Narrator: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Knotty Pines, part two. Last time the evil land developer Todd Bridges, not the actor from Different Strokes, had bought the land known as Knotty Pines for $96,000. His next plan: to tear down all the houses and put up in their place an exact replica of the Lincoln Memorial. But first, he had to win over the hearts of its inhabitants with his charisma.
Todd: Hmm I've got it! I ll hold a press conference!
Narrator: And that he did. The following day in Knotty Pines Square, the entire populace had congregated, including our heroes, Ben Covey and L.U. Squid.
(Ben and Squid enter; Squid is playing with a toy. He looks at its underside.)
Squid: Ages four and up I like those odds.
Ben: Gee, the whole town showed up for this. And look, the Channel 15 news truck is here.
Squid: Say, that's Hank Yorman, the t.v. anchor. We went to the Adam West School of Acting together. Hank!
Hank: Lester! I haven't seen you since
Squid: Performing Between Meals?
Hank: What have you been doing?
Squid: Why, acting, of course.
Hank: Really? Would I have seen you in anything?
Squid: I played the lead in Oklahoma! At the Globe Theatre and All you Can Eat Buffet.
Hank: Oklahoma!? I didn't know you sang?
Squid: I don't. It was a non-musical version.
Hank: Oh.
Cameraman: Standby, Yorman.
Hank: Excuse me.
Narrator: And just like that, one of the worst puns ever devised was let loose upon an unsuspecting audience. Fortunately, the love interest entered to distract us from the pain.
(Julie enters.)
Ben: Oh, no! It's Julie Skylark, the prom queen and secret love of my impressionable youth.
Squid: Prom queen? I thought Heather Turnip was the prom queen.
Ben: She was, but she got sick, so Julie took her place. She's more of a prom regent, actually.
Squid: Let's go say hello.
Ben: Are you kidding? She doesn't even know I exist!
Squid: Did you bring your birth certificate?
Ben: Huh?
Squid: Come on.
(They cross to her.)
Ben: Uh hi, Julie.
Julie: I'm sorry, do I know you?
Ben: Ben Covey. I sit next to you in Physics. And Geometry. And English. And History.
Julie: Brian
Ben: Ben. Covey?
Julie: Doesn't ring a bell.
Ben: I knew you didn't know I existed.
Julie: Did you bring your birth certificate?
Todd: Ladies and gentlemen
Narrator: Ben Covey's teen angst was interrupted by the opening of Todd Bridges speech. As he spoke, he was eloquent, charming and professional. But then, something unexpected occurred. Julie Skylark began to fall in love.
Julie: What a fox!
Todd: And so, I hope you semi-glamorous suburbanites will accept me and my expansions to your fair town. Oh, and if anyone would care to volunteer their services in the expansion, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Narrator: And with that as an opening, Julie attempted to get to know the evil land developer Todd Bridges. But as she walked closer
Todd: Ha! I've fooled them all! Now I can continue with my plan to tear down all their houses and replace them with an exact replica of the Lincoln Memorial.
Julie: What? Lincoln Memorial? What kind of stupid plan is that?
Todd: (Excitedly) Huh?
Julie: I mean, you could have turned us all into your slaves or looted all our houses, but the Lincoln Memorial? And to think, I almost tried to seduce you.
Todd: Really?
Julie: Don't get any ideas, I'm through with you now.
Todd: I beg to differ.
(He grabs her and drags her off stage.)
Julie: Hey, let go! You can't do this to me, I'm the Prom Regent!
Narrator: But he can and he has, and what's more, he even tries to cop a feel.
(Julie slaps him.)
Julie: Jerk! You'll never get away with this!
Narrator: But it looks like he will, unless our heroes come to her rescue. Can they save her in time? Be with us next week when you'll hear Todd Bridges say:
Todd: My hand slipped. Honest!
Narrator: That's next week in Knotty Pines!
"KNOTTY PINES, PART TWO" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED,
TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION
OF THE AUTHOR
"Knotty Pines, Part Two" debuted October 8, 1999.
Cast: Greg Mitchell: Narrator, Neil Campbell: Todd Bridges, Mark Hansen: L.U. Squid, Brad Smith: Ben Covey, Al Angel: Hank Yorman, Jamal River: Cameraman, Sheila Franklin: Julie Skylark.
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