"I Will Date You on the Internet: 5 Scenes from Week 2" by Adam Hahn

I Will Date You on the Internet: 5 Scenes from Week 2
by Adam Hahn

(ALPHA is standing. BETA and GAMMA sit at a table in front of Bingo cards. ALPHA will change positions each time the lights go out.)

Lights Up

ALPHA
It's a series of brief scenes.

BETA
Three actors are on stage the whole time?

ALPHA
Yes, but the audience is never sure if they are same characters from one scene to the next, or if the scenes are in any particular order.

GAMMA
How does the audience know when one scene ends and another begins?

Quick Lights Down/Lights Up

BETA
What are you most afraid of?

ALPHA
Rabid dogs.

BETA
Those are pretty scary. You know what's even more scary?

ALPHA
What?

BETA
A rabid dog with a gun.

ALPHA
That is one thousand times more scary.

BETA
I know.

ALPHA
Because then he wouldn't even have to get close to you.

BETA
Exactly.

GAMMA
Wait! What about a rabid dog with a flamethrower?

ALPHA
I can't remember ever hearing something so stupid.

BETA
How would any animal, let alone a canine in the advanced stages of a brain-wasting disease, work a flamethrower?

Quick Lights Down/Lights Up

ALPHA
I need your help deciding whom I should contact and what I should say. You're holding printouts of the online profiles of women the website matched me with.

GAMMA
Only four?

ALPHA
The website gave me a top ten list. But then a couple didn't include photos, which I take to mean they're not seriously trying to meet anyone.

BETA
Or they could be hideously ugly.

ALPHA
Right.

GAMMA
If you weeded out a couple that way, why did you only print four?

ALPHA
These four seemed the most promising

BETA
Are these all the women from your top ten list who are not overweight?

ALPHA
Jesus, keep your voice down!

GAMMA
It must be. Look at how skinny this girl is.

BETA
What, are you afraid one of the fat girls on your list is will overhear us and not want to date you?

ALPHA
No, but I feel really bad about considering weight at all. And other women might hear us.

BETA
Other fat women who won't date you?

ALPHA
No! Jesus, shut up!

GAMMA
Don't worry. There aren't any skinny women here who would sleep with you to begin with.

ALPHA
Every woman I've ever known has been sensitive about her weight, and I don't think it helps when guys talk loudly in public places about not finding heavy women attractive.

BETA
It does help. If we keep talking, some guy and his girlfriend are going to overhear us, and that guy will lie and say that he doesn't feel the same way. And that guy is going to have sex tonight.

ALPHA
What if some woman within earshot is right now deciding whether or not to have an eating disorder?

BETA
For every eating disorder we inspire, there's one more woman thin enough you can date her.

ALPHA
I don't know if you're joking or not.

GAMMA
E-mail this girl. She's thin, and she has big boobs.

Quick Lights Down/Lights Up

GAMMA
Do you have Bingo?

BETA
Nope. You?

GAMMA
Not yet.

ALPHA
I don't think this game works if you don't have anyone calling out numbers.

(pause)

GAMMA
What?

Quick Lights Down/Lights Up