copyright © 2002 Mark J. Hansen
F.A.Q./F.Q.A.
By Mark J. Hansen
(A enters and crosses to centerstage. He addresses the audience.)
A: Are there any questions?
I.
The Questions
(These questions will be asked in a random order by various members of the audience.)
- Where were you born?
- Do I have something in my teeth?
- Whatever happened to Sarah?
- Whats your middle initial stand for?
- How do you like my new haircut?
- What year was Yo La Tengos album, "Painful" released?
- Where did you get that sweater?
- Remember the time when we saw that baby dancing with the red balloon on the corner of Lincoln and 76th?
- Whats your favorite color?
- Do you still have feelings for me?
- Do you miss school at all?
- Did you remember your keys this time?
- Have you cum yet?
- Wanna see my babies?
- Whos that knocking on your front door?
- How do you tell the difference between an orange and a nectarine?
- Did I ever tell you about the time Lauren Pendergraft almost made out with Jacob Beardsley at Topher Daws party?
- Will you please put two dryer sheets in with the load thats got my towels and flannel sheets in it next time?
- If Farmer Brown has 24 apples in one basket and 13 in the other, which he subsequently drops and loses 7 of, and which he loads into a flatbed truck that leaves Springfield, Missouri at 8:47 AM central standard time going at a rate of 65 miles per hour, en route to Providence, Rhode Island, which is 18 hours away, with a total of 4 stops planned at 15 minutes per stop, and if he makes 12 cents per apple sold, what tie should he wear to his wifes funeral?
- What will it take to convince you to trim your nails?
II.
The Answers
(Unlike the questions, these answers will be read in the order which they appear.)
- Yes, definitely.
- When the sun is _ across the horizon.
- About seventy years ago.
- As sure as I am standing here today.
- The Battle of Hastings.
- If your mother says its okay, then its fine with me.
- Take Burlington west until you hit Riverside, then take a right. At the second light, therell be a side road, which you wont have to stop before you go down. A few blocks on your right is where it is. Cant miss it.
- Yeah, Im sorry. Wont happen again, I swear to God.
- Well, you dont have to take my word for it, but I think EMFs "Unbelievable" lives up to its name.
- How could you ask me that? Too soon. Far too soon.
- 1/2 cup of nutmeg sprinkled lighted over the top just after it comes out of the oven. Let it sit for about five minutes for the flavor to sink in.
- Try the switch over the kitchen sink. Jiggle it a couple times.
- The autopsies were inconclusive.
- Id appreciate it if you wouldnt.
- It kind of looks like a jar of mayonnaise tipped over and instead of mayonnaise it had tongues in it.
- Chapter Six, page sixty-seven, lines thirteen and fourteen.
- Professor Plum, in the Carriage House, with the candlestick.
- Because it works better that way. Thats the way I was taught, anyway.
- On the Fourth of July, when I was six, I caught them in aunt Marys garden. They had soil and red all over their T-shirts, cuz they had smashed a bunch of her tomatoes. It was so steamy hot and humid out, my glasses were a little fogged over and I had the clean the inside part out with my index finger to see. I ended up spilling my Cherry 7-Up all over them, by accident. I had to clean it up anyway.
- Its a lot nicer out, so I thought Id walk.
(Blackout.)
"F.A.Q./F.Q.A."
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED,
TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS
PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"F.A.Q./F.Q.A."
debuted March 29, 2002.
The answers were given by James Erwin. The 20 questions were picked randomly by random people from a random envelope.
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