copyright © 2006 Tom Hoy

Energy Independence? Let’s get serious!

And now, for a special report from W.A.N.K. news…

Throughout the 90’s there was a revolution in the automotive industry. The modern family demanded something new, something that was more powerful than a car, but far less gay than a minivan. The automotive industry responded by making a vehicle as powerful as a truck, but with the room and family-oriented wholesomeness of the minivan. The Sport Utility Vehicle, or SUV, was born.

The SUV became an American craze, taking the nation by storm. It seemed that every family needed a rugged, 4 wheel drive vehicle to drive little timmy to soccer practice, and the sheer size and inherent manliness of them gave the American male even more options in the realm of penile compensation.

However, the SUV had an inherent flaw. They used up roughly as much energy as Guam. To power such a display of raw American endowment, a great amount of gas is used to run them, causing more pollution. And with the recent climb in gas prices, the SUV has become an even bigger problem by upping the demand for gas, thereby upping prices. Also, the SUV has fueled America’s unrepentant gluttony for foreign oil, putting our great nation at the mercy of subversive people who don’t speak English.

What’s the solution? How can our great nation reduce our dependency on foreign countries while retaining our freedom to drive vehicles as large as Bono’s ego. While perhaps souls like Bono and Barbara Streisand could perhaps power their vehicles out of their own sense of self-satisfaction, ordinary Americans aren’t quite so lucky. What should be done? With an answer to that question, here’s a special editorial by Bernard Goldberg.

Bernard Goldberg: America is in an energy crisis. Foreign countries are holding American interest hostage to their whiny demands for "Food" and "Medical Aid". What should you, me, and everybody do to solve this? Start killing some of those useless fucking Pandas.

Honestly, why not? When was the last time a Panda did anything for you? If America wants to diversify into alterative energy sources and become energy independent, LET’S GET SERIOUS! Let’s design an engine that can run off of live animals, and get busy on that massive monument to uselessness, the endangered species, and let’s start melting down some of those useless, black and white, bamboo eating wastes of energy. That’s right, I’ll say it again, that new H3 you bought should be fueled by panda. Raw, freshly killed, cute, cuddly, unadulterated panda. We shouldn’t be worried about whether or not Simsim is going to mate, we should chop her ass up in the name of General Motors! And you know what we could do as incentive. Whenever you buy a hummer, we could even give you a complementary machete, perfect for getting through that tough, thick, panda hide.

Seriously, why is a panda so fucking special anyway, because they’re colored black and white? The referee at the Super Bowl is going to be colored black and white, and half the country is going to be screaming for his head come Monday morning. This is human fucking prejudice in the way of a human fucking problem. There is nothing special about those black and white incarnations of useless!

And it shouldn’t stop with Pandas either! We should start killing whatever endangered species we can. Do a little of Darwin’s work and speed up evolution. If these things were so great, maybe there’d be a few more of them, so I saw let’s do a little of nature’s work for her and just speed up the world’s natural progress! And like I said before, we should not limit it to panda. How about baby seals? Come on, they’re rich in blubber! But we’ve gotta get the baby ones, before their muscles get all stringy. We could even keep going with the giveaway idea and hand out free seal clubs! Free fucking seal clubs with every vehicle under 20 miles per gallon!

And we shouldn’t limit it to endangered species either! Hey, how many of you out there have an annoying neighbor who owns a lot of cats? You know, they just let the mangy things run around and crap wherever they please. Well, instead of letting little FiFi run around and spread disease, let’s turn that fluffy little furball into HORSEPOWER! America has too many stray animals running around. They’re a drain to society, so I say let’s put that annoying collie or obnoxious Siamese to some good use!

Not only this, but cooking animals for fuel could solve our nation’s hunger problem. Instead of soup kitches, we should have panda kitchens! Take that used fuel and let someone needy have it. Give back to the community a little. This would also help Americans get more tax write offs, you’d be donating to charity wouldn’t you? Who doesn’t like a little more money, and hey, the hungry need food don’t they? This would solve a society problem that’s plagued us since our nation started. It’s our duty as Americans not to stand in the way of progress.

So in conclusion, kill those pandas, club those seals, and hack up those precious Bengal tigers. America’s road to energy independence is paved with the three P’s. Pandas, poodles, and puppies.


[Back to: Library] Home