In Honor of Beer

By Joshua James

I come here not to simply buy beer, but also to honor it.

Beer gives me the ability and stamina to make love and satisfy extremely large women. Many times.

Beer turns any and all sport competition, from football to figure skating, into the most important, life-or-death event of your life, regardless of who wins.

Consumption of beer transforms any man sitting next to you into the best friend you’ve ever had and any ex-girlfriend or ex-wife into the love of your life.

Beer-drinking makes streaking and skinny-dipping after the age of forty an extremely good idea.

Were it not for beer, no one would ever eat a chili-dog.

Thanks to beer, I once won a three-legged race. By myself.

By God, I may not know everything, but I know this.

I love beer.