(GOD lies on the floor, SALESMAN stands off to the side.)
(Lights up)
(God holds up a piece of paper with "GOD" written on it and an arrow indicating him.
Salesman holds up "SALESMAN" paper, also with appropriate arrow.
God displays "GOD'S WORKSHOP" with many arrows.
Salesman displays "DOOR" with no arrows, then turns it perpendicular to the audience and holds
it.)
GOD: (coloring on floor) Oh, why don't any of the five-legged ones work!
Ooh, periwinkle. . .
(Salesman "knocks" on "door". God sits at table.)
GOD: Come in.
SALESMAN: (enters, speaking quickly) Sir, might I say that you strike me as a creative
and benevolent being.
GOD: (flat) Do I?
SALESMAN: Yes, you do sir, and I'm here to offer you for a mere pittance an upgrade to the
kind of product that your creativity and benevolence can create and benefit. I'm here as a
representative of Omnipotent Enterprises to offer you... Oooooooh glitter dust!
GOD: Don't touch that! It's super important. What are you selling anyway?
SALESMAN: Free will.
GOD: Free will.
SALESMAN: Yes sir, the ultimate feature of any new creation. Free will.
GOD: You're trying to sell me free will?
SALESMAN: Yes sir.
GOD: I invented free will.
SALESMAN: And as is your right, kind sir, you can be listed on the package as the original
inventor of free will. I'd have to check with the boys in legal about that... but I am sure there
would be no problem. But you see, this is not the same free will that you created oh so many
years ago, long before the existence of modern patent and copyright law. No! This is the new
improved version 2.0!
GOD: Free will version 2.0? I'd probably have to get a memory upgrade to run it.
SALESMAN: Normally you would, but if you act now I will throw in the conversion kit for
only... ONE DOLLAR!
GOD: Sounds too good to be true.
SALESMAN: But wait there's more! New Free Will 2.0 is part of a package that includes the
latest upgrades for Suffering and Self-delusion, and our all new Temptation Deluxe Pro.... It also
comes with a free month of America Online. And that is not to mention our free gift to you for
just trying Free Will.
GOD: Free gift?
SALESMAN: That's right, a gift that you get to keep no matter if you choose to stay with Free
Will or not. Here, have a look.
(Salesman produces a large envelope with "FREE GIFT" emblazoned on the side. God takes
the envelope and opens it up. He merely takes a peak inside before closing the envelope
again)
GOD: My word.
SALESMAN: Not bad, eh?
GOD: Alright, I'm sold. How much?
SALESMAN: That is the beauty part of it, sir, it is only three easy payments of six dollars.
GOD: Do you take credit cards?
SALESMAN: Yes we do, but you'd better have a Visa card. (smiles and turns to the
audience.) Omnipotent Enterprises can give you the power to create and destroy souls, but
they do not take American Express.
GOD: Visa, it's everywhere God wants to be.
"SIMPLER EXPOSITIONS THROUGH FLASHCARDS"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED,
TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS
PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Simpler Expositions Through Flashcards" debuted November 12, 1999.
Library]
