By Tom

Ray: Ahhh, the best day of the year. Better than Easter, Halloween, Christmas, and even New Year. It’s Super Bowl fucking Sunday. Got my chair, my TV, and my Keystone Light. Life can’t get much better.

(Pause)

Ray: What the hell are you doin’ boy? Get your ass out here and enjoy an American tradition!!

(Pause)

Ray: Johnny!!!! Get your ass out here and watch the fuckin’ game! Put down that fuckin’ book for once in your Goddamn life!

(Pause)

Ray: Johnny, what did I just fuckin’ tell you.

(Johnny walks up, he has obviously been disturbed)

Johnny: (Annoyed) What?!?

Ray: Put down that fuckin’ book for once and watch the fuckin’ tube. What the hell’s that your reading; anyway?

Johnny: Candide…

Ray: What? What the fuck’s "Candied"?

Johnny: Candide, it’s by Voltaire, the French philosopher?...

Ray: What? Voltex?... Fench?... Boy, get your ass in gear and watch some football!

Johnny: (Sarcastic) You mean soccer?

Ray: What? I said football, this ain’t no soccer.

Johnny: (Sarcastic) Oh, well most of the world calls soccer football, Dad.

Ray: Soccer is for fuckin’ queers.

Johnny: Yeah... as opposed to all of these guys in tight pants showing off their asses. (False excitement) Oh, look! He’s putting his hands by the other guy’s ass and look, he takes something from the guy’s ass… and then , and then he gives the ass gift to someone else!! Oh and this other guy desperately wants to hug him. (Wooing) Awe, he did a good job and oh he just got slapped on the ass. Isn’t that cute?

Ray: Boy, you show respect. This game is as American as… as Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Johnny: Arnold is Austrian, not American dumbass!

Ray: Whatever boy. Just sit down. These guys are the best of the best.

Johnny: You know I could be the best at shoving peapods up my urethra but that doesn’t mean it’s worth devoting an entire day just to watch it.

Ray: You can do what?!? Hey, that might be really cool!

Johnny: No, Dad! I can’t– I mean– (Frustrated) I’m trying to make a point about how stupid and arbitrary this "American Tradition" is!!!

Ray: If you can fit a peapod up that tiny little whole then shit, you may have a future after all.

Johnny: (Extremely fed up) Urg!!! Just shut up and leave me alone!!!

Ray: Hey! You…you show some respect!! What’d the hell I do to deserve this?!?

Johnny: Dad!! When you coached little league, you’d hand out Black and Milds and Keystone Light whenever we won a game.

Ray: So… one incident, don’t mean nothin’.

Johnny: One incident !! (Really frustrated) You came in drunk to parent’s day and urinated in the drinking fountain!!

Ray: I don’t remember that!!!

Johnny: Of course you don’t!!! You were fucking drunk!! Fuck your stupid football, I’m going to go finish my book! (Leaves)

Ray: Whatever boy, I don’t want you hear anyway. All I need is my game and my Keystone… Ah, Super Bowl Sunday… Gotta love it!

• February 3, 2006 - No Shame Cedar Falls
  

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