copyright © 2002 Mark J. Hansen

Tooth Against Brushism

By Mark J. Hansen

(A dentist’s office. Dr. Plant is working on a patient, Kim.)

Dr.: Open. (He pokes around her mouth in a dentist sort of way.) Say ah. (Looks further.) Spit. (She does.) I had that dream again.

Kim: Let me guess. You’re performing a root canal and you’ve forgotten your dentures.

Dr.: Open. No. The one where we make love. Orally. And in the heat of passion, you say the most obscure thing and I sit there, stunned. And we hold the pause like a bear hug. And it’s beautiful. And then I realize your mouth is full of gauze. And there’s some loud, dissonant rock music blaring. And even though I couldn’t understand you if I wanted to with all the gauze, you speak and I try to listen through the blaring music. And I’m scared. Because the look on your face says too much.

(Pause.)

Kim: I need to stop coming here.

Dr.: Shut up and spit.

Kim: I can’t do both.

Dr.: Sequentially, not simultaneously.

Kim: I can’t shut up, then spit. My teeth would be swimming in saliva.

Dr.: Fine, then. Do whatever you like. Leave if you want.

Kim: Finish what you start. I don’t feel comfortable with your half-assed analysis of my mouth.

Dr.: All right. Open. Wider. Wider. I can see my house from here.

Kim: The hell you going on about now?

Dr.: My house. Is in your heart. I took up lodging there, you’re just too afraid to admit it.

Kim: Please. You’re my dentist. I don’t want a relationship with anyone who sticks their fingers in my mouth. I can’t stand it.

Dr.: Fine. I’ll operate by foot.

Kim: I don’t think so.

Dr.: I can and will. It’s one of the few perks of being a dentist with a travelling circus.

Kim: Touch me. My face.

Dr.: It’s all exterior. I want that tough interior. Inside you’re all rough and ridgy.

Kim: Those are my teeth, for fuck’s sake.

Dr.: Well, I love your teeth. I want them. For my own. I’m taking them all out.

Kim: What?

Dr.: I’m just mad enough to do it! And then I’ll be your barber and cut off all your hair! And then I’ll be your, I don’t know, stomachologist!

Kim: What’s come over you? You used to be so sweet.

Dr.: Oh, but sweetness hurts the teeth sometimes. Marry me.

Kim: Again?

Dr.: It’ll be just like old times. You can grin and bear me. And all my burdens.

Kim: What’s in it for me?

Dr.: You’ll get to wear that dress again. Come on, please? I’ll be your best friend.

Kim: I don’t think so. I’m all out of feigned smiles. Just replace my fillings and stop removing them.

Dr.: I don’t think I can.

Kim: Then, are we done here?

(Pause, dissonant rock music blares. Stay on this a moment, then blackout.)

"Tooth Against Brushism" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Tooth Against Brushism" debuted February 8, 2002, with the following cast:
Doctor: James Erwin
Kim: Toni Wilson


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