Tooth Against Brushism
By Mark J. Hansen
(A dentists office. Dr. Plant is working on a patient, Kim.)
Dr.: Open. (He pokes around her mouth in a dentist sort of way.) Say ah. (Looks further.) Spit. (She does.) I had that dream again.
Kim: Let me guess. Youre performing a root canal and youve forgotten your dentures.
Dr.: Open. No. The one where we make love. Orally. And in the heat of passion, you say the most obscure thing and I sit there, stunned. And we hold the pause like a bear hug. And its beautiful. And then I realize your mouth is full of gauze. And theres some loud, dissonant rock music blaring. And even though I couldnt understand you if I wanted to with all the gauze, you speak and I try to listen through the blaring music. And Im scared. Because the look on your face says too much.
(Pause.)
Kim: I need to stop coming here.
Dr.: Shut up and spit.
Kim: I cant do both.
Dr.: Sequentially, not simultaneously.
Kim: I cant shut up, then spit. My teeth would be swimming in saliva.
Dr.: Fine, then. Do whatever you like. Leave if you want.
Kim: Finish what you start. I dont feel comfortable with your half-assed analysis of my mouth.
Dr.: All right. Open. Wider. Wider. I can see my house from here.
Kim: The hell you going on about now?
Dr.: My house. Is in your heart. I took up lodging there, youre just too afraid to admit it.
Kim: Please. Youre my dentist. I dont want a relationship with anyone who sticks their fingers in my mouth. I cant stand it.
Dr.: Fine. Ill operate by foot.
Kim: I dont think so.
Dr.: I can and will. Its one of the few perks of being a dentist with a travelling circus.
Kim: Touch me. My face.
Dr.: Its all exterior. I want that tough interior. Inside youre all rough and ridgy.
Kim: Those are my teeth, for fucks sake.
Dr.: Well, I love your teeth. I want them. For my own. Im taking them all out.
Kim: What?
Dr.: Im just mad enough to do it! And then Ill be your barber and cut off all your hair! And then Ill be your, I dont know, stomachologist!
Kim: Whats come over you? You used to be so sweet.
Dr.: Oh, but sweetness hurts the teeth sometimes. Marry me.
Kim: Again?
Dr.: Itll be just like old times. You can grin and bear me. And all my burdens.
Kim: Whats in it for me?
Dr.: Youll get to wear that dress again. Come on, please? Ill be your best friend.
Kim: I dont think so. Im all out of feigned smiles. Just replace my fillings and stop removing them.
Dr.: I dont think I can.
Kim: Then, are we done here?
(Pause, dissonant rock music blares. Stay on this a moment, then blackout.)
"Tooth Against Brushism" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Tooth Against Brushism" debuted February 8, 2002, with the following cast:
Doctor: James Erwin
Kim: Toni Wilson