Narrator: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Knotty Pines. Part four. Last week, L.U. Squid and Ben Covey, with the help of Chief Bogle, discovered the evil Todd Bridges plan to tear down all the houses in Knotty Pines and replace them with an exact replica of the Lincoln Memorial.
Squid: So, that's his scheme!
Narrator: Yes, but you knew that already.
Squid: Of course.
Narrator: Also on their minds was the safety of Julie Skylark, who was being tortured at that moment by Ira the Torturer.
Ben: You don t say!
Narrator: I do, though. And so, with the police not far behind
Pendleton: (off.) Roxanne!
Narrator: Our heroes were on their way to Todd Bridges estate, the Charles Mansion. But first, they had to endure the Morning Wood.
(Ben and Squid cover themselves with their scripts.)
Narrator: It's a forest, guys.
Ben & Squid: Oh! A forest! Okay, that's different, I knew that, etc.
Squid: Now, Ben, when we get there, just follow my lead. I think a situation like this calls for an alias.
Ben: But Todd Bridges doesn t know us.
Squid: He may not know you, but you mustn't forget, Ben, I'm famous in these parts. I am an actor.
Narrator: A third-rate dinner-theatre actor.
Squid: At least I'm rated! I bet you're not even in Equity!
Ben: Lester, he's right. Remember how when you wanted to become a household word, you had to change your name? Squid: (Fondly.) Folger's Crystals.
Ben: He won't recognize you.
Squid: At any rate, I still think it best we use aliases. To quote Shakespeare, Better safe than sorry.
Narrator: And just in time, for they had reached the Charles Mansion.
Squid: Here we are. Are the police right behind us?
Pendleton: (off.) Roxanne!
Squid: Good. I'll just knock on the door like so. (He does.) And remember, let me do the talking.
(Todd Bridges crosses to them.)
Todd: May I help you?
Squid: Yes, uh, my name is Roy G. Biv, and this is my associate Papa Smurf ingway. We've come to volunteer our services, Mr. Bridges.
Todd: Dandy! Please come in.
(Squid whistles towards policemen. Todd gives him an odd look.)
Todd: May I take your coat, Mr. Smurfingway?
(Ben doesn't respond. Squid kicks him. Ben shoves Squid.)
Squid: Mr. Bridges was just asking for your coat, (With emphasis.) Mr. Smurfingway.
Ben: Oh. (Realizing.) Oh! Thank you.
Todd: Now then, gentlemen. You've come to assist me in the renovation of Knotty Pines. (He begins pacing.) I'm afraid I have some terrible news. There will be no renovation. You see, I plan to tear down all the
Narrator: We all know your evil plan by now.
Todd: Of course. How silly of me. So, my friends, are you willing to participate in a plan so heinous?
Ben: It's not so heinous.
Todd: Not so heinous, eh, Smurfingway? When I build my Lincoln Memorial, no one will ever go back to the original. They'll forget all about the real Abraham Lincoln. Then I can fill them with lies about his life. How he was the first to own a Lincoln Continental, how he kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, how his nickname was Honest Abe but close friends called him Fuckin Abe, how he once kissed Sonny Bono with his tongue!
Ben: You are evil!
Todd: That's right! Evil to the core!
Squid: I think we've heard enough. Officers!
(Pendleton and Cross cross to them.)
Pendleton: Hi, I'm Officer Pendleton.
Cross: I'm Officer Cross.
Pendleton & Cross: No relation.
Todd: Wha!?!
Pendleton: That's right, Bridges, we heard everything.
Cross: The lies.
Pendleton: The slander.
Cross: The tongue.
Pendleton: We won't let you tarnish the reputation of the finest astronaut NASA has ever seen.
Cross: Uh, Pendleton
(He whispers in his ear.)
Pendleton: Oh, Abe Lincoln!
Squid: Take him away, boys.
Ben: Wait! Where's Julie?
Todd: She's being tortured in the next room.
Ben: What?
(He runs over to stage right, where Ira is reading to Julie. This scene is in slo-mo.)
Ben: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
(He slowly runs over and knocks the book out of Ira s hand, then pushes him away. No more slo-mo no more now.)
Cross: Looks like we'll have to take this one, too.
Pendleton: Christ.
Cross: What?
Pendleton: I just never thought I d see the day when Todd Bridges was arrested.
(They take the villains away.)
Julie: Brian!
Ben: Ben.
Julie: Ben! My hero!
(They embrace.)
Narrator: And so, things got back to normal back in Knotty Pines. Ben and Julie became quite the couple until Julie broke up with him a week later.
Julie: It's not you, it's me.
(Michael Rothschild crosses to her side.)
Michael: (Puts his arm around her.) Hey.
Julie: This is Michael. Michael, this is Ben.
Ben: Brian.
Michael: Hey.
Narrator: And so, the world was safe again. Or was it?
Squid: Ben! Great news! I'm going to play Hamlet! In the musical version of Hamlet! The Musical!
Narrator: But will he learn to act and sing in time? I'm not sticking around to find out.
"Knotty Pines, Part Four" debuted October 22, 1999.
Cast: Greg Mitchell: Narrator, Mark Hansen: L.U. Squid, Brad Smith: Ben Covey, James Horak: Pendleton, Neil Campbell: Todd Bridges, Aaron Galbraith: Cross, Chris Breecher: Ira, Sheila Franklin: Julie Skylark, Michael Rothschild: Himself.
Library]
