hussein!

Har--. Human beings die all the time, every day, for all kinds of meaningless reasons, and a lot of people die because Saddam Hussein is their ruler and we can expect that a certain number more will die because he continues to be in power. If innocent people is your standard, then the only thing that matters is whether more will die under scenario a or b. Even Jesus would be able to make that decision, if he had the numbers. Do you have the numbers?

No, but… that’s not an answer. Do you know what those numbers are either?

I swear to god. This guy looks just like an elf! And not like a real elf but a cartoon elf. It’s hard to believe that it’s a human skull inside that face.

It’s true!!

Garvey (overlapping)

That’s not what we’re laughing at.

A REAL elf??

Goddammit! Fuck you guys, I’m watching American Idol!

A real elf?

Look, man. I have 9 hours a day I spend at work. 2 hours a day I spend driving to and from work. I try to get 8 hours of sleep a night. That leaves 5 hours a day for everything else. The essentials: eating, showering, jerking off. And the recreationals: drinking, smoking, jerking off. At most, I could dedicate a half-hour every day to thinking about foreign policy and military strategy. Not enough to make me Colin Powell…

Hold on–

…You wanna pay me to quit my job and become an independent policy wonk with solidly informed opinions, write up a contract and we’ll talk...

Hold on–

…Until then, don’t listen to anyone that isn’t an expert.

--Hold on, I got another call.

Hello?

Yes, a real elf. Hugo Weaving, Liv Tyler, they look like real elves. This guy. He’s a cartoon.

Are you high?

Yes! (pause. Ott takes a hit from his bowl) …But he sure can sing.

"American Elf" debuted March 14, 2003, performed by Eric Johnson, Chris Clarke, Dave Ulrich.

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