I HATE YOU TOO, SWEETIE
by travis holmes
AMELIA
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH! YOU’RE THE WORST PARENTS EVER!
MOM
Sweetie--?
AMELIA
DON’T CALL ME SWEETIE! I HATE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME SWEETIE! I’M NOT YOUR SWEETIE!
DAD
We’re sorry sweetie–
AMELIA
What did I just say?! What did I just finish asking you not to call me?!
MOM
Sweetie–
AMELIA
Correct! I asked you not to call me sweetie! It’s always "Oh sweetie you’re so sweet. We love you sweetie. You’re just the sweetest-sweet-sweet-sweetie-sweet--."
Screams and flails, falls to the floor in a tantrum.
DAD
Swee-- Honey? Honey, are you okay?
AMELIA
No! I’m not okay! I’m horrible! My life is absolute misery!
DAD
Can we get you anything?
MOM
You want some eggs? You like eggs, don’t you sweetie?
AMELIA
I HATE EGGS! And stop calling me sweetie for the love of god!
DAD
You want a glass of orange juice?
AMELIA
No! Fuck your orange juice! Fuck you!
MOM
Now darling, you shouldn’t talk to your father that way. It’s disrespectful.
AMELIA
Disrespectful?! DISRESPECTFUL?!
DAD
Yes, well, maybe a tad bit–
AMELIA
GO TO HELL! I HATE YOU BOTH! I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!
DAD
Amelia, honey, would you just tell us what’s wrong?
AMELIA
You want me to tell you what’s wrong?! I have to tell you?!?!
MOM
We’re your parents. We just want to help.
AMELIA
That is exactly what’s wrong! Of all the thousands of people on the earth who are able to reproduce, I ended up being conceived by the two of you! My father was supposed to be a tall athletic man who rides a white horse and wears a ten-gallon hat and isn’t afraid of anything! And my mother was supposed to be a glamorous Broadway actress who would cart me around in her limo to the most exquisite engagements! But no! I ended up with a pair of boring pathetic losers like you! Why god, why?!?!
Mom bursts into tears.
DAD
Oh, so we’re not good enough for you, huh? Just look what you’ve done to your mother! What have you got to say for yourself?
AMELIA
Nothing. I don’t care. What are you gonna do about it?
DAD
Well, if it’s any consolation, sweetie, we weren’t exactly thrilled when we found out you were on your way all those years ago.
AMELIA
What?
MOM
Papa, no!
DAD
That’s right. You were an accident! You were a broken condom! A pain in the ass! A big crimp in our plans! Remember, Mama? We were gonna go to Hawaii that summer.
MOM
Oh that’s right! We were! But then we couldn’t.
Mom and Dad both look at Amelia.
AMELIA
What are you looking at me for? It’s not my fault!
DAD
Remember how we had it all planned? We had reservations at that hotel right by the beach. We were gonna lay in the sand and soak up the sun.
MOM
Dance the night away!
DAD
Learn how to surf.
MOM
Scuba-diving.
DAD
Not to mention the hot sex on the beach.
AMELIA
Like, eew! I don’t wanna hear about your nasty monkey-love!
Mom and Dad don’t hear her, they’re lost in each other’s eyes.
MOM
I sometimes wonder how things would have been different if I’d just gone on and had that abortion.
DAD
Well, the fault is mine for buying those cheap condoms.
MOM
Who knew?
DAD
Still, sometimes I wonder, what if you could just go back and wipe-out a little piece of the past? Just make it so it never happened?
AMELIA
I know you’re not talking about me! Your own daughter, your flesh and blood gift from heaven above!
Amelia looks at them, they look back at her.
AMELIA
FINE!
Amelia storms off. Hawaiian music comes on, Mom and Dad dance the hula. Lights out.
"I Hate You Too, Sweetie" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"I Hate You Too, Sweetie" debuted August 16, 2002, performed by Taylor Maddux, Anne Hulsman, and Bonnie Arnold.
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