TOM SAWYER’S ISLAND
Eric Johnson
LIGHTS UP on an empty stage.
Harrington, Garvey and Ott enter. Garvey is leading. As they enter, Ott notices someone passing them, and catches up to Garvey.
ott
Dude, did you see that? You were just seriously checked out!
garvey
Oh yeah? Where?
ott
This girl that just passed. She saw you pass, then she put her hand on her friend like "Did you SEE that guy?" She was hot.
garvey
Sweet.
Harrington points, out.
harrington
Hey, is that an island over there?
ott
Well, that’s an island. But there’s nothin’ over there.
garvey
How old was she?
ott
Like 14, but hot.
harrington
What’s that building there?
Ott
It’s like a log cabin, Mark Twain’s house, whatever. Façade, probably. Did you see that chick checking out Garvey?
harrington
No, there’s people in the house. Look in the windows.
garvey
Those aren’t real. They’re animatronics.
harrington
Why would they put a guy in a homey hat in Mark Twain’s house?
garvey
Well, he’s an employee. It’s probably the park services building.
harrington
Disney doesn’t let employees wear homey hats where families from Ohio might see them. Those are guests. Look! There’s more people over there! What’s over there?? Where’s the map?
Garvey pulls a map of Disneyland out of his back pocket and unfolds it.
garvey
Uhh, it’s just the Jungle Cruise.
harrington
No, Jungle Cruise is over there.
( Pointing at the map)
Look.
garvey
I got it! I got it!! It’s uh–The Country Bears–
harrington
It’s–would you give me that? The Country Bears is over there.
garvey
I didn’t say–
harrington
We’re nowhere near the Country Bears.
ott
Country Bears is closed.
garvey
I didn’t say it was the Country Bears.
harrington
You just said The Country Bears.
ott
Country Bears is closed, dude.
garvey
No, I didn’t. I said "The Country Bears" cuz I’m looking at the map and I said "The Country Bears…"
harrington
Would you just give me the map so I can see what’s over there?
garvey
No, I don’t forfeit my right to the map just because you misheard me.
harrington
You said The Country Bears!
garvey
Because I saw The Country Bears on the map, and I was trying to figure out where we were.
ott
Country Bears is closed. They’re reconstructing it.
garvey
I wasn’t saying "The Country Bears!" I was saying "The Country Bears…"
ott
Probably something to do with the movie–
garvey
( Demonstrating, exaggerating greatly to make fun of Harrington)
THE COUNTRY BEARS…
ott
Though the thing was such an embarrassment, maybe they’ll just keep it the way it was. They better not get rid of the moose head, or the other heads, because the heads weren’t in the movie and that was just the beginning of the problems with it. I mean–
garvey
( Still exaggerating)
POOH CORNER…
ott
What the fuck is happening? Somebody at Disney was paid a lot of money to make the decisions that resulted in a Country Bears movie that has NONE of the characters from The Country Bear Jamboree–
garvey
HAUNTED MANSION…
ott
--has NOTHING WHATEVER to do with the things that made people love the Country Bears in the first place!! I mean, what do you remember about The Country Bear Jamboree?? Huh? You remember the fucking moose head, and the girl bear on the swing. And neither of those things is in the movie! Not even hinted at! I mean, what’s the point??
garvey
( Not exaggerating)
Tom Sawyer’s Island.
harrington
What?
garvey
It’s Tom Sawyer’s Island.
harrington
Yeah, and what goes on over there?
garvey
It doesn’t say.
harrington
How do we get over there?
garvey
I don’t know.
Long pause. Garvey looks at the map. Harrington and Ott stare at the island.
garvey
Well, there’s the Mark Twain Riverboat.
harrington
Yeah.
garvey
There’s the Huck Finn Rafts.
harrington
And none of ‘em says "To Tom Sawyer’s Island"?
garvey
No.
harrington
Let me see.
He grabs the map and looks at it.
harrington
You’re right.
They all stare at the island for a bit. Ott sees the girl approaching from the direction they entered.
ott
Dude! She’s coming back, with her friend!!
garvey
Where?
ott
She’s looking! She’s right there!
They all take positions to highlight Garvey. Garvey squints into the distance, trying to look cool.
harrington
She’s twelve, dude.
ott
No, she’s fourteen.
harrington
You don’t know how old she is.
ott
Neither do you!
She is very close. They are all quiet.
garvey
( To girl)
‘sup?
The girls pass. The boys watch them.
harrington
You saw the Country Bears movie?
Pause.
ott
Fuck no.
LIGHTS OUT.
"Tom Sawyer's Island" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Tom Sawyer's Island" debuted January 31, 2003, performed by Eric Johnson, Chris Clarke, Dave Ulrich.
Performed at Best of No Shame (Los Angeles) March 27th-29th, 2003. Directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast: Eric C. Johnson, Christopher Clarke, Dave Ulrich
Library]
