(Lights Up)
(stroll across stage, then sit with a notebook to write)
Stranded in an island paradise, Day One.
I'm sure that I'll be rescued soon. I almost wish I wouldn't be,
it's so beautiful here- the sun, the sand, the waves.
I found fresh water this morning, but it tastes a little
weird.
My eyes are killing me. I've had my contacts in for the last
seventy-two hours. I think I'm going to have to take them out and live with being vision impaired
for a while.
I'm sure that I was the only survivor. They're all dead- the
first mate, the skipper too, the millionaire, and his wife, the movie star, the professor and
Mary-Ann. I'm glad they're all dead. They would have to be the seven most annoying people on
Earth to be stranded with, and I hope they burn in Hell forever.
Except for Mary-Ann. I wish she was still alive. There's
nothing here I can screw.
(Lights Down)
(Lights Up)
(walk across stage, squinting, then sit with notebook)
Day Six.
I can't see a goddamn thing. That's OK, because I won't be
here long. Someone will be here to rescue me soon.
The water I found is even worse than Iowa City tap water.
The only thing it compares to is Dansani bottled water.
The idea of bottled water is not complicated: find water with
no flavor, put it in bottles, and sell it in places where the water does have a flavor. I can't believe
they messed it up. It's as if the Coca-Cola company created it as a way of encouraging people to
drink more Coke.
And that's what the water here tastes like.
I never though I'd say this, but masturbation has become
boring. I would stop, but there's nothing else to do here, and for some reason I can't stop being
aroused.
This morning I found myself excited by a coconut. I tried to
have sex with it, but a monkey stole it from me before I could finish.
I tried to have sex with the monkey, but I didn't know
how.
(Lights Down)
(Lights Up)
(cross stage, dragging feet, sit with notebook)
Day Thirteen.
I can't find any more coconuts.
(sit, hunched over)
(Lights fade, very slowly)
(Lights Up)
(lying in the middle of the stage, as if asleep, then wake and hold arm as if to shade eyes, get
up very slowly, stand facing the back wall and raise a middle finger)
Fuck You, Monkey!
(Lights Down)
"The Joseph A. Burton Saga"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED,
TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS
PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Joseph A. Burton Saga" debuted December 3, 1999, performed by Adam Hahn.
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