I'm on a moped.

I'm drivin' down the street where I live, and I stop in front of my Dad's house. There's a vendor-push-cart type of guy sitting out on our lawn, and I've never seen him before. He's really muscular, and he has all these snake tattoos. He's selling hotdogs on our lawn. I go up to him, to see who he is, and he gives me a hotdog. I don't want to offend him, so I eat it. Then he gives me another, then another, and another. I try to tell him to stop, but my mouth is full of weiner, and I can't speak. He just keeps pushing hotdogs in my mouth, and I turn to run away, then . . .

All of a sudden I'm with my best friend Brent at his apartment, and he's got a six-pack and a pizza. Brent is a welder, we went to school together and he’s my very best buddy in the world. I’m happy to see him, and I ask him what was goin' on tonight, you know, what're we gonna do? And Brent says, "Well, I just called Kevin and Brian, they'll be right over, and we're all gonna HUMP and put the devil back in hell."

I said,"We're gonna do what?"

"Hump, bump uglies, we’re going to FUCK each other like there’s NO tomorrow," he says, "What'cha think I said?" And he gets up and starts to undress! I just looked at him, my mouth hanging wide open, and Brent looks at me and says " What'cha waitin' for, Stupid, get your clothes off, they’ll be here any minute!"

I said " I don't remember making any plans that called for you, me, Brian and Kevin to get NAKED and do anything nasty!"

Brent says "What're talkin' about? It was YOUR idea, dummy! Now get them pants off and bring that sweet ass of yours over here, I've been waiting for it all day!"

I scream, then I wake up.

I keep having this . . . GAY dream. Every week.

And the thing is, I'm not gay, seriously, I'm a dedicated heterosexual. Seriously.

But this dream keeps following me around, and it’s freaking me out.

I need help.

Now there's a new variation to it. I had it last week.

I dreamed I was on Jeopardy, you know, the game show, and I was kicking ass! I knew all the answers, or questions, or whatever the hell it is, and I was winning tons of money! But the categories were:

Gay Poets, Gay Americans in History, Politicians and Homosexuality, and B for Bisexual! I was winning, I knew everything, and all I could think every time I got one right was; my God, I'm on TV! And my father's at home watchin' and wondering how I know all this stuff!

I don't know why these dreams are following me around like this, I'm not a homosexual, I'm not afraid of homosexuals, I know they're not going to kidnap me and turn me into one, at least I’m pretty sure they won’t, I'm not a homophobe, I love women religiously, and JESUS, WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!

Do you think my subconscious is trying to tell me something?