Sweeney Todd Bass: The Willie Barbour of Chew Street

By Mark J. Hansen

(The General stands onstage with his pipe. He is a genius.)

I am a genius. You know how I know? Because I can intuit myself like no one… (checks script.) can. You see, I am a General, or used to be, and I came up with the perfect plan for world domination. Few people realize, but we as a nation are in a constant state… (checks script) of war. Why, just the other day, I said to a colleague, "Chum, we are in a constant state of war." I think that proves my point. Being a resourceful… (checks script.) Having a resourceful mind, I’m constantly thinking, meditating on how we can be one step of the enemy, who always seems to be one… (checks script.) step above of us. How can we outmaneuver the tricky bastards? (Laughs.) No need to answer yourselves, that’s what I’m here for. I have the perfect plan. Do those clowns at the head office agree? (Checks script.) No! And do you know why? Because my plan is so simple, so spectacles, spectacular, that they wish they had thought of it. It’s always been there, right above our nose, below our… somewhere in the nostril sector. (Checks script.) How does the enemy attack? By land? No! By see? No! In the air? No! (Checks script.) Yes! That’s exactly how they do it! Flight! It’s been their secret for centuries, hundreds of hundreds. Of centuries. And here we are, without a solution. No. We have a solution. We can indeed combat flight. And I am the one who knows how (Checks script.) to. Here’s what I say to Newton: pbpbpbpbpb! What? Oh! (Does a raspberry.) That’s what I say to Newton! The Wright brothers? Wrong! But how? You ask. How… (Checks script.) how… how do you combat flight? The answer came to me while sketching. Simply remove the ground! Let me illustrate what I mean. (Removes a tiny piece of paper.) You see here where I have an object? Hm. Rather small. I have a bigger one. (Produces a bigger one.) Notice how it’s just an object on the page. All right. Witness this (Another paper.)! See how it’s flying? Now, watch the process in reverse? (He does this.) Voila! So you see, an object cannot logically fly unless there’s something below it to be flying above. And so, we eliminate the ground! The enemy can no longer fly! And then where are they? (Checks script.) Nowhere. Right where they started! Right now you’re thinking one of two things: I’m so jealous of him, or I’m in love with him. Both points are valid. But let me strap… estrap… extrapolate further. The president doesn’t like my idea. Nor does the Secretary of War, or the Treasure Guy, or the one with the beard, he’s hated me all along. They don’t understand, we’re living in an age! (Checks script.) Of reason! And as such we must conduct ourselves accordingly as men of reason! And as such we must conduct ourselves accordingly as men of reason! And as such… (Stops. Looks at script, mumbles the words to himself, saying coherently the words in bold, then) They don’t understand we’re living in an age of reason! And as such we must conduct ourselves accordingly as men of dignity! It’s ontological to be afraid of fright, so don’t be! I… It’s only logical to be afraid of flight, so don’t be put off by the idea of its demise. This is what I told them, the chefs of hate, the chiefs of state I mean. (Checks script.) To say. Some called me mad, and others called me… mad. This is so I won’t be able to distinguish between the two. But there is a subtle difference. Tones of voice. Phones of choice. W.E.B. Dubois. (Looks.) I meant to cut that. Anyhow, the question has frequently been posed to me of how do you remove the ground? Well… (Turns the page. There is no other page. He goes back, looks behind, searches for the missing page, stops. Looks at the audience. Thinks about what to say. When the flash of an idea lights up his eyebrows, immediate blackout.)

"Sweeney Todd Bass: The Willie Barbour of Chew Street" debuted October 13, 2000, performed by Mark Hansen.

Performed at Special Wednesday "Taste of No Shame" in Currier Hall on April 17, 2002.

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