THE INTERROGATION

(premiered September 1994.  Original cast:  Bones
(Andy), Mike MacEachern (Larry), Martin Hill
(Eldridge).  Chris Vicchiollo played a wonderful
Eldridge in later incarnations.

copyright 1994, mdh

A police interrogation room.  A suspect, Andy, is
seated in a chair.  Two rather exhausted detectives,
Larry and Eldridge, alternately interrogate him or
trade notes with each other.  

	ANDY
Listen guys!  I was no where near the place.  You've
got the wrong guy!

	LARRY
(aside with Eldridge)  I don't get it.  This kid has
got to be the killer.  Nothing seems to be fazing him.
 We've got to put the fear of God into him.

	ELDRIDGE
Got any ideas?

	LARRY
He's young.  I'll bet he's susceptible to prison
horror stories.

	ELDRIDGE
You think you can scare him with monsters?

	LARRY
I was thinking more along the line of fairy tales. 
You get my drift?

	ELDRIDGE
Actually, no.

	LARRY
I'm talking about the kind of sex life he's going to
find behind bars.

	ELDRIDGE
(sudden realization:)  Gotcha.

	LARRY
(to the kid:)  Kid, I'll bet you've heard rumors about
what happens in prison.  My partner, Eldridge, has
heard rumors.  (Eldridge nods.)  You know, you have a
really nice ass.

	ELDRIDGE
Thank you.

	LARRY
I was talking to the kid.

	ELDRIDGE
You hardly even know him.

	LARRY
So?

	ELDRIDGE
So, we've been partners for six months and you've
never commented on my ass.

	LARRY
(to Andy:)  Just a minute.  (pulls Eldridge over by
the ear.)

	ELDRIDGE
Ow!

	LARRY
Are you insane?

	ELDRIDGE
Not legally.  

	LARRY
Then just shut up.  I was talking about the kid's ass.
 

	ELDRIDGE
You think his ass is better than mine?

	LARRY
Never mind.  Just let me handle this.  (to the kid:) 
Listen, Andy, you've probably heard stories about the
kind of sex that goes on in the big house.  

	ANDY
(nervously:)  I suppose.

	ELDRIDGE
Yeah, with an ass like yours, you're going to attract
a lot of the female prison guards.

	LARRY
Excuse me.  (Takes Eldridge by the ear.)  Let's get on
the same page.  I'm telling this kid about how other
prisoners, male prisoners, are going to force the kid
to have sex with him.

	ELDRIDGE
That's not polite.

	LARRY
Of course, it's not polite!  

	ELDRIDGE
Oh!  Now, I've got it.  Now, I know what you're trying
to do!

	LARRY
You do?  Well, it's about time!

	ELDRIDGE
This time let me.  (to the kid:)  You know, kid, you
have a nice ass!  

	LARRY
That's right!  You have a very nice ass!

	ANDY
Thank you.

	ELDRIDGE
You won't be thanking us when you end up in prison. 
Am I right, Larry?

	LARRY
You're right.

	ELDRIDGE
Maybe you've heard about what they do in prison to
kid's with nice asses.

	LARRY
Very nice asses.

	ANDY
No.

	ELDRIDGE
You ever hear the phrase, "There is nothing immoral
about what is done between two consenting adults in
the privacy of their own homes?"  

	ANDY
I've heard that.  

	ELDRIDGE
Yeah?  Well, that won't apply to you because you won't
be in your own home.  

	LARRY
Nowhere near.

	ANDY
Come on, you guys, you're creeping me out.

	ELDRIDGE
Let me paint for you a picture of what's going to
happen.  First, they're going to put you into a prison
cell.  Then you're going to meet one of your fellow
prisoners.  His name is Steve.  And he's a
hairdresser.

	LARRY
Yeah, but he won't have time to dress your hair.

	ELDRIDGE
That's right.  First, he's going to treat you real
sweet.  He'll talk to you, get to know you.  Then
he'll ask you if you're lonely.  And the next thing
you know, he'll pull out his special oils.

	LARRY
Tell him what kind of oils.

	ELDRIDGE
Herbs and mints.  And special rubbing ointments. 
He'll ask you if you have a pain in your neck.

	LARRY
Like the one I've got right up here.

	ELDRIDGE
Then he'll give you a half-hour neck massage.  (Larry
rubs his own neck.)  All the time, you chat and get to
know each other better.  You find out he's a really
sensitive guy.  

	LARRY
Yeah, with a capital "S."

	ELDRIDGE
And when he's through with the neck rub, he'll give
you a little punch in the shoulder to let you know
you're buddies.  

	LARRY
That's right, "buddies."

	ELDRIDGE
Only the next day he doesn't have time for you.  Seems
he volunteered for extra laundry duty.  So all day
long you're thinking about him and those wonderful
neck massages.

	LARRY
Those wonderful neck massages.

	ELDRIDGE
Only it's whole other whole week before he gives you a
second one.  

	LARRY
The bastard!

	ELDRIDGE
This time he pulls out a special oil called, "Maiden
Voyage."  And this time when he's done he seems to
linger a little bit longer, caressing your shoulders
and inhaling those perfumed oils.

	LARRY
God, they smell good!

	ELDRIDGE
And they stick in your head like a dagger.  Another
week passes.  Another week of torture as you don't
know when you'll have a chance to meet again. 
Finally, you get a perfumed invitation in the prison
mail.  Your heart leaps, it's a private dinner in the
warden's penthouse suite, just you and Steve.

	LARRY
And he's rented out the video, "Guys and Dolls."

	ELDRIDGE
  All day long you're thinking about your great night
out, when without warning, bam!  It happens.  They let
you out of prison because you refused to confess.  
  And, suddenly, your life is over.  You know you'll
never see Steve again.  A couple of weeks and he'll
turn you over for some other lifer.  
   But there's a way out.  For some lucky guy who just
confesses, there's a way to get back to Steve. 
(pause)

	LARRY
I did it.

	ELDRIDGE
What?

	LARRY
I did it.  I killed the guy.  

	ELDRIDGE
Larry.  I don't what to say.  

	LARRY
Don't say anything.  You've said enough.  Thanks, man,
thanks.  (Larry hugs Eldridge.)    

	ELDRIDGE
I'm going to have to lock you up.

	LARRY
I know.  I'm ready.  (He takes Eldridge's hand and
they exit together.)

	ANDY
Can I go?

(lights down)

"THE INTERROGATION" premiered September 1994. Original cast: Bones (Andy), Mike MacEachern (Larry), Martin Hill (Eldridge).

Chris Vicchiollo played a wonderful Eldridge in later incarnations.

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