( A fortune teller, Alara, sits playing solitaire. Mimi enters)

I’d like my fortune told, please.

Come. Sit.

I’m Mimi, Mimi Liebling. I’m trying to find a blessed man.

Sit.

(gestures) Here alright?

Yes, anywhere

Oh, anywhere? Then here, then.

No, you can’t sit there.

You said anywhere.

Anywhere that is not already taken.

Who’s sitting there-(startled) Daddy?

Well who the fuck else would it be?

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, baby.

How are you?

I’m dead, how are you?

Pretty good, thanks.

I’ll leave you two alone. (exits)

Mimi, I don’t have much time, so I’m gonna say what I gotta say before I phase out.

Okay.

Now it’s about–

Is it cold in Heaven, Daddy?

What? NO, it’s a nice even temperature….but that’s not important, now listen up–

Do you go to angel choir shows? Do you wear beautiful hats?

Yes and no, now will you listen? I’m trying to tell you that–

Are there cats and dogs up there with you? I bet there are. Are there?

No, thank God! There’d be shit everywhere, now I have to say what I’m gotta say, baby, it’s about you’re blessed man!

Does chocolate–wha-my blessed man? What?

Okay, listen, now that I’ve got your attention: you’re on the wrong track…you’ve got to find…uh oh…(starts to phase out)

Daddy?

Mimi, forget the blessed man, look for a…..

DADDY!! You’re fadin’ out!

MIMI!!!!!!!

DADDY! Hey, lady! He’s gone, bring him back! LADY! Jeez where’d she go to smoke a cigarette on the elemental plane? ANCH! (storms out)

(after a beat, Alara enters. Then Danny enters for a reading)

Hello?

Come in. Sit.

Hi.

How can I help you?

I have some…questions?

You have only but to ask.

Great, thanks.

2 dollars a minute for the first half hour. 1 dollar for every minute after that.

Oh, okay. (pays)

Ask your questions.

Okay. Is there…a God.

(beat) Yes.

Okay, great. Is there…a Devil?

(considers) No.

Alright, nice. Is there free will.

Mostly.

Is there predestination?

A little.

Is Art…subjective?

(laughs) No, no.

Uhuh. Are we alone in the Universe?

This Universe?

Yes.

No.

Oh. Okay, are ADD and chronic fatigue syndrome really diseases?

Not at all.

I knew it.

Yep.

Is there…an afterlife?

Yes.

Is it nice?

N-yeah.

It is? Is it really really nice?

Sure.

Really?

Not really. It’s kind of boring, actually.

Aw…

I know.

Does what you do in this life effect your afterlife?

Definitely

Shit. (Crap.)

I know.

Oh, yeah, did OJ do it?

Come on!

He did, didn’t he?

Absolutely.

Is there a 10^th planet?

Define planet?

A…large..planet shaped object in orbit around the Sun?

Define orbit?

Incrementally decaying elliptical revolution around a body with a higher mass?

Define Sun.

Large incandescent ball of gas of mostly helium and hydrogen but also contains many other trace elements.

Then no. There’s no 10^th planet.

Jean was wrong. I was right. (overly celebratory) In her face!

Yes.

Okay, here’s one.

Last question, make it count.

OKAY! Last question. Last question…okay. Here it is. Did I lead…a…good life?

ALARA

Do you really want me to answer that?

Yes. No.

Yes or no?

No. I mean yes! Wait, yes….okay…actually no, I don’t think–YES!!

Then, no.

No?

Yes.

Wait, yes or no?

No.

But you just said yes.

I answered your question, the answer is "no."

(thinks) Then I just have one more question.

What is it?

Will you validate my (mom’s) parking?

Certainly.

Performed January 17-19, 2003 by Larry Stallings, Tabitha Lee, April Young and Avery Chester.
[This may not have been the first performance of this piece.]

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