Bad News

By Joshua James

Daryl

Meryl, where have you been? You didn’t come home last night.

Meryl

Daryl, I have a confession to make.

Daryl

You do?

Meryl

It’s a rather upsetting confession.

Daryl

What is it, Meryl?

Meryl

It’s going to make you angry.

Daryl

It’s going to make me angry?

Meryl

Really angry. Really, REALLY ANGRY. You’re going to be furious. You’re going to be livid with rage, you’re going to be homicidally pissed off, you are going be incredibly, incredibly angry to a degree that the actual temperature in this room will rise once you hear what I have done, that’s how angry you are going to get.

Daryl

Wow. That’s pretty angry.

Meryl

But I can’t keep it to myself anymore, I have to brave the violence of your temper and confess what I have done.

Daryl

Goodness. Maybe I should take my Zoloft now as opposed to later?

Meryl

No, no, I can’t wait any more. I must confess. I have to tell you. Daryl. I’m leaving you.

Daryl

Leaving me? But why?

Meryl

It’s a long story. I’ve been cheating on you.

Daryl

Cheating on me? With who?

Meryl

With your boss at work.

Daryl

Oh.

Meryl

And your co-worker Ben.

Daryl

Oh.

Meryl

And his secretary.

Daryl

Oh.

Meryl

And his secretary’s husband.

Daryl

Ah.

Meryl

And his secretary’s brother. All at the same time.

Daryl

Hmmm.

Meryl

We filmed it, the orgy. And they showed it at the last office Christmas party after you passed out. We even had popcorn.

Daryl

Popcorn.

Meryl

We used real butter on the popcorn, too, I know, we’re terrible people. And after the party, I had sex with the building custodian just because he complimented me on my thighs. Basically, I’ve had sex with nearly everyone you see while you’re at work. And your brother. And also the boy that delivers the morning paper.

Daryl

The paperboy? But he’s only thirteen.

Meryl

Fourteen, he just turned fourteen. But before you lose complete control, there’s more.

Daryl

More?

Meryl

I wrecked your car, your treasured Jaguar, I got high and totaled it last night. Actually, that’s not true, although I was high, I wasn’t driving. See, I had to let the paperboy drive, he’s been dying to drive it and I promised him that once he got his learner’s permit I would let him. I had to let him drive the car otherwise he was going to tell his mother that he and I were showering together every afternoon. So he was driving and while he was driving I was . . . servicing him, I guess you could say, servicing him orally, and he got so excited during said servicing that he ran right into the back of a schoolbus. That’s why I didn’t come home last night, I was in jail for molesting a minor. The kid’s still in the hospital in critical condition. But there’s more. I mortgaged the house and sold your motorcycle in order to make bail. I plan on skipping bail, so start looking for another place to live. Oh, that reminds me, you’re flat broke.

Daryl

Broke?

Meryl

You’re broke. I emptied your savings accounts, cashed in all the CD’s and T-bills and emptied your 401K. I did this last week, unfortunately, before I knew I was going to need bail money. I spent the money on botox treatments for my thighs, they really needed the work, and all the rest on heroin, I’ve recently developed something of a habit, by the way you need to get an HIV test, I forgot to tell you.

Daryl

HIV?

Meryl

There’s more. Your dog Skippy didn’t run away, I had him put to sleep, I didn’t like the way he was looking at me so I had him put him down. Actually, that’s not true, I didn’t have him put down, it costs a lot of money to put a dog to sleep, like about two hundred bucks, so instead I gave him to some farmer who killed him by hitting him over the head with a shovel. That way only costs five bucks. Oh, that reminds me, your mother didn’t pass away peacefully in her sleep at the rest home. I smothered her with a pillow and then sold all of her vital organs on the black market. Also, I’ve been lying to you, my real name isn’t Meryl, my real name is Mayreagonnoyustof and I’m here illegally from Lebanon.

Daryl

Well Meryl, I have to say that I am very, very disappointed in you.

Meryl

I know, I know, you have every right to be furious with me.

Daryl

Well. I am pretty upset by all this. But I think that you’ve seen the error of your ways and appear to be genuinely contrite so . . . why don’t we just let bygones be bygones?

Meryl

I’m afraid that there’s more bad news.

Daryl

More bad news?

Meryl

With uh . . . with everything that’s been happening, I . . . I haven’t . . . uh . . . I haven’t paid the cable bill in quite awhile. Months and months.

Daryl

You don’t mean . . .

Meryl

It’s true. They’ve cancelled our subscription.

Daryl

Fuck! Motherfuck! SHIT!

Meryl

I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

Daryl

Now you’ve gone too far.